umbrella { sunjay }

9.

song recommendation: waiting room -phoebe bridgers

"have you thought of any names?" eunji looked over to her boyfriend with an excited gleam in her eyes. she was only three months pregnant and barely showing but it was fun to think about things like this. 

"hmm..." sunoo leaned his head back in thought. "naming is a hard thing to do. it'll be stuck with the little bean for the rest of their life." the couple didn't know the gender of their baby yet so that also made it a little more complicated.

"who's personality do you think it will have?" eunji looked down at her tiny bump and placed her warm hand onto it gently.

"hopefully yours." sunoo replied deep in thought as he stared at the hand placed onto their unborn child. 

he didn't want the child to have his personality. he belied he was selfish. he couldn't even admit to himself; or anyone, who he truly was.

he was a liar. every kiss, every cuddle, every "i love you", it was all a lie. well, to an extent. for sunoo, he loved eunji from the bottom of his heart. she was everything anyone could ever ask for. but, he wasn't in love with her.

he didn't want their baby to have those traits. he wanted them to be kind and selfless, just like eunji. he wanted them to have nothing of his. 

his guilt eats him from the inside out everyday of his life. he wishes he didn't accept the random girl's confession just to ease his own struggle with himself.

"i want them to have your eyes. i love your eyes, sunoo." eunji suddenly looked up from her tummy to beam brightly at sunoo. there was so much love and adoration in her expression that it almost made the man burst into tears.

she loved him unconditionally, even when he turned her life upside down by impregnating her and ruining her chance at a bright future. 

she still loved him.

he wanted to be upset with her, to ask her why she still was here with him. even when he ruined her life. he wanted to ask her why she didn't run while she could. 

but he was a coward. he was such a coward that he excused himself to the restroom and let his tears flow. 

he had no right to cry. eunji should be crying, not him. she's the one who will have to tell her child that their father is a fuckup and lies to their mother so easily. 

yet, his tears weren't his own. they were for her.

he cried for eunji. she didn't deserve this life. 

she didn't deserve any of it.

❀

they never spoke about names again after that conversation. for the next five months, sunoo did everything in his power to give eunji even a fraction of the life she could deserve.

every request made by the girl was met. sunoo didn't believe he could ever amount to fix the damage he's caused to his girlfriend, but he had to try. 

the day eunji went into labor, he chose the name for their daughter. he knew it wasn't time for them to discuss it because of the stress they were going through so he decided to surprise eunji once the baby was born. 

unfortunately, he never got to tell her. 

as he sat with the sleeping baby in his arms, he whispered her name. "eunjoo." derived from her late mother's name, eunji. 

he also chose the name eunjoo, because it's meaning 'little flower'. she was a flower that bloomed within the darkness. 

"we're going to be okay, my sweet eunjoo." he brushed the small strands of hair on top of the newborn's head.

one year later, on eunjoo's first birthday, sunoo felt he had healed enough to visit eunji's gravesite. when he arrived, he sat on the bench in front of the tombstone with the words 'here lies, myung eunji. gone but never forgotten.'

for a while, he didn't speak. he soaked in the surrounding buzzing around him. the melodic sing-songs that the birds chirped to communicate to each other. the waves of wind crashing into the leaves, forcing the tree branches to dance happily. the two squirls that chased one another in a playful manner but in reality, they were family. 

all of these noises and sights were proof of life. and for some reason, he felt her within this feeling of life. 

maybe it was all in his head in order to cope with his loss, or maybe she stopped by to say hello. regardless, he felt her within him and all around.

"her name is eunjoo." he finally spoke with a lump in his throat, breaking the peaceful tranquility of the moment. 

there was no response but the trees seemed to dance a little harder with the tickle of the wind and the birds songs seemed to quiet down.

"she's perfect, eunji. she looks like you." a soft smile creeped onto his lips as he paused, as if waiting for a response from the girl.

"she also had my eyes, just like you wanted." immediately after he finished, a monarch butterfly gently landed onto the backrest of the space beside him. 

warm water filled his honey colored eyes. 

she was here, and she was listening to him.

"her first word was mama. i made sure that it would be. and she's- she's so funny, just like you. she's just like you eunji. i know you'd love her just as much as i do." his words had gotten choked up as he continued. the smile never left his face.

"i'm going to be better for her, for you. i promise. no more lies, no more selfishness, i'm going to be honest with myself so i can be better for all of us. she deserves better, you deserved better. and i'm sorry i wasn't the best boyfriend when you were here. i promise to be the best father i can be to our daughter. i promise." now, he had fully broken down into tears streaming down his face.

the butterfly fluttered it's wings and landed onto his hand for only a second before going back into the air. 

as if to say goodbye, and i love you.

the butterfly's beautiful wings became less visible as it traveled further and further from the male. 

sunoo knew it was time for him to go too, it was his daughter's first birthday and he wouldn't miss it for the world.

❀

did i almost cry writing this? yes, yes i did.