Wabi-Sabi

16

I am Sisyphus, and the boulder is all my insecurities. Just when I was on the verge of being completely free, the boulder slipped from my grasp and rolled back down to the bottom. I was condemned to push all my insecurities, trying to suck them out of my body, only to end up starting all over again. It's like a never-ending war.

"Learning Wabi-Sabi takes a lot of patience, practice, acceptance, belief, and self-forgiveness. It will really take a long time, but as you believe in yourself, you'll find peace in your heart, mind, and soul,"

She briefly touched my heart, my mind, and even my whole body, each contact carrying a sense of serenity and understanding. Her smile, gentle yet profound, seemed to linger in the room, leaving behind a trail of warmth that embraced me.

-

"By any chance, how old are you?"

Naka-plastered pa rin sa mukha niya ang ngiti, kaya kahit nangangawit na ay nakangiti pa rin ako ng todo. Hindi ba siya nangangalayan kakangiti sa akin? Hindi naman halata sa mukha niyang na nangangawit na siya? 'Di gaya ko na parang natatae na ewan.

Siguro din kasi pag-gusto mo yung kausap o yung tao, hindi ka napapagod ngumiti o nangangalay kasi gusto mo siya, eh. Pero siguro pag-napilitan ka lang, gaya ko, mangangawit talaga.

"19," inabot ko ang kamay niya para makipag-kamay at kinuha niya din ito kaagad, dahan-dahang yinugyug.

"I see!" Tumango siya saglit, napatingala sa itaas na halatang may iniisip ng malalim, "What do you think about whenever you enter a restaurant or any place crowded with people, and you're alone, and they all stare at you?"

Ang lalim nun, ha! Napaisip ako saglit, ano nga ba ang nararamdaman ko kapag pumapasok sa isang mataong lugar tapos mapapasulyap sila sa akin? Backstabbing me? Or judging my appearance? Or critiquing my behavior?

Finally, I had the urge to speak when I thought of something.

"Gossiping about me, or maybe, thinking negatively about me. Precisely, they are likely judging how I dress, or—"

Iniharang niya kaagad ang dalawang kamay sa harapan niya upang senyasan ako na tumigil na, tumawa siya saglit kaya natawa din ako. Siguro naging madaldal ako ng ilang segundo.

Saglit na nanlaki ang aking mga mata nang hawakan niya ang dalawang kamay ko, kinukurot-kurot niya ito ng dahan-dahan na nagpakalma sa akin, hindi ko alam pero ang gaan lang sa pakiramdam.

"I'll tell you what. Nobody was ever thinking about you. We reached a point where we self-sabotaged and pondered, who am I from their perspective? What versions of me exist inside their heads? Am I the villain, the clown, or the snake? Whatever versions of you exist in the minds of others, you know who you are. And the truth is, people are so busy worrying that others are judging them, just like you, that they don't have time to criticize you. Maybe they stare at you, but don't you do that sometimes? Just stare at people without really judging them? It's just that you stare, and that's all,"

I get it. May kaniya-kaniyang buhay at problema ang mga tao kaya ano o sino ako sa kanila para pag-aksyahan ng oras? Okay, that hit me. Gaya ko, pag-may pumapasok na tao sa cafe nina Luna, susulyapan ko lang sila saglit tapos hindi ko na sila pag-aksayahan ng oras para tignan kung paano sila kumilos o magsalita kasi may sarili akong buhay na dapat kong bigyang pansin.

Gusto kong suntukin ang sarili ko ngayon dahil matagal ko namang alam yan, ewan ko lang kung bakit hindi ko magawang turuan ang utak ko na mag-isip ng ganiyan.