Chapter 22
I knew he was behind me. I knew that he just wanted to reach out to me and let me grab myself together but he didn't do it. He didn't do anything. I was searching through the drawers, trying to search every note that was left from them.
"Here are some. Here too" I said gathering them together. My voice came out strong but I was anything but strong. Tears were streaming down my face and I let them fall shamelessly. I went over to the drawer beneath my tv. I let myself fall onto my knees and try to throw everything out of the drawer. I knew that I had put some of them too. Suddenly I felt someone putting their arms around my waist.
"Baby don't do this please.." I heard him whisper in my ear. I ignored it and still tried to find some other notes. He pulled me back so my back was flushed against his chest. His scent hit me and I took a needy breath. It was like when you are almost and you crawl up to the surface and that first breath you take makes you feel dead yet alive. I started sobbing and I felt my legs shake. Kamal turned me around so that I was facing him. He looked strong. His eyes held power, strength. My fingers started to move, upwards to his cheek. The back of my fingers slowly carressed his cheek. He closed his eyes for a second before he opened them.
"Manar, please.. Tell me. Tell me what these things are you are searching for" he said calmly. I looked away. I couldn't tell him. I was not ready to tell him, or anyone. I already told a lot of people about it. I couldn't put myself through that again.
"I can't.." I whispered looking up at him with hopefull eyes. I needed him to realize that it was not easy. His arms left my waist and he put my face in his hands.
"You have to know that you can tell me anything. I won't judge you. I won't turn my back to you. I won't leave you alone. Manar, even though we got married with the worse circumstances, I am here for you and I will be forever. Please get this through your pretty head" he said. I looked in his eyes for a second before I went over and grabbed the little notes. They all had colours. Different colours.
"He used red when he was writing something about kiling me. Killing Karim" I said, letting out a sob when I said the last part. I didn't dare to read them so I grabbed the red ones and gave them to Kamal. He started reading them immediately and I looked away, not wanting to see his reaction. Even though he said that he was there for me, I was prepared for him leaving me. Its what they all did. I gathered the white ones together.
"White was for promisses. When he promised he would- he would take Karim from me" I said, shoving them into Kamal's hands. He took a hold of it and I went over to another colour.
"Brown was for threats. He was going to end me. He was going to take his revenge and make my life miserable. As if it wasn't miserable already" I said letting out a humourless laugh at the end. I gave them to Kamal too and let him take his time to read them. He only read a few of the red ones before he went over to white, which he read only one of. When he had read a few from the brown ones, he looked up at me.
"This guy's fu-" I raised my hand to stop him. I didn't like that word. Ever since that night I started hating that swear word. I never liked it before but after that night, I got more disgusted with it.
"Don't.. Please" I said raising both my hands. I crawled back. Suddenly everything turned dark. The chairs turned into a garage. The sofa into a door. I heard the sound of the waterdrops falling down from where our roof that was a little broken that caused it to leak a little. His speed, his voice that caught me off guard. The endless pain. Scared. I heard myself begging but I couldn't take out what I was saying. He was slowly crawling over to me, smirking like always. His green eyes were boring into mine, making me hate the colour green even more.
"Don't do it.. Please, don't.." were the only two sentences I could remember from that night. I was still screaming, begging but I was not aware of what I was saying. My ears only heard the voices from around. How there was no one that could've helped. How there was nothing that could've stopped him. I felt myself weaken and I let my arms fall. My body felt numb and I felt that I crashed into a body. Weird enough wasn't this scary. It wasn't how I thought it was going to feel. I leaned more into the body, wanting myself to bury in it permanently. I felt safe, for once. Safe, instead of feeling my body burn when he touched me. Slowly by slowly I felt arms around me. It was like they were there for a long time already. Out of nowhere I heard his voice. Vulnerable. Miserable. Weak. Every bad emotion that you never wanted to feel was heard from his voice. I opened my eyes and the light hit me immediately. I looked up and saw him looking at me with those emotions in his eyes. He squeezed my cheek and put his forehead against mine.
"Never.. Never will I ever let you go through that again. Never.."
ŞİMDİ OKUDUĞUN
SERENDIPITY (Islamic Story)
Spiritüel[Previously known as 'Have you'] Have you ever felt so alone? Have you ever felt like they stabbed you in your back? Have you ever thought you were going to be a victim of rape? Have you ever felt like you can't even trust family? Have you...
