Discovering myself (18+)

27. In the lack of control

Disastrous is the word to resume my soccer practice today.

Mud, fatigue, sweat, shoves, and lack of competence.

I had no control over the ball, no control over the game.

I couldn't focus, again, my mind was somewhere else.

I missed some easy passes, I performed mediocre corner kicks, not citing other unfortunate actions.

By the end of it, I'm not surprised when the coach announces to me I'm on the backup team, and that if I continue playing this way I won't be on the team at all.

He declares my level is unsatisfactory, and I'm here right in front of him, looking in his eyes while he cites all reasons why he is putting me on the bench, watching my reflection in his eyes while mines are glossy.

I'm performing my best not to cry in front of him, avoiding a leakage, attempting to face it as a professional, to suck it up, and not show how ashamed I feel.

Because he is right.

I'm playing horribly for a time now, I can't concentrate, I don't have the energy, I'm not doing any effort.

I'm so frustrated about it, soccer used to be one of my priorities, and now what happened?

I'm already on the second team of the college, and now I'm on the bench of the second team?

How feeble am I?

I direct myself to my brother's place after my practice, my mindset on a straight line to it, I need to talk to Liam.

I don't even care about changing my uniform or even showering, I'm just so mad at him, I'm using my desperation to move, as my energy fuel.

Everything is slipping out of my fingers and I'm losing control.

Everything used to be so sure, I always knew what I was doing and what I will do next, and now, now I don't.

Soccer, I used to love playing it, I used to be proud of playing it, now I don't even know if I will be able to continue playing it.

In my career, I dreamed about studying in France, I used to have every step planned, but I'm not even looking for colleges yet, I don't even know what I will do next time.

I used to have a boyfriend, who I trusted, it was stable, now I probably don't have even a fling anymore.

Everything is unsure, everything is so messed up, I'm not sure I know what I'm doing anymore.

My head is kept down all the way, it is a miracle I haven't been hit by a car, I'm seeing nothing, my mind is in a blur.

It's windy, I should be cold wearing only my uniform, but I don't even feel it.

I loathe this day; it is so out of everything I have planned. I don't even feel myself.

The frustration about me going on the reserve team plus Liam sleeping with my best friend hit hard on me, and I don't know when one ends and the other begins anymore.

I'm disappointed with myself. I feel beaten.

And I wish I didn't care about it, but I'm so intrigued, to not say other things, by how Andrew acted this morning.

I admit I was kind of excited to spend tonight with him.

And it was him that convinced me about it and not the other way around. I don't get it.

I was so eager about everything I was intending to do with him, and I was plotting to do so much.

Did he discover I wanted to revenge and canceled?