A Haze

Chapter 21. The Switch

Nicole's POV

I step closer to him not understanding why he want's me to leave and not come back but he steps away from me.

"It's not safe for you Nikki, I could have gotten you killed tonight!" He yells at me he swallows hard and looks away.

"Damn it Andy I could walk across the street and get hit by a fucking bus! I'm not going to live my life panicking about if I am going to live or die, yes I was scared but I'm not going to walk away from you because of it." I say shaking my head.

"I can't be responsible for someone else I care for dying or being hurt Nikki I can't live through that again, don't you understand that? That's why I didn't want this shit in the first place." He pleads with me. "They're right you are my weakness, you will always be because I-" He cuts off shaking his head. "This life wasn't a choice, I had to do it to take care of my family you have so many options in life Nikki any door is open to you don't pick this door."

I walk closer to him as a strong ache pierces through my chest. I run my hands slowly up his chest he flinches knitting his eyebrows together and looks away from me. "Please, don't push me away." I plead with him..

He doesn't speak or move, just like he's a statue.

"It's to bad you couldn't figure it out sooner, and at least save me the hurt of losing you. You're a selfish asshole." I growl stepping away from him his head snaps over looking at me.

"Keeping you here, risking your life is selfish Nikki!" He yells.

"You're doing this to save yourself the hurt." I mutter shaking my head. "When you don't even know if anything will ever happen to me. I can obviously take care of myself, I always have."

I shake my head at him. "Fine Andy, have it your way." I whisper letting the tears pool into my eyes.

"Nik-" He cuts off choking on what he can't say.

I grab my keys and walk out the door, I back my car down the driveway quickly and head for home. Tomorrow is Saturday, Billy is coming back apparently the only guy I can depend on.

I toss my keys onto the kitchen counter and grab a Coke out of the fridge, it's weird I feel like I haven't been home for weeks, I feel as if I've known Andy for years. I feel as if he just ripped my heart from my chest threw it on the ground and stomped on it.

This isn't like any type of break up I've dealt with, the one boyfriend before him who had cheated one me that didn't hurt nearly as bad as this and I don't understand why.

As the clock ticks it makes me feel like I'm trapped in time, I slowly sink onto the floor and stare at the clock. Being here, in this house all alone with nobody. My entire life just nobody...

It's beginning to feel not worth it anymore, whatever the fuck I'm fighting so hard to feel. So I feel it, I let it all sink right into my skin, my brain, my heart. I let myself feel all the pain, the small amount of happiness I'd ever felt which was mostly with Andy.

I've also learned that happiness has to have some heartache because without heartache we wouldn't know what happiness is.

I stay there for I'm not sure how long and just cry. The ache in my chest spreads through out my body feeling as if I'm paralyzed so I don't move.

******************

"Nikki?!" I hear a voice yell, I slowly open my eyes and see a pair of legs walk around the corner. "Nik-" I look up to see Billy staring at me in horror. "Oh my god NIKKI!" He screams and gets down on the floor beside me.

He grabs me and sits me up. "What is it? What's wrong? You need to go to the hospital?" Billy asks.

"He dumped me." I whisper.

Billy stares at me in surprise. "What? Damn didn't ya'll just work shit out?" He asks baffled.

"Lot has happened since I talked to you last." I admit.

He stares at me worriedly, now I know it's time to flip the switch.

So I do it I flip my switch I take a deep breath stand up and start the coffee pot, I've been able to flip my switch since I was a child. Now I feel nothing Billy hates me like this, but I've just never been good at handling or dealing with pain and disappointment.

I slide a cup of coffee over to Billy, he see's the blank expression in my features and my eyes then he gasps. "Oh hell no, no, no, no don't you dare fucking do that shit again Nikki!" He yells at me slamming his fist down on the counter.

"I haven't got a choice." I shrug. "Anyways, so I went to the club we got chased by a gang whom shot my car, then we all had to stay at Andy's to hide from the gang he pissed off evidently, Andy and I had sex. Then I got kidnapped, Andy got shot protecting me and saving me we got back to the house everyone left and then he dumped me because he doesn't want to be responsible for something happening to me." I explain and shrug. "So, how was your last couple weeks?" I ask.

He stares at me in horror as I sip my coffee. "You're going insane." He says worriedly.

I snort. "I'm not going insane."

I walk past him to the living room and begin cleaning it.

"Nikki you need to calm down." Billy says.

I laugh. "Okay I'm calm?" I ask in confusion.

"Flip the switch Nikki, it's okay to feel hurt." Billy says sternly. "Damn it Nikki do you remember what happened the last time you did this shit?!" He yells.

I sigh and roll my sleeves up to show him I didn't do anything to myself. "I'm not going to a psych unit."

I finish cleaning and then start heading back to the kitchen, but there's a knock on the door. I throw the door open and it's Andy.

I stare at him blankly. "What do you want?" I ask simply.

He stares at me in confusion. "Can we talk?" He asks.

"No." I shake my head. "We're past that so leave." I shrug.

Billy face palms then grabs me from the door and pushes Andy back out it walking out after him and shutting the door, I shrug and walk away.

There's noway in hell I'm flipping the switch back.