Unwanted Mates

Chapter 14: "No arguing this time, we all must be very tired"

Hannah POV

How should I describe my feelings toward Mikkeli? I wonder if there are even appropriate words to describe that. I'm so lost; I have no idea how I feel about him. 

 After our "make-out session" in the kitchen, I could feel his gaze on me all the time. I don't intend to lie; it felt terrific to be in his arms; even though I keep repeating that the bond doesn't affect me, I know deep down inside that's not true. I had sex, I had a boyfriend before, I know how it feels to be held, kissed, touched, and I know that I have never felt as amazing as the first time with Mikkeli.

But then came the second time with Mikkeli, and to add worse to that, it had to happen precisely after I found him lying on top of Connie. The moment I saw them, I felt an intense ache in my chest, and I felt stupid; I felt so God damn stupid. How could I be stupid enough to think that him touching me in a certain way means something to him, that it's not just fucking lust caused by this dammed mate bond! And it hurts; it hurts to see him with another woman; it hurts to hear his sharp words, missing Byron hurts too, and I do miss him. After all, in this crazy love triangle, the wolf is the only one honest with his intentions. I am his mate; he wants me and Mikkeli and I...

I knew I shouldn't have challenged him, I knew I should've just shut up and don't provoke him, but I was also pissed off. I wanted to prove to him that I was not scared of him and that Connie's legs around him didn't bother me. When he forced kissed me, I was still angrier than afraid; I didn't feel threatened, only humiliated. Humiliated by the fact that in his eyes, I'm nothing more than a plaything, a toy he will just toss away when he finishes playing with it.

But when he was lying on top of me, for a brief moment, I thought it would be better to be dead. It was different than what happened with Andrew. With Andrew, all I could recall was disgust; all the bruises he gave me were physical, they hurt like bitch, but after some time, they disappeared. He didn't matter, he was not important enough to be remembered, and one day I will forget about him and his hands on me.

With Mikkeli, it was as if he dug his claws right into my heart. I didn't feel disgusted, I wasn't in any physical pain, and Mikkeli was extremely careful with handling me. He didn't hit me, he didn't give me any bruises, and I had no urge to throw up, but emotionally it was heartbreaking, I couldn't stop crying. Sadness was the only emotion I could feel at that moment. I was sad that he was the one who was hurting me, that he was seeking pleasure in my pain, that the scars he was going to give me would stay there forever, no matter how much I wished to forget about them.

And suddenly that was it; suddenly he stopped, he let me go, he was whispering: I'm sorry.

When Tony held him against the wall, I could see his eyes; they were so regretful. I could tell that he was ashamed, that he hated himself so much, and as stupid as it may sound, I felt that moment the need to comfort him, a need to hold him and calm him down.

Everybody could see how frightened I was, but the truth is told, I wasn't frightened of Mikkeli. I was frightened of the fact that something between us was broken, and I'm frightened that maybe it will never be mended back again.

Now, Mikkeli tries to keep his distance, but the truth be told, he's not very good at it. He hasn't got close to me, within 2 meters' reach, but still, I know he's looking at me all the time. In the morning, I see him behind my window, sometimes in his human form, sometimes in his wolf form. I can hear his footsteps passing my bedroom door every night. Hayden knows Mikkeli is close, so he's almost all the time with the kids and me; the same goes for Tony, who is almost all the time with Mikkeli.

I also started drinking a small amount of wolfsbane every morning, per Rose and Jake's suggestion; according to them, it would make it impossible for Mikkeli's wolf to mark me if we ever get close enough to each other.