Fading Out (COMPLETED)

Chapter forty

I've got the pecan pies in the oven and the steaks marinating, the vegetables are prepared and I open a beer as I clean down the benches. I wonder if I should take Ellie a beer too? Probably not if she wants to remember what she's reading.
I go to see what my brothers are arguing about in the living room and lean on the doorframe not wanting to intrude on the rowdy banter, the girls are nursing the babies and the boys are seriously measuring their biceps and I shake my head.
"I dare you to challenge him to a pants off measure up" I tease Coop.
"Would I win?" Coop asks looking back at me.
"Only one way to find out bro" I raise my glass in salute.
"We've discussed this haven't we? I'm game if you are" Jace grins wiggling his eyebrows and showing off his dimples that disturbingly make my cock jump in my pants.
"Okay dude don't do that around me anymore" I cover my eyes to block him out.
"Why? Am I turning you on hot buns?" Jace laughs and comes to hug me lifting me off the ground.
"Hey! That's McSexy hot buns to you" Ellie calls out and Jace drops me quick when I hear a slap on the back of his head. "Please dude, I'm begging you. Leave the pants on" she laughs behind him just out of eyesight.
"Or what Ellie belly? Or what?" Jace turns and I see my beauty, he tries to tickle her but she slaps his hands faster than he can move.
"Or maybe one day next week your coffee pot will be laced with laxatives while you sleep, you'll never even know you've been hit till you're in the office in need of a new suit" Ellie taunts bravely and I absolutely believe she's serious.
"You are as evil as you are beautiful, aren't you sweetheart?" I chuckle and pull Ellie into my arms, it's been way too long since I've touched her.
Ellie leans into me and her arms wrap automatically around my waist, her fingers dipping into my back pockets.
"Uh huh, you don't look scared" Ellie beams up at me and this time I kiss those sexy dimples.
"I'm scared I'm never going to get enough of you" I whisper.
"As long as you're not over me in a few weeks I can live with that" Ellie snorts and steals my beer to take a swig.
"Red" I warn. "Not gonna happen" I growl hoping one day she'll know this.
"So I was wondering if I could get you to give me a hand with my study?" Ellie asks changing the subject and I grimace, I knew this day would come.
"Elle, I don't think I could even read those big fancy words in your books" I apologise.
"That's okay I can read it fine, I just need to perform an open surgery splenectomy on you. It shouldn't take long" she smiles.
"Ah Baby, a what now?" I ask worried.
"I need to open your abdominal cavity and remove your spleen just under your ribs right about here" Ellie asks sweetly tracing her fingertip over my chest.
"Doesn't he need that?" Coop asks now.
"Some people have an accessory spleen, a spare. Sometimes if a piece is left behind it can actually regenerate a whole new spleen and a healthy person can live without one just fine with minor lifestyle alterations" Ellie shakes her head assuring him.
"Will you kiss it better when you're done?" I shrug and finish my beer.
"Of course I will, standard procedure" Ellie grins.
"Then lets do it" I sigh.
"Sweet! I'll get my things, you get on the dinner table" Ellie smacks my ass and races up the stairs.
"Good thing I just washed up the vegetable knife" I mutter and do as I'm told.
"Dude you can't be serious?" Coop follows me into the dining room.
"Why? My lady needs help, I help. Ellie said I would be fine" I tell him only feeling a little nervous.
"You trust her not to kill you?" He rakes his fingers through his hair freaking out.
"Most days, less so when her car is sideways" I chuckle quietly.
"Fucking hell... I can't watch this. I'm getting us scotch" he paces and leaves for the kitchen.
He returns lightning fast filling a glass with scotch and hands me the bottle, I never say no and take a swig while Cooper continues to pace.
"Hey!" Ellie laughs watching Coop as she comes back in. "Nil by mouth before surgery, do you want to choke on your own vomit and die?" She teases and takes the bottle from my hand to take a hit herself.
She kisses me slow and sexy, my mouth still tingling from the liquor and now the only thing I'm nervous about is laying flat on the table in these tight pants.
"You are so fucking beautiful" I whisper biting and sucking her lips.
"That fucking mouth Boy" she moans and pushes at my shoulders to break us up.
"Love you" I smile breathless.
"Then take your shirt off" she giggles and guides me back to the table.
"Should I get some plastic sheeting or something? Is is going to get messy?" Coop asks watching her like a hawk.
"You'll get messy if you keep drinking like that, chill Boo Boo I've done this once before. Dude was dead and had no blood... not important. If you want to help, go to the bathroom down the hall and take your shirt off, there's a shiny thing on the wall, I want you to look at it" Ellie tells him seriously and I almost choke on my next swig of scotch.
"What? How will that help?" Coop asks confused.
"Well it will keep you busy for a few hours and I won't have to listen to stupid questions" Ellie smiles cheekily and opens a glittering pink pouch. "If I smudge my sharpies on the table I promise I'll clean it up" she waves the markers in front of her.
"Oh thank the gods! No knifes?" He sighs holding his chest in relief.
"Not today" Ellie winks at him and he pats her shoulder as he passes to rejoin the others in the living room.
"It's alright, she's just pretending" Coop alerts the others who laugh at his dramatics.
"Your brother is hilarious" Ellie smiles at me.
"He has his moments" I smile back feeling relaxed now thanks to the alcohol and lack of sharp pointy objects threatening the integrity of my skin.
"You knew I wouldn't actually cut you right Boy?" Ellie asks as I take my shirt off.
"Didn't matter either way, I told you, anything for my lady"
"You would let me operate on you?" Ellie's asks licking her lips while staring at my tattoo.
"If you needed the practice" I shrug.
"The edges are peeling, when I'm done I'll rub some ointment in for you" Ellie offers and the room feels smaller, hotter, the air more dense than it was seconds ago.
"That would be much appreciated, it itches like a motherfucker" I say low and grumbling.
Warm, soft hands move over my abs and gently push my shoulders so I'm laying on the hard flat surface of the dinner table.
"If you could pretend to be dead for the next ten minutes that'll be great" Ellie tells me already distracted by her thick text books.
"You sound like my mother when she had a date, otherwise known as a drug deal" I scoff and close my eyes.
"She exchanged sex for drugs?" Ellie asks quietly.
"That shit ain't free baby, mostly I just looked the other way when she stole from me instead" I answer casually.
"Hold still" Ellie whispers and a cold marker tickles my sternum. "Did it bother you?"
"No, it was expected. My world was a very small place, I only knew what my parents told me. Things like drugs were normal and everyday routine for you like breakfast cereal and fabric softener was things I only knew from TV, not that I was allowed to watch it. If it wasn't in my bedroom it didn't exist"
"You couldn't tell anyone? A teacher? Doctor?" She breathes as she traces out different muscles on my body.
"Did you tell your doctor when you had chocolate or ice cream at night? Even if I knew anything was wrong I couldn't have told anyone, I couldn't talk. I think you've noticed once or twice so it might not surprise you but I have a stutter" I admit quietly.
"That does surprise me, everyone stumbles over their words now and then, if you had I didn't take notice. Speech impediments can be congenital but more often psychological, born out of trauma or distress" Ellie says thoughtful and I want to change the subject like now. "Were you born with it?"
"Not that I am aware of, I remember speaking clearly when I was younger"
"At what age did it first present itself?" Ellie sounds so much like a doctor right now and not the playful girl who was just teasing Coop.
"On my sixth birthday" I breathe starting to sweat.
"Gradually or did something happen to bring it on abruptly?" She continues lost in thought, she's going to figure it out any second.
She's going to be repulsed and leave, she's going to run from me.
"I remember my fathers hand coming down on my face hard and my head hit the tiles on the wall, his hard voice was angry and loud, he told me I was to never talk about him. I was used to being hit but he had never scared me like he did then, he asked me if I heard him when I didn't answer but my words didn't work anymore. No matter how hard I tried or how hard he hit me nothing but choked sounds would come out, even right now I have to concentrate on what I want to say or it won't come out right" I explain because as much as I want to lie, I can't lie to her.
"Jesus Christ Baby, that motherfucker" Ellie's hand stops and I open my eyes. "He did that to a six year old?" Her eyes are sad and hateful.
"I swear to god I never asked for it Baby, I hated every second" I beg her to understand.
"Of course you didn't ask to be hit, it wasn't your fault Cole" Ellie's warm hand caresses my cheek soothing me and I exhale in relief, she doesn't know.
"None of it matters anymore, that was someone else. I'm not that kid anymore" I force my breath to even out and my heart to beat slower.
"How did you learn to talk again? I'm guessing you weren't sent to expensive specialists" Ellie continues drawing on me and I close my eyes again.
"Promise not to laugh at me?" I ask nervously.
"Cross my heart, laughing is so far from what I'm feeling right now"
"Two years later I made a friend... that no one else could see. I invented someone to talk to, someone safe" I mumble not daring to open my eyes.
"You had an imaginary friend? That's awesome! I've always wanted to know, could you actually see him? Hear him, like a voice and everything?" Ellie gasps.
"Yes, I could tell her voice apart from everyone's. Her brown hair was impossibly thick and long, her wide blue eyes were too big for her little face and her hands were so small, I had to open all the jars for her" I shake my head feeling silly saying this to Ellie, I don't think she would understand.
"Ooh, she was a girl?" Ellie teases. "Did you have a crush on her?"
"I kinda fell in love with her, we grew up together. She was my strength, my confidant, my whole world. She never judged me no matter what I did" I blush and cover my face with the crook of my arm.
"Damn, now I'm jealous of someone who doesn't exist. When did you two... break up?" Ellie grumbles.
"I lost her, she was tied to an object, a coffee mug that had her name on it. It was never retrieved from the car I drowned in, she died with me and no one knew to look for her. No one saved her" I open one eye and peek out to see how much Ellie is laughing at me.
"I'm sorry Boy, you must have been so upset. Wait, weren't you like sixteen then?" She's not laughing even a little.
"I was" I agree to both with a nod of my head.
"What was her name?" She asks gently and I hesitate, I know how it will sound to her.
"It doesn't matter" I mumble.
"Of course it does"
"Isabel" I mumble quick and quiet.
"Isabel?!" Ellie repeats loud and long.
"Yeah what?" Iz calls from the living room and I open my eyes with a groan to look and see Coop standing behind Ellie leaning on the wall silently and with his arms folded across his chest.
His face is unreadable and stoic.
"Talking about you, not to you" I call out not knowing who to apologise to first.
"Are we? Talking about her?" Ellie frowns.
"The day she called me I was in real bad shape but as soon as I heard her voice I knew who it was before she even told me her name. I can tell that voice apart from everyone's" I sit up and tell the ceiling.
"Fucking hell... how is that possible?" Ellie slumps onto the table at my side.
"Some bonds can't be explained, I didn't know him like he knew me but the moment I heard his voice I knew he was a part of my spirit. Some bonds shouldn't be explained, no one would believe me if I said Coop and I could go forever without speaking a word, but words aren't needed with us" Iz says, coming in at the sound of her name.
"No one thought I'd want to know something like that?" Coop asks deathly quiet.
"You don't think I know how pathetic it sounds to say as an almost full grown adult I still had an imaginary friend? Or how crazy I sound when I say she was real? Izzy was never actually with me I know this, I don't know how but she knew I needed her. I know it wasn't Izzy's hand I held praying he couldn't break into the fortress we made in my closet, I know she never sat and had tea parties with me, but I know if she could've she would've. I'm an abused drug addict with mental health issues, half the time I don't know what's real and what I dream. Everyone should just forget I said anything" I say trying not to get upset.
"Did he? Break in?" Ellie asks taking my face in her hands.
"Every time" I tremble.
"And then?" Her forehead rests on mine and my eyes close to absorb her warmth.
"And then nothing, I told you. I'm not that kid, he died" I swallow.
"Oh Baby boy" she breathes and her arms wrap around me and I hold her.
"I'm fine sweetheart, this face is too pretty to be sad for a creep like me. Show me that smile?" I ask and kiss her temple.
"I love you so much, you know that's real right? I don't see an abused drug addict with mental health issues when I look at you, you know what I see? A man who's not afraid to be himself, a man who loves who he loves and fuck anyone who doesn't like it. I see a man who cares so much for his family and is strong enough to fight for them, a man who hasn't let the shit bestowed upon him take him down. I see my future, I see my sons face in your eyes, my daughters fiery attitude in your cocky smile and yes I will blame you every time she acts like me. Men should look at you with envy, you are so courageous, so talented. I don't want to hear you put yourself down, because I see you better than you see yourself, this is real, we are real. Nothing you say to me can change how I see you, nothing he did then can stop me from loving you now" Ellie tells me holding my face so I can't look away.
Tears fall to her cheeks and I gently wipe them away and kiss her lips just once.
"That's not even close, are you sure you're smart?" I tease and she giggles and sniffles finally smiling. "There we go, much better. I never want to make you cry Elle"
"Then lay the fuck down, you want to bleed out on the table?" Ellie asks bossy and pushes me down to finish her work.
"No, I'm very eager to see you butting heads with our daughter" I smirk and she rolls her eyes.
"I love you Ellie" Iz sobs out loud and rushes to Ellie holding onto her from behind making us all laugh. "I mean it, never leave" she blushes.
"Uh duh... I'm set up here, rent free and sex on demand. Why would I leave?" Ellie snorts and steals the beer Coop just opened.