‼️CONTENT WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS CONSENSUAL SEXUAL CONTENT‼️
The world was dark as Chrollo merged onto the highway out of York New City. It was a foreign darkness, a mystifying sort of darkness that provided peace within the thrashing current of emotions in my mind. The moon was a sliver of silver in the sky, a hazy break in the pitch of night—no stars shone beside her apart from only one, but perhaps that one shone just as bright as she. A very few clouds curled and twisted around the two pinpricks of light, disturbing them for long moments before revealing them in full again. I gazed out of the tinted window with dry eyes, mildly sore from the tears, and heavy with mental exhaustion.
This kind of darkness was a rarity—it was compassionate and clement, shrouding every worry or fear or doubt in the promise that no more needed to be done, that the day was over, that I had come to the correct conclusion. But it was also foreboding and unknown, asking me to trust again, to expend my efforts once more and subject myself to the throes of fate, as though this push might be the final push. Just once more—I could put my trust into fate once more. I could do it, in this kind of darkness, the darkness I'd grown so used to and so comforted by.
How much longer would I hurt those I loved? I hadn't the answer to that question, and I was too tired to search for it anymore. So, perhaps the struggle came not from answering, but from the question, itself. I could stop asking myself that question; I could choose not to hurt anyone at all. Or, I could choose not to love those who I might hurt in the process of loving others. But it felt so unfair. Everything felt so unfair.
And therein lies the darkness, the middle ground I always retreated back to when the light of day strained my eyes and pounded in my forehead. It wasn't promising of goodness, of the rigid structure that the day forced upon every inhabitant until they were worked to the bone; it promised rest, and solace, and the danger that only comes from rebelling against the structure of day, but even then, it was accepting of that danger, trusting and proceeding with confidence. It was frightening, but it was freedom.
Kurapika was no longer my burden to bear. If I could help it, I wouldn't think of him. Our worlds were entirely different, contrary to his belief of our matching pain—Kurapika was fully dependent and structured by morality, by society, by the desire for good and for evil and for justice and for righteousness. I held no structure at all, a fallen spirit condemned to this earth and cursed by a worthless existence. How could I be judged harshly by the fact that the one who came to find worth within my life was Lucifer, himself? Someone as pure as Kurapika didn't belong in my world, and it was even more selfish of me to string him along as though he did.
But there are times when that darkness yearns for light, when just peering through the cracks at what the sun might look like offers a solace like nothing else. Maybe his existence was a relief to me for a while, a glimpse into the life of one so driven by morality, but it wasn't mine to steal, or to emulate. I belonged as one who didn't belong.
The music in the car was turned down low, peaceful, classical melodies pulling my thoughts to a more reverent place, some place without stress and without regret and without betrayal. Chrollo's hand was placed firmly over my thigh, a quiet reminder that he was still beside me, that he was there to talk to if I needed it. In the back of my mind, I felt slightly weak, unable to fully recover from the anxiety that had overtaken and drowned me just a half hour earlier, but it was dissipating slowly.
Has he told Machi...?
I would have to find a way to get her shoes back to her, I realized. But I felt the need to text her, just to let her know in case she didn't already.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I opened to my home screen and looked down towards my calls. There were several missed calls, which I was assuming had all been from Chrollo, but I clicked the icon to clear the little read bubble. As I did so, however, I paused, staring numbly at the most recent call from ten minutes ago, a call I hadn't received an alert for because as soon as we'd pulled out of the parking garage, I'd muted his notifications.
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Lucilfer (ChrolloxReader)
Fanfiction*ChrolloxFemReader* (Y/n) is a powerful exorcist, running from a fate bestowed upon her since childhood. She isn't looking for anything besides a way out, even if death becomes the answer. She comes into contact with Chrollo Lucilfer, a man who's N...
