Lucilfer (ChrolloxReader)

Chapter 43

"Only love is all maroon,
Lapping lakes like leery loons.
Leaving rope burns, reddish ruse."

Flume - Bon Iver

*TW - MEMORIES OF RAPE/SEXUAL AND PHYSICAL ASSAULT*

Cold light drifted from the plain window behind me in a melancholy song of morning, pricking my eyelids and urging my heavy body to loosen up into a sober state of awareness. My eyes twitched and my nose scrunched as I tried to find the will to wake up. With a long inhale, I breathed in the scent of comforting musk, a blend of smokey cedarwood and lavender, and groggily realized I was still clutching tightly to Chrollo's casual black coat, my other clothes still being the same I wore the day before—I'd been too numb, too careless to bother with changing them.

Kassidy is Kurapika. And Kurapika is the chain user. And I have to keep this from Chrollo.

My brows sunk over my gaze, which I squeezed roughly, and I shoved my face back into the coat, trying to swallow the already-forming lump in my throat. It was eating at my subconscious, the lies I'd been swept up in, and guilt was taking a hard toll on my fluttering heart.

I've betrayed Chrollo.

How long could I keep it up? It'd only been a day—less than a day, really—and I could hardly stand to bear the weight of it any longer. Perhaps it would get easier as time moved on; I found myself endlessly relieved that I'd at least been allowed the mercy of being told while Chrollo was away. But what about Machi? Or Shizuku, or Shalnark? Those three Troupe members were the most accepting of me at first, and yet I had betrayed them, as well. There was no one I could turn to with the truth, all because I had been too stupid and naive to pay attention to those hidden-in-plain-sight details when I'd first met Kurapika as Kassidy.

The red gemstone hanging from his left ear, his tragic past, his immediate suspicion of me as a powerful Nen user—all of it was so obvious, if I'd just thrown away my godforsaken empathy for two damn minutes to look at what was staring me right in the face. I'd been foolish, horribly so. But there was nothing I could change. I cared too deeply for Kurapika to backstab him so viciously and allow Chrollo to begin such a murderous hunt, simply turning a blind eye to the fact that Kurapika had been wronged first.

Damned conscience. Damn you for learning to care, for holding onto those last scraps of morality.

I wasn't like Chrollo in the sense that I could just turn off empathy for anyone outside of my circle of trusted ones. Of course, I always proceeded with caution, with suspicion, but it was far easier for me than it was for him to make connections with people. My natural empathy was much stronger than anyone else's, simply due to my Nen ability, a product of my wretched existence, in which I was forced to be suspicious of the motives and genuine nature of all. So when I met Kurapika, I could feel his authentic intentions—nothing was hidden. I knew he was interested in me because of the potency in my Nen. Besides that, there had been no other catalyst. He was trustworthy.

And this was how it was with everyone who surrounded me—if I could feel that they had ulterior motives, I would stay away. But Kurapika's motives had been pure—he was openly searching for someone who might lead him to Chrollo, and apart from that, he was kind, and wary of hurting some innocent bystander in the process.

Perhaps I could blame that part of me, if only to say my friendship with Kurapika couldn't have been helped, that it wasn't a deliberate betrayal. But either way, with the knowledge I now had, I couldn't allow him to die, and it wasn't even considerable to put Chrollo in danger. So, I had to keep the secret.

I'd given thought to telling Machi, maybe indirectly, but that wouldn't be safe, either. Her sense of loyalty was too strong. If she found out, I wouldn't be surprised if she never wanted to see my face ever again. I would be dead to her; she would have no sympathy. There would be nothing I could say or blame it on to make anything better if I tried to explain that I wanted to keep Kurapika safe from Chrollo, even though I would also be protecting Chrollo by doing so.