Broken

Chapter 30

Makenna had played that conversation in her head for over a month before she finally had to push herself. Even if she didn't want to do it, she knew she had to do it, for Rachel.

That had been her mantra from that moment and every second of every day from when she pushed off her bed; pushed the cover off of her and reached for her laptop. Then she'd reapplied to UW Tacoma, and got out of bed every day after that. Right up to when she got ready to go to university the next session and felt she was close to giving up throughout her first year. The use of the mantra had reduced drastically ever since, especially after she started her self-defence class.

There were days when memories of that night broke through her defences and took her back to being at the hospital hearing the news about Rachel. At those moments, she felt her weakest and the choking pain in her chest almost brought her to her knees as it passed through her entire body like a wave of current. It rendered her useless and that scared her to her bones.

It was like having the conscience of righting a wrong but then when the moment to do so came along, you become incapable of doing anything except the exact same thing you did before. Like rewatching a horrible scene when all you want to do is turn your head and look away but you just can't move your head and you end up reliving every single thing.

Makenna took a deep breath. Just thinking about thinking about it was making her tremble. She lifted her hands in front of her, palms facing down and watched as they shook so much she had to take a few deep breaths in and out. She closed her eyes as her hands fell onto her lap. She concentrated on the sound of the beach waves.

Little angels.
She repeated a few times in her head as she took deep breaths and cleared her head.

In. Out.

In. Out.

Makenna's eyelids slowly lifted open by the third breath. She felt the growing storm settle uncomfortably at the pit of her stomach which, she told herself, was better.

She reached for her AirPods and took them out of the case before plugging them into her ears. Then she reached for the book she'd brought along which was a book by Ryan Geever, Good people die.

Didn't she know that?

She opened the book to where she'd had it bookmarked and then picked up from where she left off with one of her playlists playing in her head with the volume turned down just enough so she could concentrate on the book rather than on the music. And that's how the time went.

Atlas wondered where the time had gone as he scrambled to put away his books and close his laptop with his phone between his ear and his shoulder.

"Did you forget?" Thea asked him over the phone,

"No, I just lost track of time."

"You know what, just stay there, I'm almost at your place." Thea said, "We can just stay in and order something."

Atlas stopped everything he was doing,
"That's perfect."

"Good. I'll be there in a few minutes." Thea said, "And order something before I get there, I'm famished."

"Alright."

Half an hour later, after having dinner and clearing the table, Atlas and Thea sat on the couch in Atlas' apartment having a conversation.

"That's the same Will you went to the party with the other night."

"That's him."

"Well, I'm glad you found a friend, I wouldn't have to worry about you so much anymore."

"You don't need to worry about me at all. I'm the older one, I'm the one who needs to worry."

"After what you went through, I can't help it."

Thea looked right at Atlas and Atlas sighed softly keeping his gaze on her before he dropped his gaze.

"Which you still haven't told me about."

"I'm sparing you the horrid details."

"I would still like to know," Thea said, "If...you want to tell me."

Atlas was silent as he tried to go over in his head what telling his sister about what happened would be like. He knew she was better off not knowing how scared he'd been in the car when he'd gained consciousness for a moment inside the wreck and in his excruciating pain turned to check on Emily and panicked when she wasn't responding to him. Or waking up at the hospital to find out that she was gone. Or that not only did their father blame him but he blamed himself as well.

Atlas lifted his gaze to Thea and Thea smiled softly at him.

"You also don't have to say anything." Thea said, "When you're ready, I'll be here."

The corner of Atlas' mouth quirked in an attempt at a smile which Thea noticed along with the fact that she hadn't seen him really smile since she'd seen him. There was a part of her that was scared that the accident had changed her brother and he'd not only lost Emily but probably a piece of himself, maybe more than either of them thought.

She wanted her brother back. The one who smiled so big without a care in the world. The one who rose above everything they'd gone through in their childhood. The one who never let the bad get to him and ruin his day.

Maybe he was still there because she hadn't failed to notice he was trying to get her to find fault with Killian. That being the one thing that hadn't changed about him, wanting to always protect her, was the reason she hadn't called him out on it. It was nice seeing that even though a lot had changed, that hadn't.

Atlas couldn't help but wonder what Thea was thinking about as she looked at him. He didn't want her worrying about him, he was doing that enough for the both of them and he would get through it. He always did.

But he'd never had to deal with guilt before, he reminded himself. That was new territory for him and he was trying to navigate that.

"Ice cream?"

Thea perked at that.
"You've had ice cream since I got here and you haven't mentioned it?" Thea got up to go to the kitchen, "How did I miss it?"

"Because I hid it at the back." Atlas got up and followed her, "You would have spoiled your dinner."

And just like that, they were back to normal.