Wanna be yours

Iam scared

Seeing those whom we love the most in pain is the worst pain in the world. We can bear our own pains inside our hearts, but not our beloved ones'. It breaks our hearts twice as much as theirs. That’s what Namjoon is going through these days. Every time he sees his little brother crying, it aches him a lot. He was helpless and doesn’t have the strength to watch him go through the worst stage of his life. Every day Jin sits on his bed, not leaving the room, not eating anything, even if forced, and crying most of the time, thinking about the same man again and again.

Namjoon decided to look for Jungkook and what happened exactly by himself at last. He doesn’t want to believe everything that Yoongi said to them. Somewhere in his heart, he hopes Jungkook isn’t married and that the story he heard was fake. He wanted to at least hear it from Jungkook’s mouth: Why did he leave his little brother's heart broken after loving him and promising to be with him always? But when he met Jungkook's family, they were not ready to share any information about Jungkook with them. He tried his best, but all they said was that they were not interested in speaking about Jungkook and to leave the place without causing any unnecessary issues. He tried his best, but that’s all he can do. He can't get to see Jungkook, and he doesn’t know where he is. So he came back disappointed.

*

Jimin's soul almost left his body when he saw a figure sitting in the living room silently when he switched on the light. It was past midnight. And he came there to drink water. After recovering from the shock, he slowly approached the figure and sat near him silently on the sofa. He doesn’t know how to initiate a conversation. So he stayed silent. He slightly flinched when Namjoon’s head slowly leaned on his shoulder. He doesn’t know how to react to the unexpected action.

After he confessed his love to Namjoon, their talking lessened. The only time Namjoon talks to Jimin is when he calls Jin. And Jimin respects Namjoon’s privacy and distances himself. He decided to wait until Namjoon spoke about the matter.  But when one day suddenly Namjoon called him at his number, he got shocked and became nervous. But all Namjoon asked that day was about Jin because Jin was glomy and absent-minded in those days, and he wanted to know the reason for his brother’s upset. It was because of Jungkook’s sudden disappearance. At first, Jimin came up with so many lies, but when Namjoon told him that he knew about Jinkook’s relationship, Jimin had to spill all the truth in front of Namjoon. Jimin lied to Jin that day when Jin suspiciously looked at him. He knows it's wrong, but he is doing all this for his best friend's well-being. He is also suffering, along with the Kim siblings. Not even in his wildest dream, he thought that one day Jungkook would leave Jin again. Because he has been witnessing their love life every single day. It broke his heart to see Jin and Namjoon in this situation.

*

Jin's pov :

It hurts. It hurts so much. It's like hell. No matter how many times they say to let it go, it still haunts me every single day. I wish these were all dreams. I wish these had not happened. I wish he would come back and hold me tightly in his arms and tell me that : nothing has happened, love. I am here.

Why did he leave me and my love? We were slowly building our life together. Why does he have to ruin something so beautiful? Was the love he showed through his eyes, his words, and his touch a lie? Am I being a fool by giving him a chance that day? Did he really think that he could play with my feelings?

But after all these events, my eyes are still searching for him. Whenever I hear the doorbell, I run to open the door desperately, only to be disappointed at the end. Pitty, right. That’s how Jimin and my hyung looked at me. I can't bear this anymore. He had been stabbing my chest again and again, and I am here still apologizing for getting blood in his clothes. I can't make anyone understand what is happening inside me. I can't even explain it to myself.

Iam scared. I am scared of myself. I might do something terribly wrong. I might give up on everything. I am going insane. I wanted to scream. I wanted to laugh historically. But all I can do is lay silently this night beside my hyung, who was also pretending to be asleep just for me.

Hyung is not even daring to leave me alone for a single second. I think he is also scared that I might end up doing something terrible. He is here every time, feeding me, making me fall asleep, taking me on walks, and even wiping away my tears that are continuously flowing every day.

“Why?”

My voice cracked as I began to speak in the silence. I felt his instant movement closer to me to assure if I was speaking in sleep or not. But when I opened my eyes sowly, he understood that I was speaking consciously. His eyes softened when they met mine, and he waited for me to continue.

"Why didn't you get angry with me? …….

Why didn't you scold me or at least yell at me for hiding everything from you? ....

Why, among all those kids, have you adopted this ungrateful kid as your brother?"

“Ae-gi,”

Hyung teared up hearing everything. He took a minute to calm himself down as my eyes searched for his answers. He slowly caressed my head before speaking.

“Loving you was only my duty—not to control your life. And not even a single day did I feel regret for choosing you to be my brother. You will always be my brother, no matter what happens. Everything will pass. The good and bad. Don't give up easily; there is more in life than pain and heartbreak. It will all pass."

I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve such a pure soul as my brother. He didn’t deserve to be in pain because of me. And it hurts me more when I realize that I am not the only one in pain. Because of me, he is also suffering inside.

As my first drop of tears fell, overwhelmed by his words, he quickly wiped them away before they flowed more. And he held me closer to his chest. I took a deep breath before closing my eyes to breathe calmly.

I don’t know what I am going to do after this, but I will let fate decide everything. I am not sure if I can be happy again or not, but what I have learned is that not everyone will keep their promise. People will leave after they promise a thousand times that they won’t. I don’t know whether to wait for him or to forget him, and that’s the worst pain I have been feeling now.