Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Before

Four Years Earlier - 2018

"Goodbye, Sam Thomas Foster,"
"Goodbye, Michael October Valley,"

Sam, my best friend of thirteen years, turns away from me, his expression downcast, his hands deep in the pockets of his favourite navy blue hoodie. His soft blond hair rustles as a cold breeze sweeps between us. I can feel tears brimming in my eyes. I want to blame Sam for what just happened but I can't. I blame myself. I watch as he leaves me alone outside our houses and slams the door of his place. Shaking, I turn to my house, feeling lost. 

I've just lost the only friend I've ever had, the only person who truly likes my personality and the way I dress and who I am. He's the only one who doesn't judge me. People used to stare at us when they saw us together and whisper about how the normal boy in the normal clothes with the normal voice and the normal interests was friends with the weird boy who liked to dress feminine and who spoke in a funny way and who had different interests to all the other boys. We were an odd pair but we're okay with that. At least, I am. It seems Sam has a huge problem with it.

Mum and Dad are sitting at the kitchen table when I enter the house. Their faces look grave and serious. I feel my anxiety spike in the pit of my stomach. Mum looks like she's been crying and Dad looks like he wants to punch me. Dread fills my stomcah. I think they know. I slowly walk past them, maybe they'll ignore me and I can get safely to my bedroom where no one can tell me that I'm disgusting and evil and wrong and gross and weird. My plan seems to be succeeding because I make it to the foot of the wooden stairs. Then my father's voice calls out,
    "Michael, can you come here," It isn't a question. It's a command. I gulp and turn on my heel, taking as much time as I can to get back to the kitchen. Both of them are staring at me like I'm a stranger. I hate it.

    "Mikey, darling," Mum takes my hand in hers, "Lacey Smith's mum emailed all the parents in your class with some news about you. Something you said at the party," She doesn't smile. My heart is beating so fast I swear it's going to burst from my chest. When I say nothing, Mum continues, "Michael, Lacey's mum says that you told everyone that you want to kiss a boy? That you're... that you're..."
    "Gay?" I supply helpfully, trying to smile so I can mask my fear and sadness. Mum sucks in a sharp breath and Dad's hand tenses around his glass of water. After a moment Mum slowly nods,
    "Yes. Gay," She pauses, "You didn't say that did you? You're not-"
    "I am. I'm gay. I like boys. There's really no point in lying about it. There's nothing wrong with it. Nothing wrong with me,"

My eyes dart between my parents, searching for a reaction. A single tear slides down Mum's cheek and I feel my heart break. Dad quickly stands up and holds his hand out towards me. I raise my eyebrows, confused.
    "Phone. Now," He spits. I'm about to argue back but the angry fire in his eyes is terrifying so I just hand it over helplessly, feeling a knot of sadness in my stomach, "Michael, go upstairs and bring me all of your devices. Right now," Dad points towards the stairs,
    "But-"
    "Just fucking do it Michael!" He yells, sending a jolt of fear down my spine. I nod stiffly and hurry upstairs to grab my laptop and art tablet.

When I get back downstairs, Mum isn't at the table anymore and Dad has a huge glass of wine in front of him. He looks up when I enter the room. I hand him my belongings,
    "I hate to do this to you, son, but your behaviour and choices are not okay," Dad says tiredly. What is he talking about? What choices?
    "Dad, I-"
    "No, Michael, I don't want to hear it. Listen here, boy. Tomorrow you're going to become normal. Your mother and I are going to clear out your room of all of the things that might make you gay and then you and I are going to go shopping for boy clothes okay?" Dad gives me a stern glare as I nod slowly, tears in my eyes. Dad lets out a long, tired sigh, "Good. Now go upstairs, I don't want to look at you anymore," He waves me off. I run up the stairs and shut myself away in my bedroom.

I look around. My room is one huge expression of me. If you were to turn Michael October Valley into a room, it would be this one. The walls are a soft blue colour but you can barely see them due to the extensive music posters featuring Glaive, Ericdoa and Broadway Musicals that are plastered all over. My carpet is soft and light grey but it has a few colourful stains here and there from my many art projects that have been completed on my bedroom floor. Some of those art projects in fact are scattered across the tops of my four overflowing bookshelves; paintings, sculptures, sketches and other assorted pieces.

The floor is relatively clean, the only mess being my stacks of art supplies in the corner next to my bed and the pile of clothes that I'm yet to put away. My bed has bright purple blankets and pillows and a lot of mismatched throw pillows, all with different colours and designs. A large desk sits next to the wardrobe, it's the only really clean thing in the room. My desk is where I do everything, drawing, homework, playing video games.I sigh and move over to my wardrobe. I open the doors and start digging around for a pair of pyjamas. A small smile plays on my lips as my eyes fall on my small pride flag hanging there. I bite back a laugh at my own genius. Ironic, a pride flag in a closet. I always thought I'd take it out of the closet and hang it on my wall after I came out. Clearly that isn't going to happen. Feeling low, I get changed and brush my teeth before climbing into bed.

I gaze wistfully out of the window beside the bed, wondering what the hell I did to deserve all of this. Next door, in the room opposite mine, I see Sam lying on his bed, a phone up to his ear as he talks animatedly. I can't pry my eyes away from him. Surely he wasn't serious? He's not really going to let my sexuality ruin our friendship, right? Sam suddenly looks up and we make eye contact. He frowns. Then he stands up and pulls his curtains closed. I choke back a sob.

I've lost everyone.
Why can't I just be normal?