Sajmra Talks Part 3 #wattys2018

Reflection 2: I'm Me

Salaam everyone

Not too long ago something happened that I have been reflecting on a lot lately, and I needed to share it.

I hope you don't mind listening :)

I was at the Masjid for my friend's wedding, and while standing in the hallway waiting for things to start, another friend of mine, let's call her...Bisma (for the sake of not saying friend one and friend two lol) came over with a sister I had never met before. She introduced her to me (let's call this sister Amina), then she goes,

"This is Saj. She's sick."

She wasn't saying it in a mean way or to get sympathy for me, I honestly don't even think she realized that she had said it. She said it as naturally and as casually as saying that my name is Saj, that I am a Muslim, that I am Moroccan, and that I love Disney.

Those are all defining facts about me.

Part of my identity.

Being sick is not.

I was shocked.

So was this poor sister Amina who up until that moment had never met me before. What else could she say besides,

"Oh uh may Allah swt give you Shifaa."

And what else could I say besides, with my face burning with embarrassment,

"Jazakillahukhairan."

I did not say anything to 'Bisma', partly because I know she didn't mean it in a malicious way, and partly because I didn't want to ruin my friend's wedding by causing tension or being visibly angry.

But this is something that I don't think a lot of people understand not only about me, but a lot of other people who have illnesses or disabilities.

They do not define us.

Do they sometimes take up time in our lives what with doctors and all the other appointments we have? Most definitely.

Does it get tiring sometimes having to take medicine? Yup.

Do we sometimes have to miss out on fun things we really really want to do because we suddenly don't feel well the day of? And then have our friends get mad at us because they don't understand? Double yes.

Do we get really sad when (those of us this applies to) we can't fast Ramadan, or have to adjust the way we can pray due to physical limitations? Especially when we have to explain ourselves to nosy people? Yes yes annnnnd yes!

But that doesn't change who we are.

When I first got sick, and I became paralyzed for a bit and had to use a wheelchair, I had people I have known my entire life refuse to look me in the eye. They would look above my head if they talked to me at all. If they saw me enter a room, they would run from it. Perhaps they were afraid they would say something hurtful on accident, perhaps they were afraid that I had changed, and that they would not know how to talk to me. Perhaps they just didn't want, or didn't know how to be around me anymore.

But I also have had people say the most insulting things to me. Claim that I was doing all of this to get attention. That it was all in my head. That it was my fault. That I was being lazy using a wheelchair. Someone even tried to trick me to see if I was pretending to have lost my eyesight.

Some of the awful things I have heard, crushed my self esteem to the point that I still haven't recovered entirely from it. And I used to be so upset, wondering why are they saying this to me? Alhamdulillah for everything, but I didn't choose this! If I had a choice, I wouldn't have chosen this!