Despite Desire

Chapter 16: Ella

Theo nods at me, taking note of my presence.

I send him a genuine smile. I know my smile doesn't reach my eyes but last night was the sixth month after my fathers' death. I cried all night, muffling my cries in hope no one in the house heard me. I hope no one heard me. I was trying to be quiet, but the tears started coming. I could not stop after I started.

"Are you okay?" a deep voice says, I could listen to the voice talk nonsense for hours, but the voice belongs to Theo. I still have the feeling Theo does not like me and for some reason, I care about him taking an interest in me. I have never cared as much as I have about someone liking me, I had an old therapist tell me I have RSD (rejection sensitivity dysphoria) and it is common in people with ADHD.

I do not want to be mean but what he said yesterday hurt, "Why do you care?"

"I-" he starts speaking but I cut him off.

"I am just the girl you pity because her" I start saying confidently but then my voice gets shaky, "father died."

"I am sorry about yesterday, I didn't mean it like that," Theo says.

My father, I miss him so much. I wonder if he was reincarnated or if heaven is a real place. I hope wherever he is he is happy.

Tears start rolling down my cheek, I grab my bag and walk out the class.

"Miss Lovell you can't-" the teacher starts but Theo cuts her off.

"Let her go," he says, something in his voice sounds like he is in... pain? Why would he be in pain? I hope I didn't hurt him with my words.

I swiftly walk to the bathroom and lock myself in a cubical. I put the toilet seat down with a piece of toilet paper before I sit on the toilet sit. I try to stop my tears, but it seems to make it worst.

My cries get worst. My eyes blink faster and my lip quivers.

"Da-dad," I whisper through my cries, "I- I re-r-real-really," my cries cut me off from speaking.

I move my hands to go over my face. I wonder if my dad is looking after me, mom and my sibling. I wonder if where he is, he is happy.

I miss him so much. I wish I could play one more squash game with him. I wished I had more time with him.

My tears flow down faster. I close my eyes.

I want to see his smile one more time. To have more time for him to see me achieve the dreams we talked about.

I lose my breathe while crying. I put my hand over my mouth to muffle my cries.

Losing someone I loved, was never part of the plan. He was supposed to be with me when I achieve my dreams, I go to college, when I get my own house. He was supposed to meet my future husband, approve of my boyfriend. He was supposed to be here when I win squash tournaments but now I can't even handle looking at anything that reminds me of him.

Dad, you were supposed to be with me. You weren't supposed to leave, it was never the plan.

Why does losing someone hurt so much. Why does it feel like my heart was ripped open and there is a space just for them- an empty space for him.

I move my right hand to be over my left hand.

I really miss you, Dad.

No one ever prepared me for losing you, Dad.

I guess grief hits harder than anything else, than any emotion, than any squash ball or racket. GREIF HITS HARDER THAN ANYTHING.