Summer Nights

61: 'The letter...'

TW!!!! This chapter focuses heavily on postpartum depression, some people may find parts of this chapter disturbing but I wanted to highlight how painful mental illness can be. If you are suffering with this right now, I do urge you to get help there is nothing to be ashamed of, you cant control your mental health. People may not agree with Scarlett's mother in this chapter but I do want to remind you, this is the raw side of mental health and not the glamourized version we often see in media.

I tiredly look across at my room, my entire body was aching I've been running on three hours sleep for the past few days and I was struggling to function. I glance at Violet who is sleeping soundly in her Moses basket.  

My heart aches wildly just looking at her, she's so unbelievably perfect.

I don't deserve her.

And she deserves a better mother.

Not one who was sticking her fingers down her throat, the second that her father left for work this morning.

If Rocky ever found out he would be so disappointed.

He also deserves better.

I slowly lift myself up from my bed, I reach down wincing as I do so and pick up some of Violet's clothes that need to go into the wash. I lazily place them on my dressing table. My heart stops when I look at a pale pink envelope sitting there, starting at me tauntingly, knowing that I will never have the courage to open.

I nibble down on my bottom lip before I gingerly pick it up, I return to my usual spot in my bed before opening in it.

I know I'm not in the mental space to read this. 

I'm a fucking mess.

But I yearned to feel love, I yearned to feel the love of my mother. It was something that I've never known, I was only a toddler when she passed away

My shake heads soak in her handwriting, my eyes turn glossy when I realise it mirror's mine exactly, we write in the same way. I know it isn't much but for someone who barely has anything, this meant everything.

My dearest Scarlett, 

If you are reading this letter than I've lost my battle to mental health. I'm so sorry baby, I want you to know how hard I fought. I did everything I could but the voices just couldn't escape me. 

Me leaving you was probably for the best anyway, I've done horrible things since you've been born. And if you father ever tells you, what I did to you. I want you to know how sorry I am. I know it was wrong.

I suppose that's why I'm writing you this letter to explain why I did it and if he hasn't told you, then I'm glad that you are hearing this from me.

Scarlett, the first time I knew something was wrong was when I left you in the bath, I left you there. All alone.

I knew the implications of my actions but I didn't care.

I wanted your crying gone.

I wanted you gone just for that moment.

And if you father hadn't of saved you, you would have.

But I don't mean that despite everything I do love and most likely I do forgive you.

Bile burns the back of my throat as I throw the letter onto the floor as if it burnt me, I don't think I've ever felt this nauseous and broken in my entire life.

I pull my knees to my chest.

It was my fault.

I knew that it was my fault but all of this just confirms it.