I am his

51.

Kaden

As I entered Kris's office, I found myself wrestling with my inner turmoil. The idea of therapy was not something that came naturally to me, but at Naomi's insistence, I decided to give it a try, hoping it would help me confront the anger I've been harboring within.

Kris's warm smile greeted me as I took a seat, my response a bit curt. Talking about emotions was never easy for me, and I preferred to keep things hidden. Yet, here I was, attempting to open up to someone I barely knew.

As we delved into the topic of my girlfriend, Naomi, I couldn't help but feel a mix of pride and insecurity. She meant the world to me, but my past haunted me, making me doubt if I was truly deserving of her love.

I confessed my fears about my past catching up to me and my desire to protect Naomi from any potential repercussions. It weighed heavily on my heart, leading me to question my future and the sacrifices I was willing to make for her.

"I love her so much that I'm willing to forget about my future for her," I admitted, glancing down as I played with my ring, a tangible reminder of our commitment.

Kris probed further, inquiring about my family's expectations and how they conflicted with my own desires. My father had a future mapped out for me, one I wasn't willing to embrace, as it would jeopardize my happiness with Naomi. The tension between loyalty to my family and my love for her weighed heavily on my conscience.

"It's not that I don't want a future," I replied with a hint of vulnerability, "but I can't have happiness and make her happy at the same time."

As I opened up about my doubts and insecurities, my thoughts inevitably turned to Naomi's own struggles, specifically her infertility. The revelation struck me with a profound sense of guilt, realizing the pain I had unknowingly caused her.

"I don't deserve her," I confessed, feeling the weight of my own brokenness. The awareness of my flaws made the prospect of walking away from her more palatable, as loving her meant facing my own shortcomings.

Caught in the mire of my emotions, I glanced up and found Kris looking at me with concern. I mustered a fake smile, attempting to deflect from my vulnerability. "Can we just talk about something else?" I requested, seeking a respite from the turmoil within. Gazing out the window, I found a momentary solace in the passing scenery, allowing me a brief reprieve from the emotional depths I had just bared.

She suggested we delve into my feelings about my father, and I hesitated before sharing my complicated emotions. "My father can be nice sometimes, but he's an asshole most of the time," I confessed, annoyance evident in my voice. "I believe I've inherited some of his traits, and that's why I hate myself."

Kris carefully probed further, asking about my father's business trips. I revealed that as a child, I used to resent his absence, but later discovered he had been using those trips to visit Mia, my stepsister who now lives with us.

My relationship with my mother, on the other hand, appeared more stable. We got along well, although we had minor disagreements over my occasional sneaking out and smoking habit, which I acknowledged I was trying to overcome.

Regarding my stepsister Mia, I admitted that I had initially disliked her, finding her annoying. However, I came to realize that we shared a sense of loneliness and found a connection with her, emotionally.

As Kris inquired about changes I thought I needed to make to better myself, I recognized the importance of cutting down on cigarettes and refocusing on my schoolwork.

The mention of the future made me uneasy, and I expressed my aversion to dwelling on what lay ahead when the present was right in front of me.

Kris then shared the results of a test I had taken the previous week, revealing I had borderline personality disorder and had been diagnosed with anger issues as a child. I acknowledged my tendency to be impulsive and how my actions could hurt those around me.

As the session drew to a close, the timer reminded us of the passing time. Kris assured me that she was available if I needed to talk before our next session, scheduled for the following week.

Driving home, I reflected on the revelations of our conversation. My complicated feelings about my family and myself weighed heavily on my mind, but I found solace in knowing that I had Kris as a guide on my journey toward self-improvement.

As I stepped through the door, I felt a mix of emotions, but also a glimmer of hope. The realization that I had taken the first step towards understanding and healing.

As I entered the room, I couldn't help but feel a mix of emotions swirling within me. The sight of Naomi and Mia engrossed in a movie warmed my heart, and I couldn't resist greeting them with a playful tone, "Hello mama Mia," I said, smiling at my sister.

Mia's laughter filled the air, and I couldn't help but feel a sense of belonging in their company. Wrapping my arms around Naomi, I noticed how her face lit up instantly, and in that moment, I was reminded of why I adored her smile so much.

"Hey," I beamed, feeling the comfort of her presence enveloping me.

Her voice dropped to a soft whisper, showing her concern as she asked about my therapy session. "Hi, how was therapy?"

A playful grin spread across my face, and I replied, "Shit," fully aware that she'd understand my dark sense of humor.

But Naomi, ever the supportive partner, probed further, "Did it help?"

I nodded, acknowledging her genuine interest, "Mhm, she made me talk about everything."

As we continued our conversation, I felt the weight of the day beginning to take its toll. Naomi, ever perceptive, noticed my weariness and suggested, "Ohh really, well you look tired maybe you should go to bed."

Her caring nature never failed to touch me, and I agreed with a gentle nod, "Mhmm, I will."

Before heading to my room, I took a moment to savor the sweetness of the evening by kissing her softly, feeling the love and warmth in that simple gesture. As I lay in bed, I couldn't help but reflect on the beauty of the connections in my life, cherishing the way Naomi always knew how to ease my burden and make me feel loved.

In the silence of my room, I felt grateful for the understanding and compassion that surrounded me.