Finding Hope

32

Sebastians P.O.V

I was expecting some backlash for withholding information from Jen. I was expecting the normal silent treatment because frankly I deserve it.

"Silent treatment?" I ask as I open the passenger door to greet her. She slowly nods back to me and that's when I see it all. I see pain in her eyes and all I can do is give her a comforting look in return but the only thing that does is send her off the deep end. I see the emotions come out and the next thing I know she's hysterically crying. I immediately pull her into my chest and I keep her securely in my grasp.

"I'm so sorry Jen. I'm sorry that you felt overwhelmed being there. I know it was a lot to handle for one person and I should of helped prepare you more. That is all my fault and you get to hate me for it as long as you want but please don't shut me out."

"She hasn't said a word since the last meeting ended this morning." Logan mindlinks me and I look up to meet his eyes.

"How bad was this meeting?"

"It went well and she handled herself better than most of the men handled themselves. I don't know how she did it, but she did."

"Then why is she breaking down like this? Why is she silent?" I push him to answer and I can tell his wolf is getting uneasy at my questioning. I know my beta as well as I know my own wolf and he's worried.

"I pushed her limits to get her to go out and talk to the Alphas and I think it was too much."  He admits with shame.

"What limits did you push?" I ask back in confusion and he shuts off the car engine. I don't often push him or go full Alpha because he's my best friend but whatever was said to Jen clearly got her to this point. "Logan answer me." I demand.

"She wasn't going to step foot into that meeting. She was doubting herself so much to a point that I thought you'd have to come run it yourself. I sat her down and I reminded her of why she needs to run this forum."

"That's not what I'm asking. What did you say to her?"

"I told her that she needed to suck it up because she has to run it. She has to run it to protect Milo because if anybody knows you two have a daughter she won't live to be the first female alpha of this pack."

"So you scared her into going up there and giving the speech?" I clarify and he just gives me a sorrowful look before running off and away from the house.

"Logan!" I call out after him, but the sounds of Jens cries are more of a worry to me than the guilt coursing through his viens. "Jen, it's okay, you did so well."

Right now I can't focus on his guilt because frankly his guilt will never compare to the guilt I'm feeling right now. I'm the one who decided to send her to represent our pack when realistically I should've done it myself.

I'm the reason the original council is dead. I'm the one who made that choice and yet I threw her into it and chose her to run it. I chose a woman who is capable of holding the position but also a woman who can't handle it with everything else going on, in the position. Since she's arrived at my pack I've thrown her quite literally to the wolves. I put her in harms way more than once and this isn't one of the instances, but I did put her in a situation that clearly made her feel uncomfortable.

That day in the woods, when I told her my plan for her to lead this forum, she looked shocked and hesitant. That should've been the first sign and I should've backed off right then and there. If she didn't want it or feel comfortable I shouldn't have kept pushing for it.

I just wanted her to feel like she could do it because she can, but that isn't my place to tell her she can and then force her to. She has to learn to realize her capabilities, and this time I messed up. I'll own up to this being my fault.

"Jen you don't have to do that again." I whisper while holding her head to my chest and pushing her hair back. "I am so sorry."

"Why don't we go inside?"

"No." She speaks up while finally moving and wrapping her arms around my waist. "Just stand here for a few more minutes with me."

"I will stand here for as long as you want. I'm so sorry."

"I'm not crying cause of yesterday or this morning so please just hold me and stop apologizing." She pulls back to look up at me and stares into my eyes. "I just want you. I don't need you to keep saying you're sorry."

"I feel awful Jen and I'm gonna keep apologizing until I know you're okay."

"Well then I'm fine." She forces a smile and I don't join in because I'm not happy with everything going on in this moment. I'm happy she's in my arms but I'm not happy that she's forcing down the emotions she was just purging moments ago.

"Sebastian, you're my favorite person on this planet. You will forever have my heart in your hands and I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm not crying because I'm sad or because I'm mad at you."

"Can we talk about this inside then? You look cold." I make up another excuse to get her to come inside instead of having us stood by the car. "We can talk inside away from anyone who could hear us."

"There isn't anyone here Bash."

"Well then I guess we'll talk over here." I shut the car door behind her and I lead her up to the porch swing.

"I love you." She speaks up as I take a seat and she follows suit before laying her head down in my lap. "Like I really fucking love you and I don't know how else to say it other than to keep repeating it. There's not much that makes sense to me in this world and I've complained for a majority of our time together because of my lack of understanding. The only thing that has ever truly made sense to me was that first day. The day I met you."

"When I met you everything fell into place and the pit in my stomach disappeared. I felt whole and so many times since then I've felt uneasy and unwell but that pit in my stomach hasn't returned. That emptiness is something I will never feel again because I have you. Sebastian you make me feel whole and I couldn't imagine a life without you by my side." She says through tears and I'm overwhelmed by the words coming from her mouth.

I love Jenifer Harris more than I've loved anything in my life and that won't change. We both love each other unconditionally, but there's something about hearing someone say those words to you. It's one thing to know it but it's another to be reassured about it.

"I'm crying because going away made me think and when I think I run. I run away from things that make me think because I never stick around long enough to figure out if it's safe to stay or right to stay. I've never stayed, I've only ever run."

"I didn't run away this time Sebastian." She whispers before sitting up and grabbing my hands.

"Cause you didn't have to baby. You never had to." I smile and she laughs through the tears.

"Sebastian I stayed for you. I stayed at that meeting for you and it finally made sense. My life makes sense now." She lifts up a hand to wipe some of the tears and I feel my own starting to form. I don't think I've cried since Milo was born because frankly I don't allow myself to but this is one of those moments where I need to let my emotions take over.

"This whole time I've been living for just me. It's normal to live for yourself and it felt like the right thing to do when I was younger but the moment I met you it didn't. It didn't feel right living my dreams out and behaving for me because now I live for you too. You became my heart and living for just myself is like leaving pieces of me behind."

"For the first time I lived for us and for our daughter and for the first time I don't regret what I've done. I don't regret anything because I will never regret something done for your sake or her sake. I found what I was looking for at that meeting and it was me along." She continues to laugh and I can't help but join in because this crying isn't sad. This is the crying that heals and the crying that shows joys.

"Sebastian, I am nothing but hopeful for what the future has in store for our family."