umbrella { sunjay }

37.

"so, what did you want to talk about?" 

as jay stood in front of sunoo he thought about how he could have ever pictured his feelings towards the younger as purely platonic. he couldn't help to stare, trying to allow his brain to put the pieces into place.

it seemed like it was always sunoo. without realizing it, he had always pictured eunjoo and sunoo being permanent in his future. it was never a question for him.

so why was he so blind? why was he so caught up on someone else that he knew he could never love or think of in the way he fell asleep with sunoo on his mind and a smile on his lips just thinking of those eyes.

"hyung?" sunoo stepped a little closer, trying to regain the older male's attention. he had been staring directly at sunoo without moving a muscle. like he was frozen.

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"what was up with that guy?" jake huffed out as he used the red crayon to shade in the apple on the coloring page. he was perplexed as to why he was basically shot down by the eyes of someone he never met.

"mr. park doesn't like you, i think." eunjoo shrugged as she used her favorite color, pink. the two of them sat in the same manner they had before jay's arrival. surprisingly, it seemed like jake was enjoying coloring more than eunjoo.

eunjoo wasn't dumb, in fact she was more aware than most children her age. she could read body language like it was her second tongue. 

"i think you're way too smart for your own good, kid." jake pointed the crayola crayon at the girl accusingly. her observation skills were more advance than you'd assume for a child who hadn't even began school yet.

all he did was visit a friend he hadn't seen in ages and he received a scary man giving him the death stare. it was like the male was threating him without any reason. it made him suspicious of the relationship the man now known as 'jay' had in relation to sunoo. 

clearly he was familiar with the younger male's child, he practically looked like her other father from jake's point of view.

"do you want to know a secret?" eunjoo suddenly dropped her coloring utensil to look at the male excitedly. one fact about eunjoo, she loves oversharing. it was hard for her to keep secrets since sunoo had instilled it in her mind to always be honest no matter what.

"what is it?" 

something not so secretive about jake, was that he was a sucker for gossip, even if it came from a four year old who couldn't properly pronounce her 'r's'.

she put her hand up to cover jake's ear and whispered "i think my daddy likes mr. park." eunjoo backed away with a cheeky smile as she watched jaeyun's dramatic expression. it appeared that jake's assumption had some sort of backbone to it.

the girl didn't fully understand what her words meant but she could grasp the idea of fancying  someone. she seen it everywhere. liking and loving someone was never a thing sunoo hid from her.

jake knew sunoo was gay, so that part wasn't as surprising. sunoo came out to him shortly after eunjoo was born. although they weren't really in contact, sunoo felt like he needed his first hyung and called jake in the middle of the night. 

"hyung, i'm- i like men. i think i always have. i didn't want to hide it from you because i care about your opinion. but i was scared." the boy's voice trembled as he waited for his friend's response.

initially, jake was shocked. but deep down he always had a feeling that sunoo was, 'different'. not different in the sense that he wasn't the same sunoo that followed him around and adored sweet treats. but in the sense that his identity was closed off; like he was hiding away from the world.

"i think you watch too many movies for your own good as well." he didn't know everything. he didn't know if eunjoo was supposed to know things that didn't concern her. so he was cautious to confirm or deny her observation.

and to an extent, hearing something so personal about his friend from adolescence made him feel a deep pit within at the fact he didn't know everything about the man he once knew before.

jake shook his head disapprovingly at the girl who pouted. he was the one who asked her to tell the secret anyway. 

"did you know i'm going to kindergarten?" eunjoo suddenly changed the topic as she returned her attention back to her princess coloring page. 

and then, jake was reminded that he was still talking to a four year old. 

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"sorry, i was just- never mind." jay shook his head and broke eye contact. he felt his skin itch at the fact that he couldn't get his words out. like his thoughts were erupting within his body.

upon realizing his feelings, he also realized another thing. he didn't know how sunoo truly felt about him. 

there were signs that he may be interested but sunoo tended to be on the more reserved side when it came to feelings and jay was quick to pick up on this. although they spent time with one another through these months, sunoo seemed to be more worried about his problems than acknowledging his own.

he chose to conceal his expressions with a fabricated smile. but his eyes could never lie. jongseong had the privileges of being close enough to see beyond his smiles.

at the same time, he wasn't sure if sunoo seen him just as they are; friends. or if he seen him as more. and that was the most terrifying part to jongseong. he would never be able to read sunoo's exact thoughts as much as he could understand his hazel eyes.

"i filed for divorce." his voice sliced through the echoing silence.

sunoo's eyes widened in surprise, he wasn't expecting everything to move so soon. obviously it had been a topic in the air and something jay wanted, but he wasn't expecting it to be put in motion. 

in a way that he felt guilty for, sunoo felt a wave of relief. he felt guilty for feeling like he was taking a deep breath all of a sudden.

"i'm happy for you then." sunoo gave his typical smile, but this time it was genuine. he really was happy for the older. his relationship was clearly affecting him negatively to have him crying into sunoo's arms.

sunoo hated that. he hated that he knew of jay's sufferings and he had no power to control the way things were. 

but jay wanted to know how sunoo felt about it honestly. he didn't want the bullshit congratulations that he would get from everyone who knew how shit his marriage was. he wanted to know how sunoo felt about him.

"i wanted to thank you. i don't know how i would have gotten through any of this without you being there for me." sena was right. he was a coward.

sunoo's smile didn't quite reach his eyes this time as his long eye lashes batted. he didn't want to be thanked. he wasn't by jongseong's side for a 'thank you'. he was by his side because he felt something he had never allowed himself to feel. 

he was there because he wanted to be by his side.

"you're welcome." sunoo nodded stiffly. "i should probably get back to cooking if you don't have any more news." he turned around, placing a hand onto the door handle before being stopped, feeling a hand placed softly on his arm, refraining him from moving.

"sunoo."

"are we... okay?" the unsureness was killing him. he wanted to stop feeling like there was holding them back. it made him feel stuck. the air felt like underlying secrets that no one had the courage to present to the world.

jongseong felt selfish for wishing that sunoo would say anything more. he never wanted to push sunoo into something he didn't want to do. he didn't want to make sunoo talk. he wanted sunoo to feel comfortable enough to feel his genuine passion.

sunoo turned around and stared into jongseong's kind eyes that he had fallen sucker for.

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this chapter was so hard for me to write and find the right words. tell me your thoughts!