Finding Hope

18

"I'm going to go and join them for a moment." I speak up and everyone at the table looks shocked that I'm going to interfere in the generational alpha bonding moment.

Too bad.

"Hudson, dessert is in the kitchen, would you mind?" I ask and he immediately stands up and joins me.

"I'm going to go and talk to them. If it's about my daughter I deserve to be in the know." I look out onto the porch where they're talking as Milo clings onto her fathers leg.

"Did your brother ever tell you about alpha stuff?" He asks and I laugh.

"Do you mean the whole planning thing? The future alpha plans?" I ask and he shakes his head.

"I mean the part where alphas tend to have strong opinions and they usually aren't in line with previous alphas plans. Sebastians father may be a great guy, but he doesn't have a clue what his son is planning. None of us know what he's doing with this pack and I'll stand behind him every step of the way but nobody knows."

"Is this where you tell me I shouldn't interfere in that conversation?" I ask and he nods.

"We both know that's an alpha conversation and I can't let you."

"Did you know he proposed?" I ask while sticking out my hand and Hudson's face lights up.

"No I didn't."

"You'd think that being engaged to someone or being the Luna would make me worthy of that conversation. You'd think that the future of Milos life would be my business but somehow it isn't." I twirl the ring around my finger and the smile that was on his face disappears.

"You'd think that being her mom would make me worthy of that information. Did you know he didn't even tell me the goddess gave him answers? He came home with you guys and didn't say a word to me about it. I heard what happened from Ashley."

"And did you know that he still hasn't buried the witch?" I scoff. "That I'm so close to just digging her a grave and doing it myself? Hudson I'm going through a lot and the only thing I had control over is that little girls life and he's taking that away. He won't tell me anything and I don't think I've felt so much pain in my life." I admit through tears and that's when I notice Bastian staring through the glass doors at me and his gamma. He quickly looks away and back at his father, but I notice it. I notice it and it hurts more that he can stare at me and still not notice how much pain I'm in.

"I didn't want this dinner Hudson and I'm not really capable of being a good host and Luna right now. I need you to put dessert out for me while I go sit in my office for a few minutes." I point to the cake that's on the kitchen island and he nods.

"I'll make sure they keep from looking for you." He quietly adds as he passes me on the way back to the dining room. After he's left the kitchen I make my way down the hall and to my office.

It's no longer like months ago where I locked myself in here for hours sending letters to the pack and it's not like last year when I worked and sold art. It's not the same anymore. I'm a different person and it's incredible that I've become who I am, but I can't say I'm all too happy with the current status of things.

I should've been at that meeting with the goddess and he should've invited me. He knows how much Milos safety is of concern to me and that conversation is one I should've been present for. He was wrong in keeping that from me, but that's the least of my worries.

I still want Iliana buried. I want her to be given a proper witch burial and it's because I feel bad. I somehow feel bad for the woman who wanted me dead and that's mildly pathetic but I can't change it.

I've turned pathetic.

The girl I was when I got here was not pathetic. She was a firecracker who knew what she wanted and got what she wanted. The Jenifer now is the depressed mom who can barely put on a dinner party without crying.
I've become the worst version of myself and it's no wonder Bash and I aren't the couple we used to be.

I've turned from protector to deadbeat parent in the span of two weeks. Since Iliana told me about her miscarriage, and the fact that she was set to have my mates child, I've been a disaster. It's reminded me of how badly I need to tell people about my own loss and how I refuse to.

Either way, I want the witch to be buried and given the departure she deserves, but nobody seems to be grasping that concept. I've said it countless times, but Bash brushes it off and even Tommy thinks it's extreme.

It's either she gets the burial or I'm gonna lose my mind and leave the one man I'm meant to spend the rest of my life with. That's not because I don't love him, but because I'm broken.

A broken person who doesn't know how to be normal again and wants to run away from every problem.

Well it's not running away if I come back.