Lucilfer (ChrolloxReader)

Chapter 46

"If he's a serial killer, then what's the worst
That could happen to a girl who's already hurt?
I'm already hurt."

Happiness is a Butterfly - Lana Del Rey

I awoke late Friday morning—the time was almost noon, but the murky sky kept the invading light low and unremarkable. There was a settled peace in my soul, despite the hectic stress that had infected every event on the previous day, partly due to my long phone call with Chrollo and partly due to the fact that he would be returning in a few more than twenty four hours. Although I was slightly disappointed that I didn't have a way to watch him fight that day, I told myself it would be worth it to wait until he could wrap his arms around me, to look into his pretty face.

Inevitably, though, I couldn't stop myself from worrying about his scheduled battle. He'd told me on the phone the other night that it was supposed to start at two in the afternoon, and that he would be leaving first thing in the morning on Saturday. At first, he'd considered staying for one more fight, but everything that had happened with Hisoka was a catalyst to his already burning desire to return to me, which was relieving news to hear. I didn't want to have to wait any longer, and I didn't want to sleep alone in his bed for more nights than was necessary.

Nerves boiled in my stomach again at the idea of looking into Chrollo's eyes and knowing that I had become close friends with Kurapika, but I was already getting used to it. Perhaps that was something to be ashamed of, but I couldn't feel any more guilt than I already felt. Keeping this secret was a crucial responsibility now—the pure terror I'd felt before passing out from that panic attack the other day was enough to shock me into the realization that I was mentally, and nearly physically, incapable of processing even the possibility of Chrollo's danger, let alone his death, and even Kurapika's death. That fear was infinitely worse than any guilt I'd felt over keeping the truth hidden, and subconsciously, I'd vowed to suffer solemnly with that mind task if only for the purpose of never having to feel that fear ever again.

So, things would continue as normal—my visits with "Kassidy" would probably space themselves out again, but I didn't want them too far apart. Now that I knew the truth, it was vital for me to peer in on Kurapika's plan of action. According to a snippet of our conversation, however, he still had absolutely no idea where Chrollo would go after Heaven's Arena, and he had no clue when he would leave. That was a blessing, as well as the fact that he'd practically decided to just stay in York New until he'd accrued more information on where the Spiders might go as a whole group next—some large event or grand opening concerning valuable items, since they usually worked together as thieves. I'd told myself if anything like that were to come up, I would find a way to discreetly warn Chrollo that the chain user would be present—discouraging Kurapika was not an option anymore, as much as I wished, for his safety, that it was.

I had to go about this objectively; I couldn't allow emotions to rule what was, in essence, very simple. Death, on either of their parts, although more so on Chrollo's than on Kurapika's, was not even considerable, and frankly, unimaginable, or too crushing to entertain the smallest hint of the wisp of a thought. So, I would continue as if the truth was never told, and nothing had changed.

Even though everything has changed.

But perhaps I couldn't spare much mind to that reality after the fright of finally meeting Hisoka, even though, hopefully, he had no real idea who I was. The sheer weight in his aura alone was a direct reflection of what I'd been told of him—pompous, cunning, and pleasure-seeking. It terrified me for the coming day when Chrollo would fight him, but Chrollo had always been so sure he would win. To him, there was no other possibility, as if he'd seen it written in the stars, and perhaps that was true, but I had a hard time believing he wouldn't return at least gravely energetically impaired.