Fading Out (COMPLETED)

Chapter forty three

I pull my iPad from my purse and get comfortable on the VIP couches, I feel like I'm far enough away to not be considered intruding but close enough that I can still see my spunky monkey.
God I feel like shit. My neck aches and my head pounds, my stomach is tender and my muscles are sore. Fucking stress. Last week all I had to worry about was sitting my exams, now I'll be grateful to not be behind bars long enough to get through them. I worry about Lenny and what Cole said, can I give up my crew? Do I want a crew if they are involved with major criminal activities and could I really be put on the outcast list if they think I'm too much, I kinda like my face and silly things like a working jaw and cheekbones, I'd hate to see them smashed.
Then there's the added stress that it might not be only my life I risk every time I race, could I be really risking Cole's son or daughter too? Oh god what if there's two of them?! I worry that Cole will leave me if I don't cut the coyotes loose, he traveled clear across the country to escape gangs, he left his home and his only friend. Yeah, he'd leave me too.
I stare at my screen but I don't see the details of the autopsy I'm supposed to be watching, incision here, stint there... Cole's going to leave me pregnant and alone, no Boy, no love, no racing, no crew.
I'm pretty sure I can handle everything but losing him, does that mean my decision is made? I leave the coyotes and retire my crown as top racer? I drive within the speed limits and go straight home after work? I kiss my Boy and let him rub my fat belly till I fall asleep, then I get up and repeat the process over and over till I pop, then I change diapers and try to remember what tit I fed from last instead of changing cannulas and trying to remember if I perform the median sternotomy before or after I harvest the grafts during a coronary artery bypass??
I can't breathe.
I hear Cole laugh and argue with Ryan as others start to turn up it instantly distracts me from a meltdown. I smile watching him smile, I remember how he makes me feel and how much I love him. Suddenly I don't care if I'm having a whole litter of kids, together we'll make anything work, I remember he loves me too.
I send him a text message,

I love you Cole.

He's playing with guitar pedals on the floor, crouched down and hunched over when I see him reach for his back pocket. I watch the surprise and confusion on his face when he sees it's me, I watch him read the words, it doesn't take long, and I see the smile at the corners of his mouth. His eyes lift to mine and a small frown wrinkles his brow, his head cocks to the side slightly like he's trying to figure out if I'm okay. I love you too he mouths to me and winks sexy and sweet, I sigh and smile making him shake his head indulgent and even across the large room I can feel our connection, suddenly I don't feel so bad.
Cole is about to jump from the stage when Mike enters with a loud Jewel on his shoulders, she's laughing loudly and trying to whisper something into his ear. It stops Cole from doing whatever he intended to do and I pout because I'm positive it involved touching or kissing me.
"So? Just get up did we?" Cole teases them obviously referring to Mike's mess of dark hair and unbuttoned shirt.
Jewel's short red hair is straight and perfect but she looks tired and washed out without any makeup on, I get the feeling that she's one of those girls who wears so much makeup that suddenly seeing them without it makes them look different. Her eyes look small and her brows are thin and wispy compared to the thick black winged liner and heavy sculpted eyebrows she normally sports, she has freckles and it makes her look almost sweet. Like someone I don't have to worry about eating my man when I'm not looking.
"Yes Bentley we did" Jewel stops laughing. "Good thing you didn't bring your new toy with you because I have a bone to pick with you and I don't want your guard dog attacking me again" she spits and jumps from Mike's back.
So much for sweetness, I'm going to fucking kick her scrawny ass.
"Is that right?" Cole says pissed instantly and his hands make fists at his side.
"Ah Jewel?" Simon nods his head in my direction and she turns.
I lay relaxed and smile giving her a nice finger wave but I swear to god if she takes one step towards me I'm going to claw her face off like a stray cat at the groomers.
"Whatever" she rolls her eyes and Mike takes her hand in his gently. "So I was reviewing our feedback online when I came across videos on our page of a fucking soloist playing his originals for a intimate crowd right here on this stage, want to explain why?" Jewel asks with a hard tone.
"Ah because I wanted to? This is my bar, my stage and they were my songs. Should I ask your permission to sing in the shower too?" Cole sighs.
"This is supposed to be the house band, we play exclusively here with you, for you. We play the crappy covers you tell us to and you're telling me you have your own stuff? You want to keep your work to yourself so you can sell us out the minute you make it because everyone here knows you will, it's just a matter of time. We show up here every week because we believe in you and idiotically believe you are going to take us with you, did you have any intention of making us anything more than a cover band at the local bar?" Jewel rants and I think he's actually hurt her feelings.
"No, no I didn't" Cole answers honestly.
"What?! Why?!" She splutters and everyone crowds around to listen, I sit up.
"Because I don't play my music for people, my music is like pages in a diary. I was dealing with stuff last week and in the moment it felt right to play them, I'm not going to apologise and I'm not going to promise it won't happen again. My brother has requested I play here to entertain the few quiet customers we have on Tuesdays and Wednesdays and you're welcome to come for the show, it's not competing with the band and honestly Jewel I'm not sure it's any of your business" Cole doesn't seem bothered by his band mates crowding round but I see the stain in his back.
"Dude, I agree. Those sappy originals weren't fitting for the band" Mike says risking the ire of Jewel. "What Bam Bam means is that maybe we should work on originals for the band, we didn't know you could write. You think together we could come up with something that sounds like My Sweet Downfall?"
"I've got some samples I've been working on, I could send them to you. See if you've got something that would work?" Simon asks.
"No, don't send them to me" Cole shakes his head. "Play them for me" Cole frowns nervously.
"Yeah man" Simon nods and presses buttons on his keyboard and an electric beat starts to play.
Cole listens and nods and sits at Mike's drum kit, with sticks in his hand he nods to the beat and closes his eyes. He looks so sexy sitting back there but not as good as up front and centre stage. The sticks come down on the drums and a catchy beat fills my ears making my feet tap involuntary, I like it. Mike comes to stand behind him and watches what Cole is doing, with a big flourish of hitting every drum the cycle repeats and Cole starts again. Cole stands and Mike copies the beat. Cole moves to the keyboard and without stopping what it's already playing Cole adds to it, playing like he would the piano. Simon slaps his shoulder with a laugh and Cole lets him take over. Jewel has strapped her bass over her shoulder and holds it tightly shaking her head when Cole approaches.
"Such a baby" Cole mutters and stands behind her.
His arms wrap around her holding onto the guitar and plays adding a bass line ignoring her, Jewel's hands batt him away as she continues. The room is filling with music that is fast and energetic, a fusion of blues and rock, it's sounding good. Cole picks up his guitar and stands with Ryan as he holds his own, Cole nods a beat in his head and I watch him close his eyes once more. I wonder if he can see the music inside his mind? His fingers shape cords but the doesn't play them just yet, he's waiting for something. He strums as the count repeats and a heavy whaling riff overshadows everything else, my arms prickle with goosebumps and my scalp tingles. I love it. Ryan watches but doesn't copy him, he plays a series of three cords over and over and it sounds like a real song. A song you only have to hear once to become favourite of the week, but I get the feeling it's only one section of the song. Everyone watches Cole waiting for direction but Cole lets them play it over and over till no one misses a beat.