Finding Hope

21

After my brief runaway adventure things really picked up. I felt like that weight on my chest had been lifted but it was sadly replaced by the new found fear.

Milo has learned how to walk.

My little demon alpha has learned to stand up on her legs and move around the house and it's become the biggest stresser in my life. It's made the job of being a parent much more chaotic but at the same time it gives me a sense of joy that I've needed. It's given me something to be a mom about and not a scared mom, but a happy mom. The mom who gets to sit back and be proud of her daughters accomplishments.

I always wanted to be the fun mom who cheered on her kids and I feel like I've been nothing but a buzzkill. I've been on edge since we left for Bash to kill the council and I don't know when exactly I'll be back to normal. I thought maybe it would stop after Logan got his wolf back but he's set to be getting it back any day now and even that doesn't get me out of this funk.

I want to be the fun mom and I don't know how I'm gonna get to that point. For now I'm just going to stop beating down on myself. I'm gonna start focusing on Milo and the good in her life because she's perfect and she deserves to have a good mother.

I just don't know how to be one.

But at least I have my family. I have this family and I'm going to make this all work out. We're all going to make this work out.

"Jen, do you think I could have a minute?" I hear Bash's voice speak up as he walks into the kitchen.

I've been trying to cook dinner, but it never goes all too well. I'm awful at cooking in a precise or orderly manner but after being with Bash for almost three years I've picked up on some basics.

"I can find a minute if you want me to." I nod while placing down the knife I've been cutting with.

"Yeah come with me." He nods his head outside and I look past him to see if Milo is with him.

"Where's Milo?" I question as I take off my apron. "Wasn't she with you?"

"She's with Logan in the living room. I just left them to come talk to you." He wraps an arm around my shoulders as he leads me outside and into the backyard.

"So we're gonna go for this walk and we are going to keep walking for as long as we have to." He admits while moving his arm down my back and finally settling on holding my hand.

We haven't gone for a walk together since my first week here. It's not because we don't try to get alone time, it's just difficult now. We live with six other people and sometimes seven if Michelle is over to see Garrett plus there's always the added stress of Bash trying to fix the future council. There's never time to just walk away and relax cause even when we do have the time to ourselves it seldom free of arguments.

"Can you tell me why?"

"Because you're doing that thing where you cook and clean and act like a happy Luna, but I know you're not. I know my Jenifer and the girl I love isn't the type to be quiet about her opinions unless she's suffering. You're only quiet when you're suffering because you're a silent sufferer who hates burdening others."

Ouch.

No need to be that accurate.

"So I'm taking you for this walk so you can clear your head and say whatever you want to me. I won't interrupt or give my opinion unless you ask for it. I'm simply here to listen to you because you need to let it out."

"I hate being a mom sometimes." I almost immediately let the words fly from my mouth and it's too late cause I already said it.

I'm twenty two.