Summer Nights

60: 'Will I ever be good enough?..'

TW- This chapter heavily features eating disorder content and thoughts, please do not read if you are in recovery or struggling, you are so beautiful in so many ways, you are more than your weight or the food you consume, you are magic <3

I grimace as I look at my reflection in the mirror, the skin around my stomach was beginning to sag, the stretch marks around my thighs and hips were painfully obvious.

I know I should be grateful for these changes to my body because it was the battle wounds that prove I've brought someone so perfect into the world.

But I couldn't be grateful, I despised every inch of my body.

A small cry escapes my lips as I collapse onto my bed, I was beyond exhausted, I've been running of two hours sleep for the past week and the thought of a potential eating disorder relapse was enough to send my emotions into overdrive.

Rocky has took Violet out for a walk in her stroller for a couple of hours, so that I had some time to shower, eat and hopefully get a nap in. But I didn't have the energy to do any of this, I barely had the energy to breathe.

My mind just felt so conflicted because I've never felt more loved or happier but at the same time I feel as if a piece of me is missing, maybe not missing exactly but hollow.

I curse under my breath before I kneel down under my bed, I reach out and grab a wicker basket that I've refused to touch for the past nine months. I swallow harshly as the tub of diet pills and laxatives stare at me tauntingly.

My milk was refusing to produce, so it wasn't as if I was breast-feeding, if I took these tablets Violet wouldn't be at any harm.

Rocky would find me more attractive.

I would feel comfortable in my own skin.

It would just be a one off, I don't have to spiral, I have it all under-control this time, I wouldn't allow myself to fall into bad habits.

I squeeze my eyes shut before, I pour a cocktail mixture of diet and laxative pills into my hand, a small shriek escapes from my lips when I hear my bedroom door burst open, hot tears burn the corner of my eyes as the pills spill from hands.

'...Scarlett?'

My cheeks burn brightly as I tuck my hair behind my hears, I turn my head to see Rocky standing there with Violet strapped securely to his chest in her pastel pink baby carrier.

'Hi angel, how was your walk?'

His expression hardens, 'What's on the floor?'

'J-Just some tablets.' I murmur meekly as I quickly scramble, to tidy them up before a large tattooed hand stops me.

'What tablets?'

'I don't want to talk about this right now.'

'Just answer the question and we can carry on with this conversation later.'

'Please.'

'Scarlett.'

I shake my head as I stand up as anxiety and embarrassment begins to prickle my skin, 'I-I want to talk about this later...and you need to respect my wishes.'

'Fine.' He mutters before sitting down on the edge of the bed, he stares at me intently as I shove the pills back into the basket, his large foot blocks me from putting it back under the bed.

'Can you move your foot please?'

'No.'

'Please!'

'I can't do that.'