I rewrote this and complete changed it. The other was... complete crap, I guess. I hope this is better. It's kind of short, shorter than the other one anyways.
I love this band, mostly their older stuff. They were more real then, more raw.
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“Bleed” Hot Chelle Rae
I sat on the edge of the lake, watching as the water rippled with every stone I threw in. With every stone I tried to throw in all my insecurities. But they seemed to just bubble in me, threatening to spill over. Every single worry I’d ever had, every worst-case scenario was mocking me. Laughing in my face as the tears rolled down.
Ian was in the hospital and there was absolutely nothing I could do. I couldn’t save him. Cancer was something I couldn’t wipe away.
What hurt me the most was that he was hurting. That he was in pain. It hurt me to see him weak and struggling. I didn’t want him dead… I wanted him better. I wanted him healthy. I wanted him with me.
I threw another stone, trying to pass on all the anger I felt in that one throw. It was wishful thinking. There was no way I’d ever release all the pent up anger. It was all just a cover…
It was covering my fear.
I felt the big, fat tears rolling down my face and I wiped them away angrily. They were betraying me.
How could life go on when everything was falling apart? Why did it only have to be me that was hurting? Why was it that God had decided to punish me? What had I ever done to deserve this?
I laughed bitterly- classic line: what had I ever done to deserve this?
I threw another stone, watching as it skipped a few times before it sunk. What I wouldn’t do to not feel like that pebble. I was drowning and there was no one that could help me.
I chewed the inside of my cheek, thinking of Ian lying by himself in a hospital bed. He was probably wondering where I was…
But I couldn’t face him.
All the anger I had would just be unleashed on him. I wanted nothing more than to just scream at the air, but I couldn’t… That would mark me insane.
I rolled my eyes. Didn’t I have some sort of right to be a bit crazy? The love of my life, my soulmate, Ian, was in the hospital, on his death bed… He was slowly withering away into a body-less soul while I was to remain here with the burden of it all. I was supposed to grieve a bit and then move on from all the hurt. I was supposed to cherish those memories with happiness.
If he died, I wanted to follow. I didn’t want to just sit around and cry. I didn’t want to recall all the memories I had of us being together. I didn’t want to remember.
I wanted to forget. I wanted to forget everything Ian and I had ever done. I wanted to forget every loving moment we had shared.
I wish it was me on that hospital bed.
Ian was too good for it. He had a future, a bright one, ahead of him. He had family that loved him. Why was he being taken away?
Why couldn’t it be me?
I couldn’t lose Ian… I’d lose myself too.
