The Transference

C21

The view is nice from up here. When I was younger and I would do something stupid and reckless, I always gave myself a time out because deep down I knew what I did and why I did it. I would climb up the tree in our backyard and hide there. Dad found me once and tried talking me into building a treehouse but I didn't want a treehouse. I wanted to be free, so kept climbing and never fell.

Ray's house is old, surrounded by trees, my type of environment but they are all dried except the Willow tree. I climb up the tree farther away from the house because I don't want to be found. I want to be alone at moment because everything is just a lot to process.

Jessica is my one true friend and I think I just ruined our friendship. My anger towards her is justified because she hurt me by sleeping with her boyfriend on my bed. She had no right and I won't be letting go of that anytime soon. But she didn't try to apologize after that. I know I said I didn't want to see her but it was as if she was fine with not talking to me. She sat with Alyssa. She didn't check up on me after I got stabbed. I can't stop thinking about that. And about the ghost stuff. It was spell that started all this, I didn't ask for her help. I never wanted it. I was doing find on my own and now she's pinning everything on me like it's my fault. I can say her intentions were pure and done out of love because she's never done anything to make me  doubt her but she shouldn't have messed with my head. She should have just told me what the spell was. I should have known what kind of spell she made me say.

I never should have attacked her like that. I never meant for any of that to happen. I was acting on impulse and stress. I couldn't stop myself. I should have just asked but the last memory I had of her before this day was her trying to kill me. I know it wasn't really her but she was present and I don't think I can ever erase the look on her face when she saying the death spell.

I know what Jessica did for me. She has sacrificed so many for me. She even came looking for me and how did I react? I behaved like an ingrate. She might never forgive for what I did and I might never forget what she did. So we're square. I can't afford to lose her because she is true to me. And I know what will happen to me if I lose her.

Everything is just happening too fast. Maybe I shouldn't have left the island. I wouldn't have if it was up to me because I actually had fun on the island. I trained everyday. I connect with the environment and nature. I did all that and Damian was with me all the way.

This is me thinking back to my behavior for the past days. I acted out of anger and jealousy. I was mad at Damian for rejecting me, I still am but I shouldn't be angry at him. He owns his feelings and if he doesn't feel the same way as me, I have no right to punish him for it.

I'm mad at world. I'm mad at my birth parents because they pretty much abandoned here. I mean, I saw how they both fought for me before and after I was born, but it's like that feeling just disappeared and they don't care about me again. I pretend not to give a fuck when truly I do. I pretend to understand that my mom is still stuck in the past and my dad is finding himself after what he went through, but what about me?

It's hurt so damn much to know that there are people in your life that prefers to be absent from it.

And then there's the person after me. And Roman. Fuck! This is more messed up than I thought. What am I going to do when I find Roman's body? First, I'm going to say a proper goodbye. Second, I'll give him a witch burial. I think that's probably why I'm still seeing him. He hasn't been given a proper wizard burial.

After that, then what?

"Try screaming." I flinch at the sound of the unwanted voice. Closing my eyes, I groan and face down before opening my eyes to see Damian. "You might feel better."