LOVE OR ARRANGED ?

CHAPTER III

ANANYA'S POV

Dear diary,

I don't really know how I reached home. I'm glad I was able to convince everyone that I reached home long ago and fell asleep. I feel guilty for lying to them, but I think it is better not to worry them unnecessarily. I know Sweety is definitely not going to stay quiet until I tell her everything. She has been my best friend for the last 20 years, since the first time we met each other. She knows everything about me and I'm pretty sure she caught me lying earlier. I don't want her to worry for something which can't be changed.

It hurts me so much to just remember what I saw in the chocolate room today. I still can't believe that Viraj lied to me about going out of station today and then was in front of my eyes holding another girl in the chocolate room. Why was he not able to tell me who she was when I asked him, if he wasn't hiding anything. And who is that girl clinging to him so desperately in the public. Is this what I deserve after being in a relationship with him for the past 5 years?

Yes, Viraj is the love of my life or should I say was. When he left for London to complete his MBA, I silently agreed to not inform about our relation to anyone as he requested. He wanted to prove himself worthy to our families before telling them about our relationship and convincing them for our marriage. I held unto this relationship though I had missed him so much the last 4 years but never questioned his decision to stay back for 2 more years even after he completed his MBA as he wanted to start a company with two other friends in London.

And only because he asked for some more time, I asked dad to give me two more years when he asked me what I think about marriage. Dad and Sweety have always been my best friends and my relationship with Viraj is the only thing I ever didn't share with them till now. I know dad wanted to talk about my marriage, now that the 2 years' time I asked for is over. This was the moment I have been waiting for the last four years. To tell him everything about Viraj and convince him for marriage. I know Dadi wouldn't be pleased to hear about another love marriage in the family after what happened to my bua, Sweety's mom, but I know dad is the only person who would be able to set everything right for me.

But today when Viraj took me outside the chocolate room and asked me to just leave him alone without making any nuisance, I was shocked to see him talking to me like that. At that moment, it felt like I don't even recognize him anymore. This is not my Vir who was always so patient and was always ready to bear my tantrums. Despite the difference in the time zones, he always made sure to be there for me, like I was there for him. We didn't get to see each other in the last four years as he was unable to come to India and I was busy proving my caliber to my dad and Popsy in the office, but the distance never mattered to us, as we always have put our best in supporting each other.

Now that he returned yesterday to India, I asked him if we could meet and talk to our families because I really don't think I can stay away from him. The girl who hated the topic of marriage five years ago, herself asked the person she loves if they can take the next step in their life. I was so excited to meet him after four years and wanted to see him at the airport and told him the same, but he informed that his parents and cousin are going to receive him. I understood that he would need some time with his family as they too would be missing him as much as I did. Also, it would be awkward if I go there without him telling his parents about us and hence, I agreed to not go see him at the airport.

Last night he told me that he would be going to Jaipur along with his family, to meet his grandparents and would return on Sunday and talk to his parents about us. But when I saw him in the chocolate room, nothing felt right, especially when I saw him holding some girl in the public. I still didn't doubt him and was so happy to see him, though my mind was telling me that he didn't go to Jaipur and didn't even let me know about it. But my stupid heart was saying maybe something important has come and he couldn't go.

I went to him and his expressions upon seeing me were not so pleasant. I thought he is worried because it might be his family member and so just talked like a friend from college. He told the other lady who looked at me confused, that he would see me off and asked her to stay for two minutes till he returns and kissed her on the forehead. I was not able to perceive what was happening but silently walked behind him and went outside the chocolate room. When we were out of sight of that lady, I was about to ask him how he was, and I wanted to see him properly for 2 minutes and let him know how much I missed him these four years. I wanted to talk to him so much, hug him and tell him to never go anywhere without me again in his life.

The moment he opened his mouth, my world seemed to fall apart. He didn't even let me talk a single word and the first thing he talked after four years in person was "what the actual fuck is wrong with you Ananya? Why would you just walk to me randomly and talk like that all of a sudden? Do you know how important the person inside is to me and what we were discussing? Why don't you understand the meaning of giving space to the other person? I have been seeing for the last 5 years. When I respect your privacy and space, why can't you do the same for God's sake?"

Shocked would be an understatement to what I'm feeling right now. I just want all this to be a dream and wake up to Viraj's loving call like I do every day. But the truth is standing in front of me raging in anger. I don't understand if I talked anything wrong there or me talking to him was the mistake in the firsthand. This is the first time he called me "Ananya" since we met each other. I was always his Pari till today. I wanted to go home and cry my heart out when I heard his angry voice for the first time in my life. I controlled my tears and calmly asked Viraj, "If she is so important in your life, what am I to you Vir? Am I not important too? What happened Vir? Who is that lady, why are you not in Jaipur and what did I do or talk that made you this angry?"

Never in my life, not even near my family members I was silent when someone shouts at me. I absolutely hate it when someone shouts at me. I would never tolerate it but here I'm talking to him calmly even after how he shouted at me. I just need my answers and I know if I shout back, it will only increase the argument, but little did I know that even if I stayed calm Viraj wasn't going to.

"Now do I need your permission to go to Jaipur or stay back Ananya? Why do you question me about everything? I just want you to stop this nuisance right away and leave me alone now," angrily said Viraj, running his fingers through his hair. I didn't know what to talk anymore. I silently turned and started walking towards the stairs. Somewhere, I had a little hope that he would either call me or run after me and hug me and calm me. But seems like today I was in for a lot of surprises or should I say shocks. When I turned back, to just get a look at him for one last time before leaving from there, he wasn't even there, he went inside already.

I went to a park near to the chocolate room and sat on a secluded bench under a tree and cried my heart out. Is this really the person who so lovingly woke me and wished me good luck for the meeting just today morning? I don't understand what I am feeling at this moment. Anger.. Angry at myself for letting a person become so important in my life. Hurt.. For letting his words affect me. Disappointed.. For not realizing how much I gave power to another person to hurt me so deeply. Even if Viraj just talked to me like a friend, I would have understood that he didn't want to talk at the moment. I didn't realize for how long I was crying before taking a cab to home and luckily nobody was there downstairs when I reached home.

He called me nuisance and said that I was questioning his decisions. I didn't utter a single word when he wanted to stay back in London. And he says I don't respect his space when all I did in the last four years was give him that so called damn space, to achieve his dreams. I can't all of a sudden talk all this to Sweety without telling her that I have loved Viraj deeply and have been in a relationship with him for the last five years without even giving her a slightest hint until now.

Dear diary, I've been writing every single moment of mine with Viraj, and you are the only thing that knows how much he meant to me. I shared everything about Viraj with you because I wanted to respect his request and never let anyone get a whiff about what I felt for him. Is this what I get for keeping things away from my dear ones? I'm hurt, angry, disappointed but most of all broken. It seems like a part of me has been broken to pieces and trashed like it is nothing. I'm unable to endure the pain I'm feeling right now. I really wish to talk all this with Sweety and cry in her protective embrace. I won't even mind if she slaps me in anger after I tell her everything, but I just can't bear to see disappointment in her eyes. Hope I find peace with myself for letting a person become very important in my life that he had the power to rule my heart and my emotions.