Just For Tonight

Lipgloss.

"There's your coffee cup. The lipstick stain fades with time. If I could dream long enough, you'd tell me I'll be just fine."

Christian~

At about 6 pm, we were allowed to go in and see Ashtyn. No news, we were told, is good news, given her first night here. She'd remained stable throughout the day with no major complications coming up. Alex, Natalia, and their mom Charolette, all went in ahead of me. They know where they truly stand with Ashtyn. As far as I can tell, I'm the only one who doesn't. Before I'd left, I would've thought everything between us was going well. She'd broken up with me though yesterday afternoon. Now, none of us know if that was her or her vice that's brought us here today.

Waiting against the wall outside her room, every possible scenario flies through my head. As of right now, she's still unconscious, and there's no real telling on if or when she's going to wake up. What happens if she doesn't wake up? What am I supposed to do then? First Kacelyn, now Ashtyn too? This can't be my life now. Letting myself sit on the ground, I hold my head in my hands. What am I supposed to do without her? I already took it out on a spring training umpire. How am I supposed to just continue on after this? 

Shaking my head, I let it tip back against the wall as I stare at the ceiling. If this is what I'm going through, I can't even imagine what Nat and Alex are thinking. Let alone their mom, Jesus. She practically helped raise Ashtyn, from what I've heard. She saw the aftermath of her dad leaving. She saw what happened to Ashtyn's mom and was there throughout that. She's seen it all and now has to see Ashtyn like this. Sighing, I run my hand through my hair, continuing to look out into the space in front of me.

I'm not sure how much time goes by before Alex, Nat, and their mom come out again. Alex puts his hand on my shoulder and nods into the room for me. Am I really ready for this?  Nodding back, I push off the ground giving him a small smile before heading in. 

The beeping of the monitors reminiscent of when we lost Kacey. How peaceful Ashtyn looks, bringing back the sight of her before she woke up, and I had to tell her Kacey was gone. My heart all but pounds in my ears, the lump in my throat growing as I approach Ashtyns bedside. How are we here?

Pulling up a chair that was against the wall. I sit next to her and just look at how fragile she seems. After meeting her, I'd have never imagined her seeming this small. Never that I'd think she was fragile and not able to hold her own over anything. Her shredding that check all those months ago now while flipping me off, seeing her like this would've never crossed my mind. How she stood up for herself after overhearing what my mom was saying after I didn't have the balls to own up to everything I'd done. How she handled her mom's passing and dealing with the aftermath of that. She had always been so unapologetically herself and stood her ground as if nothing could ever touch her. Now she's here, having to fight for her life. 

Where do I even begin now? How much of her breaking things off with me was real, if any of it? Can she even hear that I'm here? All of my questions roam through my head as I just look at her almost lifeless figure laid out on the bed, all sorts of machines connected to her trying to make sure she survives this. 

Sighing, I run my hand through my hair and shake my head, looking at my hands. Fuck. "I don't know if you even want me here right now," I say, letting my words just take over. "I'm here, though, and I'm going to be here until I know that you're okay. When you wake up, if you don't want me here, I'll go, but I can't go before I know you're going to be okay. When you broke things off with me, that hurt more than I'm willing to admit. I don't know if you saw or not, but I struck out in my first at-bat. Totally my own fault, but I took that out on the umpire because of how upset I'd been. Seeing you here, though, again, that's killing me because I didn't see the signs. I'm so sorry I didn't, Ashtyn. I was with you every day, and I didn't think anything more was up beyond what you'd told me. So I'm sorry. I don't really know where we stand right now, truthfully, but I do love you, Ash. Regardless of how you feel about me, I'll be here in whatever way you need me. You just say the words." 

Looking at Ashtyn's face, the oxygen tube in her nose, her eyes closed, her lashes resting delicately on her cheeks. Seeing everything she's attached to my head falls as I shake my head. This shouldn't be happening right now. This should've never happened. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I let out a breath, trying to hold back my own tears again.

"I don't know," I tell Counsell shaking my head. "There's next to no progress yet for Ashtyn. I don't know how long I'm going to need. That's saying that she comes out of this fine."

"What do you want to do?" Craig asks me. "If we put you on the sixty-day IL, you're not allowed to return until the sixty-first day of the regular season. It doesn't matter how long you're out in Spring. The family medical emergency list has a maximum of seven days, which you've already said isn't going to be long enough. You also said that about the fifteen-day IL, not that you'd have gotten approved for that. You don't have any injuries that would keep you from playing. The last option would be putting you on the Restricted list. You'd be forfeiting your salary for the time you're out."

"Then let's do it, is there a minimum time I have to be on it?" I ask, looking around the kitchen of Ashtyn and my home. 

"No, it's just not the greatest look. A lot of the guys who are put on the restricted list are people under investigation for substance abuse or legal issues. People are probably going to talk, especially if and when the story breaks on Ashtyn."

"Whatever, I'll cross that bridge when it gets here. Hold a press conference for all I care. I just know that I can't leave right now. Not until I at least know she's going to be okay." 

Craig is silent a few moments before finally answering back, "Okay. I'll see what I can get arranged."

"Thank you," I tell him sincerely, knowing how it's going to look that I'm taking this time off. All I know is there's no way that I'm just going to be able to play baseball right now. 

Couns and I say our goodbyes before he hangs up, and I shove my phone in my pocket. Making my way around the kitchen, I notice the empty glasses and mugs in the sink. She always did have an issue loading the dishwasher before work. Especially when she had tea or brought her glass of water from upstairs. Shaking my head a little, I start grabbing them and setting them in the top rack of our dishwasher. 

There are a few that have a noticeable print of her lipgloss on them. I can't help but chuckle at the sight. She'd always laugh and make a little show of her wiping it off after we'd shared a drink. After the fact, she'd usually comment on how she doesn't know why I'd care, that I get enough of it whenever we kissed that it doesn't even matter. I'd laugh and comment how she had a point. Taking a breath, I shake my head as I continue to load the dishwasher. 

Looking at the clock, I see it's about eight forty. Ever since Ashtyn improved from being touch and go, we've had to start following the visiting hours of the hospital. Twenty minutes before we can head back now. Wiping my hands on a kitchen towel, I head upstairs to change before heading back. 

Ashtyn's part of the closet has been thinned out pretty good. I can only assume it's from her leaving and grabbing just what she'd need for a little while. Trying not to let that affect me, I grab a new hoodie and pair of sweats, knowing I've got no plans to leave once I'm there until I have to. 

My text tone rings out, and I grab my phone quickly, not knowing what to expect anymore.

"Alex: Get here ASAP."