LEILA {ongoing}

19.

+++ TW: Mention of sexual assault +++

I felt like I was 16 again.

Running away from my friends because I had a panic attack. It didn't exactly scream 'I trust you.'

More like 'get the fuck away from me.'

When I think about all the 'friends' I use to have, I don't get angry that they chose to put me in the too hard basket.

I wasn't just a girl that had random anxiety attacks. No. I was the traumatised girl. The girl that had severe nightmares. The girl that went to therapy two times a week and had to be home schooled for the rest of her high schooling.

It's a wonder Kelly and Stacey stuck around.

Why would anyone want to be around someone that reminded them that this world was fucked up.

A few friends that fell into my 'close friends' list visited a few times while I spent three months in hospital but when I didn't joke, laugh or even smile like I use to, the visits slowed down.

Once the court case started and the media attention grew, the rumours and hurtful words from those same people that slept over my house and celebrated birthdays with me hurt more than most of the surgeries I had.

No one wants to be the friend or associated with the damaged girl who was raped.

No, can't tarnish your reputation as the next ballerina or music sensation with being a friend with the girl who was the media's favourite face to print both truth and lies.

The first time someone said I lied about the attack, I laughed. Like a crazy person, I laughed and didn't even answer the reporter that insinuated it. I simply walked away.

The reports, surgeries and photos were enough to silence any positive media attention on my attackers.

Mum and dad did their best to protect me from unwelcomed comments from the media or people in our local area. They couldn't hide me from it all though.

I also know that they had to deal with a lot. People blaming them for what happened, questioning their ability as teachers and parents.

'If this is what happened to their daughter how could they be trusted with other people's children.'

So many stupid words written and spoken.

All of it absolute bullshit.

Fucked up things people say because they're behind a keyboard or because they believe they're better than you.

Both Kelly and Stacey's families were everything for us. They were there for my parents more than I probably know and I was always welcomed with open arms no matter my mood.

Both of those girls are my ride or die and when my parents mentioned that we might be moving the the US, I almost broke down.

I couldn't imagine my life without them. My sisters from different misters.

Flying out of Australia, I felt like I was leaving part of me behind.

With what just happened, my initial response is to call them straight away but it's 2am at home right now so I'll have to suck it up and calm myself down.

Driving home without noticing time or space mum is waiting for me on the front porch.

''Sweetheart, are you ok?'' She walks over and wraps her arms around me.

Her embrace comforts me immensely. My breathing starts to regulate as the seconds tick by, my heart beat lowers and the small shaking that wracks my body ceases. I'm still freezing though.