umbrella { sunjay }

35.

song recommendation: lily of the valley -daniel

throughout his lectures, jongseong felt like he was distracted. he wasn't able to fully focus on the subjects he was teaching. 

although he promised himself he wouldn't allow his personal issues to affect his career, this was too much for him to ignore.

the first thing on his list of things to stress about was his plans to leave his wife. it seemed simple enough, but it wasn't. he would need to hire a lawyer and figure so many things out that needed to be done.

after the clock hit two-thirty p.m. he was out of seoul university and into his car.

it took a while, but after receiving the correct paperwork, he was on his way home from the courthouse.

as he drove his mind traveled back to sunoo. he thought about when sunoo asked him if he would still be happy if his life was the exact same in five years. the answer was always no. he wouldn't be able to survive if everything stays the same.

sunoo quickly became his comfort person. the deep breath that you take in the middle of an anxiety attack. sunoo became his peace. 

along with sunoo's words, sena's words were also on repeat. 'you're practically in love with kim sunoo.'

there's countless ways to define 'love'. theories run by the millions. these theories and definitions couldn't compare to how he felt towards sunoo.

perhaps this is why he had never put two and two together or gave it much thought. it wasn't like he never considered being with the other, no. but it was always just a mere passing thought.

but the longer he pondered over the four lettered word, the longer the word's flavor lingered on his tongue. 

he realized one of two things. 

firstly, he was blind to love. and secondly, he was smitten to the younger male.

no matter how many exams he passed and diplomas he received, he was ashamed to admit how long it took for him to realize his own passion and feelings.

seeing sunoo was like coming home. he wanted that feeling forever and couldn't fathom never having that feeling again.

in addition to sunoo himself, he accepted everything else that came in addition to sunoo. including his daughter.

spending that one day with the two of them was like his dream coming true in front of his eyes. he began to love eunjoo who was a part of sunoo. eunjoo was sunoo's entire world. everything else just revolved around her like the moon travels around the earth.

jay knew that, and he loved that fact even more. he loved that sunoo's entire life was devoted to the tiny human that he brought into the world.

and she was so, so special. she was the stars in the sky, the laughter in the wind, the lily in the middle of the vast valley. 

she was funny, smart, observant, caring, kind, generous, the list went on and on. she was a part of sunoo. 

and that was the beauty of it. 

of them.

❀

"sena." jongseong called out to the openness of the home. the fresh stack of papers rested in his hands. 

he had made his final decision. and it was for a different future than now. 

"yeah?" the woman looked over the couch to see jay walking towards were she sat.

"i have the papers. let's make this final, hm? don't you think we've dragged this on for far too long?" he handed over the white sheets as he sat on the opposing sofa and watched her shift through the divorce papers.

she gulped as her eyes raised to meet jongseong's who had a composed look. 

the woman knew it was time to come clean. about everything. there was no use hiding it anymore. they would heal a lot easier if there was honesty between them. 

she took a big inhale and set the papers beside her. "i want to clear the air before i sign these. i know this isn't just what we both want, it's what we need." jay nodded in agreement to her statement, letting her continue.

"i want to start by apologizing. for... everything. i seriously never wanted to put you through any of this jongseong." she sighed softly. it was time she got this all off her chest.

"i just want to explain myself. i know it won't fix or justify anything, nor my actions. but, my mother was actually behind everything." jay tilted his head as he listened carefully.

"she- she has always been very... abusive. since i was a child. and it's hard when you've known something all your life to change. so, when she told me to fake the pregnancy, it was impossible to say no..." 

empathy stuck jay the more he listened to her story. she had never opened up to him about her mother's abuse before. which is expected since most people don't.

"i'm sorry that you had to go through that." he gave a weak grin. she shook her head, she wasn't looking for his pity right now. just understanding.

"i never wanted to hurt you jay, i promise. if i was genuine about one thing, it would be that." her smile was solemn. 

"i'll have the papers signed by tonight." she removed herself from the couch and picked up the stack before walking into her room and shutting the door quietly behind her. 

jay had began to feel a headache approaching so he closed his eyes and rested his head on the back of the couch.

it's true when they say, 'you never know what someone is going through.' because jay had been married to someone for well over a year and still had no idea of the battles she's been in.

❀

opening his eyes, jay realized he had fell asleep on the sofa accidently. the moon shinned through the glass windows as night had fallen.

he went to stretch his arms when he seen the same stack of papers that he had given to sena, sitting right beside him. a throw blanket also covered his legs while he slept, one that he didn't put there.

the headache remained as he got up to get ready for bed. 

❀

so bittersweet.