Wabi-Sabi

21

"I didn't know that you were good at photography!"

I sipped on the juice before I continued swiping through the photos. He was really good at taking pictures, and I couldn't deny how perfect I looked in these images.

"Pinilit pa 'yan, paano nalang kaya kapag bukal sa kalooban ko ang mag-picture. 'Baka 'di mo na makilala sarili mo,"

Nagyabang pa nga, pabiro ko siyang inikutan ng mga mata bago ibinalik ang paningin sa phone screen. Lumiwanag ang mukha ko matapos makita ang picture kong tumatawa, ang ganda tignan. Genuine na genuine talaga ang tawa ko, nag-slide pa ako papuntang left side to check the other pictures. The fierce one was also nice, and the one I wore with a flower headband looked good too. Medyo mataas ang postura ko dito.

He left to pick up his parents in the city, so I was left alone. It didn't bother me that much, though. I glanced all over the place, starstruck. I hadn't seen this when I entered the cafe. It totally reminds me of Luna's cafe. I found myself staring at my reflection in the window in front of me.

I saw how my reflection stared at me, and I slowly understood what she was trying to convey to me through her eyes. Napayuko ako, my insecurities...

"Hey,"

I held my chin at dahan-dahan itong inangat para makatingin ako sa kaniya, naiyak tuloy ako. She looked at me with concern in her eyes. I tried to look away, but she was too fast to notice that I was shedding tears, and she immediately wiped my tears using her thumb.

"Baby step muna, okay?" She gave me an assuring smile, mas gusto ko lalong maiyak.

"I... still had my... insecurities inside... me,"

I refused to look at her—my own reflection—nakakahiya sa kaniya.

"Wala namang matututo sa isang gabi lang, diba? Baby steps na muna, Maya!" She continued, "Stop comparing youself to others! That's the second way to practice Wabi-Sabi!"

"How often do you compare yourself to others?" and then she asked me again.

"Every day," I replied shortly.

I remained silent trying my best not to cry.

"Alam mo yun. Kahit anong pilit ko sa sarili ko na wag mainggit o ikumpara ang sarili, hindi ko magawa, eh. Nakikita ko silang maraming naaabot, yung iba magaling sumayaw, mag-gitara, kumanta, may iba pa ngang halos lahat ng talento nasa sa kanila na. Parang nasalo nila lahat habang ako, display lang ata. Sinabi ko na sa sarili ko kahapon, noong nag-hike kami na hindi ko kailangan ng validation, naniwala ako doon pero minsan, nag-be-breakdown nalang ako bigla. Malulungkot nalang ako, mahirap makipag-laban pag ikaw lang mag-isa pero kailangan, eh!"

Idinaan ko sa pag-higop ng juice ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko, ayaw kong maiyak. That's the least I could do. I don't want her to worry, blame herself, or question her capabilities just because I wasn't able to grasp all the learnings yesterday.

"Hindi ka ba napapagod?"

Hindi na ako nagulat pa, alam kong yan talaga ang itatanong niya. Nag-angat ako nang tingin upang tignan siya, I could see concern mixed with confusion in my eyes.

Napapagod ako, palagi. Walang araw na hindi ako napapagod, keeping all the secrets inside me and acting like I don't have any at all is the worst.

"You like torturing yourself, huh!" She chuckled a bit, "Try to remember the uniqueness of each tree in the park yesterday!"

My eyes widened as I remembered. How could I forget those words I uttered to myself yesterday? Her eyes widened too, clearly mirroring mine.