Despite Desire

Chapter 20: Ella

Lucas had brought some of the boxes which were stored in the garage. Mom said, 'We can take our time to unpack them.'

The box I am unpacking now, has to do with some books I put together.

I take out a blue A5 journal. I lick my lips; it is the journal my father would write to me when I was sad or needed a pick me up. He understood my ADHD and how my emotions are two times, or I feel nothing. He was always there supporting me and so did my mom.

A warm liquid flows down my cheeks.

"I miss your inspirational words," I gentle rub my right index finger over the journal's embroidery of a wolf. The wolf has a gold outline, the shine from the gold always catches my attention.

I place the journal on my table, standing upright to face me whenever I am at my desk. A reminder of how my parents believe in me despite what the doctors would tell my parents when I was young, they wanted me to go to a remedial school and said I would never survive in the school I was in. My parents didn't listen to them and choose to keep sending me to a non-remedial school.

I take out a picture frame, the picture is with everyone- mom is wearing a red dress, dad is wearing a black suit with a red tie to match mom. They both have beaming smiles on their face. Lucas is wearing a dark blue suit, and the tie makes his eyes stand out. Dylan and I are matching with using pastel blue. Danny is using a black suit like father is but he doesn't have a tie on. I remember that day, Danny refused to use any tie, he said, 'I want to be able to breathe and have a suffocating feeling in my neck.'

This photo was for Danny's 10th birthday. I remember dad has insisted we have a dinner for just the family. He took us to Danny's favourite restaurant and Danny could not stop smiling for the whole night. I think, he even feel asleep with the smile on his face.

"Hey, can I borrow your charger?" Danny voice speaks after three knocks at the door. I place the photo down and look at me.

I look up at him, his phone is in his hand.

"Sure, I have it at my side table," I turn to point at the side table furthest away from the door and closets to the window, "Do you want to charge it in my room?"

"Yes please, can you call me after it is charged?" he walks into my room and ignores the frame I put down. He gets to the side table and bends down to pick up the charger. He inserts the charger into his phone and places it down on the side table.

"Please remember to call me," he says, looking a little stressed.

"Are you worried your girlfriend will be mad," I try to ease his stress a little.

He gives me a look of are-you-being-serious-right-now. I laugh at his reaction.

"I see no use for a relationship," he murmurs under his breath as he leaves. He is young, everyone when they are young thinks that at one point in their life.

"Everyone says that before..." I raise my voice for him to hear me. He bangs my door shut cutting me off.

I smile at his reaction. If siblings don't annoy you then are you really siblings?

I look back at the photo. We were all happy and our smiles weren't forced. I feel a distance from my siblings. I wonder if they feel it too.

I take out another book from the box, it is my old sketch book.

I remember mom would convince dad to let us go to the river. Dad would take the boys out on the boat to fish. Mom would be reading a book and I would sit in her presence while I would sketch what every came to mind. It was the laughs mom and I had then, made me feel close to her. Everyone would help in the kitchen, and we would always end up laughing, dinner was always delayed.

I wonder if the picture we had recently taken is in the box from us having fun at the house by the river. We would always go for the April and December holidays.