umbrella { sunjay }

40.

song recommendation: don't let me go -cigarettes after sex

"sunoo, i don't understand... i thought we were doing fine? i know eunjoo is your priority, i accepted that a long time ago. but i won't hurt you two, so don't push me away-" jay's eyes pleaded with the younger. he couldn't stand the thought of being away from sunoo and eunjoo. 

his feelings for the other had grown. he fell in love with everything about sunoo. the way whiskered dimples appeared whenever he smiled too hard. the way he could speak about any topic for ages, purely because he enjoyed talking.

the way he laughed, jay loved sunoo's laugh. it was the sunrise that began a new day, lifting your spirits just from the sound of it. 

he loved that sunoo wasn't one dimensional. he had layers that weren't always visible. like how sometimes he would cry alone when he remembered a memory about eunji and pretended he had something in his eye whenever jay caught him. how he loved scents and smelling the comforting aromas from his childhood. 

jay could have an entire list of reasons he fell so hard and so abruptly. 

but saying those reasons out loud to the one he loved, seemed to be harder said than done.

"that's the problem, jay. we're doing 'fine'. but what happens when we're not fine? what happens years down the road when we're suddenly not friends anymore and you suddenly walk out of her life? how can i explain that to a little girl?" 

all of sunoo's fears were coming to life. he didn't want someone who was only a 'friend' to be eunjoo's father. sunoo knew he couldn't predict other peoples actions and that was terrifying.

"i would never do that." jay stated firmly. there was no way he would even think about leaving them.

"how can you be so sure? you don't know what could happen, hyung." sunoo sighed defeatedly. he didn't want to argue with the man he found himself gravitating to everyday. "that's the part i'm upset about. so, let's just go our own ways for now. ...i think it's best for eunjoo." 

when you're a parent, you have to make hard decisions. decisions that you don't want to make. decisions that may turn into mistakes. but you have to make them. and right now, he had a decision to make.

his happiness or eunjoo's. 

and he would always, without a doubt, choose eunjoo's happiness in a heartbeat. 

jay nodded slowly, his tongue swiping over the dryness of his lips. he knew sunoo was just trying to protect the one person he knew how to. there wasn't anymore to it.

even if it killed him, even if he'd suffer every single day, he respected sunoo. he respected him as a father, and as himself. 

"can i at least say bye to her?" he could see the water filling his own eyes, leaving a sting. but he held it in, not wanting to make sunoo feel bad for his decision.

"yeah." sunoo said softly, breaking eye contact again. he couldn't look into jay's eyes, knowing he was hurting the person he wanted to love. knowing he was hurting himself.

no one said making these decisions were easy. no one said being a parent was easy. especially being a teen parent. but he was, and that's how life was.

every step towards the bedroom where eunjoo slept, unaware of what was going on, felt like torture. but he continued to walk.

sunoo leaned on the doorframe as he watched. 

jay bent down on one knee beside the bed and looked at the girl, trying to hold onto every feature and every part of her face, not wanting to ever forget.

"i'll see you soon, my bear..." he whispered, not wanting to wake her. 

truth is, he didn't know when the next time would be that he'd see her. but he wanted to say it would be soon, putting it out into the universe, hoping it would make it true.

sunoo heard the promise, and felt his face become damp with his own tears. 

"don't wait for me though, okay?" 

he stood up, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. once he was standing up fully, he looked towards sunoo and seen how the younger was staring at his feet. avoiding watching the scene in front of him unfold.

jay walked over to where sunoo stayed and pulled him by his arm gently, wrapping himself around the crying male.

"it's okay, sunoo." he comforted him, even though he was the one who probably needed it at the moment.

it seemed like sunoo was always welcoming him into his embrace. always standing there with open arms, comforting the older. but sunoo was truly the one who needed it the most.

sunoo sobbed on the older's shoulder, his hands placed on jay's back. he didn't want to lose jongseong. he didn't want to say goodbye. and he felt selfish for it. 

"shh." jay patted his hair, trying to stop the crying but it seemed impossible. sunoo felt like he was losing a part of himself. he hadn't cried this hard since he lost eunji, all those years ago.

but eventually, after some soft words from jay, he was able to catch his breath and control the tears. 

the older slowly backed away and sunoo noticed the same tear pattern that he had on his own face.

"i'm sorry i let her get so attached. it was my fault, so don't feel bad, hm?" he used the pads of his thumbs to erase the salty water from sunoo's cheeks.

"just make sure you two are happy, that's all i ask for." 

sunoo nodded weakly, that was one thing he would try to do for the rest of his life. that was the only thing he wanted in life. 

"this isn't goodbye okay?" 

the two separated and jay walked to the front door, turning around one last time and looking into sunoo's eyes. before shutting it behind him.

sunoo wanted to run, chase after the older and tell him he didn't mean it. apologize for saying he wanted a break when he never wanted to be apart. but he couldn't.

the only thing sunoo could do was try to bring happiness to him and eunjoo. so why did it feel like his happiness just walked through that very door?

❀

teared up a little ngl...