Lucilfer (ChrolloxReader)

Chapter 80

Beads of warm water padded gently against my backside, working into my hair and fully dampening my body. The shivers I'd experienced upon stepping into the shower and submerging myself under the current of the hot steam slowly subsided, giving way to a deep, muscular relaxation, and my lips parted in a relieved sigh, though my relief went much further than a simple lack of tension.

I couldn't find the correct coherency of mind or words to place the overwhelming relief I felt. All of that stress, everything I'd worried about and concerned myself with ever since first arriving at Kurapika's apartment, was gone. I'd done my part in keeping Chrollo safe, and I'd completed Feeler Inversion in full—even now, extending this ability required nearly the same amount of energy and will as Feeler, itself, or Exorcist. It wasn't as straining or difficult anymore. I would be able to tell him the truth the right way, when both of us were together again, when I would be able to look into his glimmering eyes and see the effect of anything and everything I'd ever felt for him unfold in his thoughts.

The only sensation I really suffered from now was anticipation, and mild apprehension directed towards his battle with Hisoka. As soon as that fight was over, I would have only a week of his absence remaining—that time period felt so short compared to what I'd already trekked through, though I was sure it would come with its own delaying effects. But I was so close to the end of the mess I'd created. In some ways, I was excited to tell him the truth, to finally hurl that weight off of my shoulders.

It should've never been my weight to begin with. I should've told him the moment I found out.

I furrowed my brows at the intrusive thought, wishing it away, but I knew it was correct. Looking back, all of this could've been avoided if I would've told him upon his first return back from the Republic of Padokea. I'd been afraid, even then, of his anger, but he couldn't have been angry with me if I'd been lied to by the chain user. It wouldn't have been my fault that I assumed "Kassidy" was who he told me he was. But once again, my heart, my empathy, had stood taller than my will, forcing me to see things from Kurapika's perspective and shoving a painful understanding down my throat of everything he'd already endured. It was moments like that one which made me wish I didn't possess such empathy.

Despite all of this, I did feel lighter. I yearned to speak with Chrollo, and I hadn't yet checked my phone to see if he'd texted me, so I hoped I could hear from him, even if I couldn't call him. I'd awoken around ten in the morning and immediately went to take a shower and change clothes, so I hadn't given myself a chance to read his messages. But Kurapika was still in his room, perhaps sleeping, perhaps not—I felt shallow and deceitful for being glad that I'd forced him to choose, but it was what needed to be done. I would grieve for his loss much later, when all of this was over.

Squeezing my eyes closed tightly, I tilted my head back and rinsed the lather of Chrollo's shampoo from my hair, finding peace in the permeating scent of lavender oil and frankincense. I missed breathing in the intoxicating combination of his scent on his skin, the way it would gather to be the most prominent on his collarbones and neck; I missed tucking myself into the shape of his body and feeling protected, untouchable. And I missed running my fingers through his dark, soft locks, holding his head to my chest and knowing I was providing for him the same security he provided for me.

I took my time in the shower, thoroughly working the conditioner into my hair, as well, and applying the simple wash and lotion I'd brought to my body. I stood under the water for a while after I'd finished, crossing my arms over my chest and making an effort to keep my shoulders down, to keep my jaw unclenched. Once I was satisfied, however, I breathed in deeply, turning gradually to shut off the relentless stream and pull the curtain back, stepping out onto the towel and reaching for another on the bathroom hooks.