Wabi-Sabi

18

"I'll pick you up at 8. Ingat!"

Bumaba ako sa kotse tsaka ngumiti. Hinintay ko na muna siyang makaalis bago bumalik sa dinaanan namin kanina.

Sa may malapit na subdivision ako nagpahatid dahil hindi ko pa talaga kaya na malaman niyang hindi ako doon nakatira. Dali-dali akong naglakad papunta sa bahay at agad naghanap nang pwedeng masuot.

"Naya, should I wear the black one or the red one?" I showed her the dresses I was holding in my hands. Both could actually work, which is why I can't decide between them.

"The red one, ate!"

I rolled my eyes, "No, the black one!"

She scoffed and left my room—a room so unsteady it could be blown away by a single gust of wind. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror, wearing the black silk dress I purchased last month. I talked to myself while inspecting every inch of it. Are my curves noticeable enough? Are my arms and shoulders sufficiently feminine? My thighs? Is my figure shapely enough? Okay, I think everything is settled.

No! Money!

Dali-dali kong tinignan ang drawer kung may pera pa ba ako. Ayaw kong magpa-libre sa kaniya. Nawala ang ngiti ko nang makitang dalawang daan nalang ang natira. Napatingin ako sa wall clock, malapit na mag 8 pm. Lumabas nalang ako ng kwarto, nakita pa ako ni mama na papaalis ng bahay.

"Ganda ng suot mo, anak,"

Ngumiti lang ako bago lumabas. I've already forgiven her for what she did in the past, but I'll never forget how she was the cause of my father's death. Sobrang dilim kaya need talaga palinawin ang mga mata dahil kung hindi malalagyan ng putik ang heels ko.

"Dalian mo, Maya," bulong ko sa sarili nang makalabas at pumwesto agad doon sa may entrance ng subdivision.

Mabuti naman at wala pa si Isaac pero unti-unti ko nang natatatanaw ang kotse niya. Huminto siya sa mismong harapan ko tsaka bumaba, nakangiting naglalakad palapit sa 'kin.

He was wearing both a black polo and slacks. Mukhang bagong ligo lang. Ang fresh!

"Saan mo gustong kumain?"

"Ikaw? Saan mo ba gusto?" Tanong ko.

"Ikaw nga tinatanong ko, eh," natatawa niyang sabi sabay iwas ng tingin.

"Huwag nalang kaya tayo kumain," biro ko bago napansin na parang nahihiya talaga siya.

Hindi ko maiwasang matawa nang makapasok kami sa kotse kasi komportable naman siya tignan pero halatang naiilang siya na ewan. Nang buksan niya ang ilaw doon ko lang nakita na medyo namumula siya. Hindi naman siya amoy alak.

"Hoy, Isaac! Kanina ka pa umiiwas nang tingin!"

"Wala lang 'to!" Tanggi niya sabay kagat ng ibabang parte ng labi para pigilan ang pag-ngiti.

"Kinikilig ka? Eh, kinikilig siya! Ako lang 'to, ano ka ba!"

"Masaya lang ako!"

"Dahil?" Tanong ko, todo ngiti pa rin.

"Remember how I asked you about the dinner date before?"

"Yes... yes," natigilan ako habang nakatingin sa kaniya na nakangiti.

"So, um," he was hesitant, but I could see how hard he tried to calm down and face me, "Instead of taking this night as a normal hangout," he looked down and inside the compartment, he grabbed something

It's a reservation ticket from one of the diners here in the city. Palipat-lipat ang mga paningin ko sa kaniya at sa papel na hawak niya. Seryoso ba siya?

Hinawakan niya bigla ang mga kamay ko at tinitigan ako sa mga mata. We were lost in each other's eyes, and all my worries faded, at least for now. I wanted to believe that his eyes weren't lying, but it was so comforting and peaceful.

"Will you be my dinner date?"

"Yes, Isaac!"

And we both felt our lips tied to each other.

I still couldn't shake off the feeling that what happened earlier put my mind at ease. I held onto Isaac's arm as we entered the restaurant. The interiors were classic and elegant, with a timeless charm that perfectly complemented our attire for the evening.

"This way for the reservation of Mr. Villaverde!"

As we were walking towards our table, siniko ko siya.

"Okay lang ba yung suot ko?"

He smiled, "Perfecto," nag-chef's kiss pa nga.

And I tried not to be conscious when people stare at me, but couldn't help it. Hindi ko pa rin talaga mapipigilan kaya sa oras na maiilang ako, iisipin ko lang iyong walang nag-iisip sa akin dahil ako lang yung nag-iisip ng masama sa sarili ko na pinasa ko sa kanila kaya inisip kong may iniisip silang masama sa akin.

He excused himself to the bathroom, leaving me alone with the menu the waiter had brought. I took a deep breath and gazed at the wine glass before me. I wanted to cry because I thought I finally understood what Wabi-Sabi truly meant.

Yet here I was, still pretending.

I wanted to tell him. I was sure he would understand, but what if he didn't? What if he couldn't?

Paano kong mandiri siya sa 'kin kasi all this time I was clout chasing. What if he can't see me the same way if I tell him the truth? I can't afford to lose him again, not ever.

"May napili ka na?"

Nabalik ako sa reyalidad nang tanungin niya ako. Ngumiti ako tsaka tumango. Pinanood ko lang siyang basahin kung anong nakalagay doon sa menu. Ang gwapo niya talaga, ano kaya itsura niya pag nasa kama? Hoy, biro lang!

After dinner, we stepped out onto the balcony, admiring the passing cars and the bustling streets below. I closed my eyes, feeling his hand wrap around my waist. When I opened my eyes to look at him, he was smiling with his eyes closed, so I did the same.

I felt so sleepy while we were on our way home but became fully awake when I read the street sign. Isabela Street. Isaac and I both stared at each other and I guess we knew what we had in mind at this moment.

Lumabas kami dala-dala yung takeout foods at sinalubong kami ng mga aso. Sobrang saya nila nang makita nila kami kaya umupo kami sa pwesto na kung saan kami umupo ni Isaac noong pinakain namin sila ng mga pandesal.

"Wow naman, upgrade na ang pagkain nila doggy!" Puri niya habang inisa-isa kong nilabas yung mga hita ng manok.

"Tapos bukas balik pandesal na ulit sila," biro ko at napatawa nalang nang makitang mas dumami pa sila dahil may mga puppies na silang kasama.

"Ito ba yung si Chelsea?" nakangiting tanong ni Isaac habang nilalapag sa gilid ng kalsada yung mga natirang pagkain.

"Ay korek! Motherhood era na siya ngayon!"

"Sinong tatay ng mga anak mo, Chelsea?"

"Hindi niya masagot, masyado daw controversial ang tanong!" sabi ko bago umupo sa gilid.

Umupo rin siya habang nasa harapan naman namin yung mga aso at may iba din na nasa gilid naming dalawa. Kapwa kami napabuntong-hininga dahil sa wakas ay natapos na namin silang bigyan ng pagkain.

I stared at him the whole time as he watched the dogs. Whenever I looked at him, all I felt was peace. Maybe he's worth the risk after all.

"Dinner date kasama ang mga aso," sabi ko sabay tingin kay Isaac.