Wabi-Sabi

10

The problem wasn't Isaac.

It was me.

It is me.

I am attached to an ideology that necessitates someone else reminding me of my beauty. I have never been able to appreciate myself alone; I always need someone else to do it for me.

And if someone asked me if they are beautiful.

I would gladly stand up and shout to the world how beautiful they are.

But I could never do it for myself.

Never.

—

"It's beautiful!"

Gusto ko na ba talaga si Isaac? Kasi iyan ang naramdaman ko when he was singing pero noong matapos siya parang naging kaibigan nalang ang turing ko sa kaniya.

"You like it?" his eyes were begging for reassurance.

"Beautiful nga 'diba?" I jokingly rolled my eyes.

I raised a brow when he seemed uncomfortable, not in a bad way since he was containing his giggle. He kept brushing his hands off his slacks, and when we locked eyes, he covered his mouth with the back of his hand and then laughed. I chuckled because he's just too cute.

"I have been meaning to ask you this. I've practiced this speech for a while now,"

I stared at him, my heart beating so fast.

"Can I take you on a dinner date?"

I took a deep breath.

"Just ask someone else. I'm not ready. I have to go,"

Honestly, I would love to because the way he said it was so romantic, something I could never ask for. It was pure and genuine, but I could not afford to love him while still pretending to be someone else's.

I don't want to hurt him, although I already did. But, I don't want to hurt myself because him asking me on a dinner date happened years ago with another boy, and he left me after I told him the truth.

And I feel like I've seen this exact film before.

I watched him, disheartened, as I left the cafeteria.

Natagpuan ko nalang ang sarili sa likuran ng SCU, sa abandonadong comfort room. Maalikabok at medyo nakakatakot pero parang hindi ko ramdam iyon, kahit tandang-tanda ko pa ang scary facts ng abandoned cr na 'to noong minsang nagkaroon ng true horror contest dito sa university.

Mas lalo lang bubuhos ang luha ko sa tuwing naaalala ko yung kanina. Bakit ba kasi ako nag-walkout ng parang tanga? Tinignan ko ang sarili sa salamin.

"Maya?" it's him, standing in front of the door.

"Bakit ka nandito?" I looked at him through the mirror. He smiled, but I didn't.

Saglit pa nga siyang nagbiro tungkol sa kababalaghan daw dito pero hindi ako natawa, ibinalik ko nalang ulit ang aking mga paningin sa harapan ng salamin.

"Okay ka lang?" He smiled, walking slowly towards my direction.

"May okay ba na umiiyak?" I scoffed.