so in love with you // sirius black

chapter 42

  "Peter Pettigrew is alive." 

  "That's not possible Sirius, you blew him to pieces." My voice was shaking.

  "No. I didn't, I wanted to, but I didn't."

  "So you admit it?"

  "Yes I admit to wanting Peter dead, I still do, but I do not admit to betraying James and Lily. Or to betraying you." 

 "You are a wanted criminal," I emphasized each word. "You have no one to back you up and no proof." 

 "But I do," He said, pulling a blank sheet of parchment out of his pocket. The Marauders Map. "Just hear me out. Please, Maude." 

  "Fine." I'm not sure why I trusted him, but there was something in his voice, something sad, that made me want to listen.

I backed away from him, my wand not leaving its target, turned the lights on, and reapproached him.

  "I don't have a wand, you'll have to open the map yourself." He set the parchment on the desktop. 

  "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good," I said quietly, pressing the tip of my wand onto the paper.

 Ink spread across the parchment and soon it was a full-blown map of Hogwarts. The minute the map was visible Sirius started running his fingers across it as if searching for someone. 

  "Look," He said, pointing out a small dot moving along the hall outside the library. I looked to where he was pointing. The dot was moving quickly, but that wasn't the odd part. It was labeled as Peter Pettigrew. 

Holy shit. 

I lowered my wand.

   "You're telling me that no one has noticed a full-grown man walking around the castle a night?" I asked, watching the dot move across the map.

   "The map never lies," Sirius said.

  "I know," I took a deep breath. "You need to explain this all, from the beginning," I said, moving around the desk to sit behind it. 

Sirius nodded and began to talk.

•••

  "So you weren't the secret keeper?" I asked quietly, almost afraid to break the silence after Sirius's story. 

  "No."

  "And Peter is alive in the castle, living as a rat?"

  "Yes."  

My whole world had been flipped upside in the past twenty minutes. His story was the craziest thing I had heard for a long time. But for the first time in 12 years, my life felt like it made sense. His story made sense.

 "So you spent all that time in Azkaban for absolutely nothing," I whispered. Sirius nodded mutely. "I'm so sorry." I tentatively reached across the desk and took his hand in mine, giving it a firm squeeze. 

 "Maude you have nothing to apologize for." 

 "Yes I do, I doubted you, I believed you were guilty, and I'm so so sorry." I stared at our hands where they fit together. "How did you survive, how did you escape?" I asked, looking up at him. "And where did you get the map?" 

  "The dementors, they take every happy feeling away, the drive you insane, right?" I nodded. "But I knew that I was innocent, and that wasn't quite a happy feeling, but it was enough to keep me sane. As for the escape part, I used my Animagus form, it was harder for the dementors to notice me that way." 

  "Sirius?"

  "Mhm?"

  "Why now? Why did you wait all this time?" 

  "For a while, um I..." He paused. "I knew I wasn't the one that betrayed the Potters, but it still felt as though it had been my fault." His voice broke. "I thought I deserved it." He said the last part so quietly but with so much conviction. 

I felt silent tears fall down my face.

"Can I?" I held my arms out.

"Yeah," He nodded. 

I hugged him. 

  "I missed you," I whispered in his ear, he didn't respond, just pulled me closer to him. 

I breathed in deeply and was hit with a terrible stench. I laughed wetly.

  "What's so funny?" He asked, pulling away to look at me.

  "You smell horrible," I said, wiping away the tears falling down my face. 

  "Sorry," He said sheepishly.

"No, no don't apologize." I felt bad for laughing. "Just come upstairs, take a shower, I'll make some food."

"You don't have to," He said. "I understand if you need time."

"Please. Come upstairs."

•••

  The shower was running, and steam was practically pouring out of the bathroom. Sirius had been in the bathroom for almost an hour, but I couldn't bring myself to drag him out. Instead, I let him enjoy the warm water and cooked up a simple meal.

  "That was righteous," Sirius stepped out of the bathroom. He looked out of his element in the cable knit sweater and jeans that belonged to Remus. 

  "Why do you have Moon's clothes laying around?" He asked, sitting down at the kitchen table. "You guys aren't . . ."

  "No," I said quickly. "Not at all. He keeps a stash here in case he needs them after the full moon," I explained. 

  "Oh right," Sirius mumbled through a mouth full of food that I had just set in front of him. I sat down across from him and watched him eat.

  "If you don't slow down you're going to make yourself sick."

 Sirius ignored my comment and continued to shovel the food into his mouth. 

  "So you never told me how you got your hands on the map," I said when he finished his food. 

 "Well, I'm sure you heard that I was in the castle."

 "Mhm"

  "Well, I happened to run into Remus while I was in there. I told him everything, but I think he'd mostly figured it out already by seeing Peter on the map."

 "Why didn't Remus say anything to me?"

 "I wanted to tell you myself." He met my eyes.

 "Oh," I said quietly and we fell into an uncomfortable silence. 

I hated the awkwardness. I didn't know what to say, and even the way I sat felt wrong. My head ached from the overload of information, and my heart hurt from having Sirius so near. 

  "Um," I broke the silence. "You can stay here if you want. In fact, I insist."

 "No," he said firmly. "Not with everyone in the country looking for me. I won't put you at risk like that."

"Sirius."

"You know it's not smart."

 "Are you sure? Where will you go?"

  "Yes, I'll figure something out," He said, getting up from the table. "Thank you for the food, and tell Remus thanks for the clothes."

  "Of course. Bye." I paused, "And Sirius?"

  "Yeah?"

   "Don't do anything stupid. You'll regret it." He nodded and then he was gone. 

•••

  I lay awake that night, staring at the ceiling of my dark bedroom. There were too many thoughts swirling around in my head to fall asleep. After 12 years of pain and longing, I would have expected more peace than this. But I just felt frustration and confusion, and just as much hurt as before. 

How was I supposed to re-build any sort of relationship with Sirius after all of this?