Summer Nights

64: 'Therapy session...'

My knee bounces up and down as I stare at Claudia's facial features, I've been infrequently visiting her for the past few years. I know that my sessions should be regular but my entire body feels so utterly drained after speaking about my feelings.

'I haven't seen you for a while Scarlett, how are things?'

I shrug, 'They're okay I guess. I have a daughter now...she's called Violet.'

She blinks briefly before a bright grin takes over her face, 'Congratulations sweetheart, how wonderful! It seems that you have a lot to catch me up on.'

I nod slowly, 'I know. I'm sorry I haven't booked in any sessions for the past few months.'

'You don't need to apologise, it can be hard to continue our healing journey sometimes and that's completely okay.'

My bottom lip wobbles slightly at her kindness, 'Please don't be so nice to me, I feel as if I don't deserve it.'

'Scarlett you are such an incredibly warm and loving person, of course you deserve someone being nice to you.'

'I'm a horrible mother.' I whimper as hot tears begin to roll down my cheeks.

'I'm sure you aren't at all, how about we explore these feelings? a lot of new mothers feel like they're out of their depth, being a parent is extremely difficult at times.'

'I-I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I feel like I had so many doors open, I was valedictorian. I graduated at the top of my class, I excelled and now I feel like my doors are slowly shutting.'

'How come you feel this way? Are you currently studying at the moment?'

'I'm supposed to be, I'm on a probation with Julliard but I'm not entirely sure that I want to pursue drama anymore.'

Claudia nods slowly, 'You've been coming to me since you where fourteen years old and drama was always a consistent value of your life. Do you feel as if maybe your interests have shifted since having your daughter?' 

'Kind of. I still enjoy drawing, I've been designing different mural idea's for her bedroom. At the moment I'm toying with the idea of making it under the sea themed.'

'Sounds like a wonderful theme, I've always enjoyed your artwork. I'm not sure if you noticed but the thank you canvas you made for me after your first year of therapy is proudly sitting on one of my waiting room calls.'

My cheeks burn brightly as a small smile etches onto my lips, 'I-I did see that.'

'What is it about drama? How come you are reluctant to pursue it?'

I let out a shaky breath, 'B-Because I'm...I'm not sure if it's even my dream. For as long as I can remember I've been acting to be closer to my mom and I enjoyed it! I loved getting involved with different people and pretending to be someone else. But...realistically I think it triggers my mental health too much.'

'I can understand that, you have mentioned previously that being on stage can trigger disordered eating thoughts.'

'Everyone's eyes are on you constantly and I feel like they can see every inch of my body. Not to mention that directors can make comments that send me into a downward spiral.'

'I think it's brilliant that you can now identify that this can be a trigger for you because in the past, you were reluctant to admit anything was a trigger.'

I chew down on my bottom lip, 'Eating disorders can be hereditary or they can be brought on by environmental factors, if Violet ever saw me consumed by them type of thoughts and mirrored them I would be absolutely heartbroken. So I know that I need to recover properly, not just for me but for my family.'