Cryptic Words and Hidden Letters

008

:: January 28, 2020
:: Survival paradise

Vision,

Still a girl, not yet a woman—born with responsibilities and dreams to fulfill. Being at track of a better vision will never be an easy trail to take, as it requires values and beliefs to hold into. A triumph is not a one-step away, it's like a round staircase going in circles over and over again, becoming dizzy by all the dusts on each mark. But I'm even more worried by the possibility of messing my life and just go, like what they used to see in me. I couldn't blame them for saying that because that's what all the weaknesses are coming from—I was a fruit of a mistake after all.

Spending the days trying to fit into the standards of life, I once assumed for the spotlight even just for a while; not for the sake of fame but rather than of the attention that I could get. Not the attention that sees the wrong, but the kind of attention that will constructively criticize the flaws. Focusing on being perfect became one of the poisons that I intoxicated, a complete disaster that is worth regretting. With a belief to feed their eyes with sophistication and elegance for them to love me, I uphold lies rather than realities.

It was a fault to aim for something I shouldn't have. The ambition of getting more of what I can get, craves for something I can't afford yet, aching for a desire that I am not deserving to have, and never be contented by what I already own—it was the things that wounded me even more. A foolish young girl who would do everything for a temptation without thinking where it could possibly lead her, resulting to being the darkness of her own light.

It was fun, indeed: neglecting the rules, making your own path, make a difference, act as if we own the world. However, the satisfaction will not last. The longer it gets, the more addicting it becomes. On bended knees, begging for the love you risked. With tears flowing from both eyes, aching for the freedom you lost. In a heavy breath, forgetting all the inspirations and motivations you had. In between split seconds, the future you dreamt slowly fades into thin air. With few stabs on my own, it was painful to watch myself die in my hands. I became the victim of the lies I once told.

No one is bound rule, only to follow. For the world to be fair, lies must live. We are all prisoners of deception, of envy and greed. I seek for what I can't do nor uphold. I was asking for peace, when I am the chaos. I told them to follow the rules and laws, when I don't even know how to oblige properly. Slave of fate, and cruelty, and abuse; even the wealthy ones. It is a quick turn of every narratives and perceptions I wrote about life, but I don't stick with just one belief after all. Nonetheless, perfection doesn't exist—we idealize them, and imagine them, but it is nothing and nowhere to be found.

Perhaps at some few points, I made it—evil exists but as long as there is one life breathing, maybe courage will be bound to spread like a wildfire.

:: Maya