Discovering myself (18+)

56. In the walk of shame

Awkwardly walking from one side to the other at a slow pace in Brandon's apartment, unstable and groggy, understanding the reason why I always plan everything before instead of acting by impulse.

I won't change my mind now, the alcohol in my blood isn't the same as when I took this decision, yet I can always add more.

"Can I have a drink?" I request Brandon who watches me suspiciously. If I can distinguish he is analyzing me, I'm not drunk enough.

I thought it would be easier, my mistake, there is nothing easy about this.

"Drink this", he provides me what I believe is a glass of soda, no alcohol, not what I'm needing.

"I mean an alcoholic drink", I succeed to declare, proving once more I'm not drunk enough. I still have the image of Andrew haunting my mind, imagining I saw him at the pub, in the middle of the craw when we were leaving. But it was only a ghost, a creation of my disturbed mind delaying my mission on getting over him.

"You drank enough Kels", I take the damn glass in my hands only inspecting it, this is not what I want, this is not what will encourage me to move on, numb the pain, and help get over it.

I need to get over it.

The irony of moving on and stepping back for it. Moving on with your ex is never moving on and I'm still aware of it.

Yet I couldn't do it any other way. I'm such a drunk-ass failure.

The goal was being drunker; drunk enough to forget about the mess I am. But I failed.

I gulp the damn glass of soda as if it was a vodka one, maybe if I believe strongly enough I can have a psychological effect from it.

I walk in Brandon's direction, moving on involve in more than talking so I start acting, positioning myself on his lap, straddling him, and attacking his lips.

"Kels-", I kiss him again, not conceding space for distraction, I'm not looking for a conversation.

With each kiss we share, more consciousness I feel. Conscious of how wrong it feels, aware the anesthesia provided by the alcohol is expiring. Conscious I'm kissing Brandon, and not a stranger, yet it feels wrong and unknown, different from what I have expected. I kissed him for four years, how can it be strange?

"Kels, stop", I'm all over him, recognizing he is trying to stop my advances and I anticipate another rejection.

I can't deal with another one...

"Kels?" I hear him from afar.

"Kels, no, I didn't mean it like that", I feel Brandon's arms around me, hugging me and placing me back on his lap, it doesn't matter how strong he holds me I still feel alone, I still feel the gap I have avoided the entire night. It's still right there, perhaps even bigger now.

"Kels, you are drunk", his thumb is on my cheek capturing a tear of mine when I hear myself sobbing. " Please don't cry, you misunderstood me".

I raise my head to look at him, well aware my foggy vision is caused by my continuing falling tears.

"I want you more than anyone Kels, but not like this, not drunk like this", his explanation should have cheered me up, apprehending it is not a rejection, however, my mind converts it, and instead of feeling better, it makes me feel worst.

All I can think about is why the only person I want right now doesn't feel the same. Why am I here crying for him while he is with someone else? And why can I simply move on or have feelings for someone who has feelings for me too?