First And Forever (under reconstruction) (Wattys2018)

Chapter 57: Unrevealed Feelings in The Dark

Clair POV

I listen to James' quiet breathing next to me in the dark room as I try to fall asleep, guilt clawing at every pore of my being as I lay in this intimate embrace with someone other than my lover. This should be Liam, not James. I shouldn't be doing this, I'm betraying Liam. Tears run down my face as these thoughts cross my mind, but I'm powerless to stop them. It's been three years since Liam's death, and while the others moved on to start new lives, James stayed. Through all of my efforts to push him away, through the stress and tears and drama, he still stayed. Much to the chagrin of both of us, the doctor's predictions of the twins' developing disorders due to the drugs Josh put in my system is true. Coda has ADHD and Dysgraphia, and Hunter has Bipolar Disorder and aggression issues. Willow developed no disorders, a perfect spitting image of her father himself. From the face to the hair to the eyes, Willow looks exactly like Liam. James stayed and helped me through the years of raising the kids, he forced me to confront my demons, he raised my children at a time I was incapable of doing so. The others keep in touch and visit quite frequently to see us and the kids, but James is the only semi permanent being in my life that has stuck around this long.

I still shouldn't be wrapped in another man's arms when Liam died to save me. I should've died with him, I should be alone so I don't betray my love. I'm nothing more than a common whore. More tears fall down my face as I manage to sink into a troubled sleep.

James POV

I hear Clarice's troubled breathing as I pretend to sleep, feel the tension in her body as her nightmares start up again. They're slowly becoming less and less frequent, but when they hit, they hit hard. Rotating my body slowly, I gently pull her toned body into the circle of my arms. The electric spark is back, igniting my soul as I hold her close to my heart. Her arms snap around my waist, gripping me tightly to her body as she starts to quietly gasp and sob. Her face buries in my bare chest, her legs tangling desperately with mine as her nails bite into my back in the depth of her fear. I hold her closer to me, kissing her forehead as I berate myself over and over for doing the forbidden. I know we can't do this, that we shouldn't, but neither of us can stay away. I close my eyes as her sobbing quiets a bit, falling asleep to the steady but quick paced thrumming beat of her heart against mine, a feeling I never want to forget.

When my eyes open, I see what can only be described as an angel, an angel of a teenage boy. An angel with white gossamer wings and a glowing halo, more beautiful than humanly possible. But when the angel looks up at me, my heart skips a beat. While his face is different and slightly younger with a straight smile, his eyes are the dark sapphire blue that's copied perfectly into the face of his young daughter. The angel is no one other than William, Clarice's deceased soulmate and one she still deeply deeply loves. My mouth is dropped open as this teenage angel gives me a boyish grin, unable to speak as I watch him. He pushes himself to his feet, loping over and slapping me on the back, "Hey James, how's life?"

I close my mouth slowly, stuttering like an idiot as I struggle to form words around my shock, "H-how a-are y-you h-h-h-HERE?!" William laughs at my reaction, rolling his eyes in amusement before he answers, "I'm an angel dude, and I'm here to give you a message." I blink slowly, my mind slowly coming to terms with the fact that William is here right now to give me a message, "Ok, while I'm still extremely shocked that you're here, what's your message?" I'm confused, I mean, what have I done that William would need to send me a message? Is there something I've done wrong? As if he's reading my mind, William looks me square in the eye, "No, you've done nothing wrong. What you feel is not a crime, what you feel is real."

I open my mouth, shock spreading through every cell of my body, "W-what do you mean?" William looks me in the eye again, his dark blue eyes serious as he speaks, "It's not wrong what you feel for Clair. She needs to move on, she needs to fall in love so she's not forever alone. I'm not coming back, she's 20 now, I'm still frozen at 16. I'm always going to be frozen at 16, that's not changing. Clair can't waste her life away mourning for me. What's done is done, and I know you love her. Take a chance, leap the burned bridge she's too scared to leap herself. I want her happy, make her happy, James." William is slowly fading as he speaks, before he's nothing more than a speck of light. I leap towards it in an effort to bring him back, to keep him here so Clarice can be happy, but the room I'm in starts to blur. As my eyes dart around the scene, everything starts to blur until I'm standing in a scene of absolute blackness. With a start, I wake up. I whip my head from side to side, searching the room for those bright gossamer wings and for William. Clarice's breathing is gentle and even against my chest, the room shrouded in nothing but darkness and moonlight. There's no shape of William, no sign of any movement. But as I lay my head down on top of Clarice's sweet smelling curls, for the first time since I started to fall for her, I feel peace.