Lucilfer (ChrolloxReader)

Chapter 86

Blinding light split through the shield of my closed eyes, leading to a harsh, slow awakening. Unclear flashes of purple and blue spotted behind my eyelids, and I felt my brows furrow involuntarily—the result was a thudding agony reverberating in my temples and around to the back of my head, gradual pulses that strained against my weary mind and tortured my exhausted body. My mouth felt prickly and dry.

At first, I had no comprehension of where I was, or why I would be under the force of such an oppressing headache, one which only contributed to the odd spinning sensation overtaking my perception. My arms and legs felt as if they were weightless still, yet when I tried to move them, they seemed locked to whatever surface I slept on—the surface was soft, and plush, and I might've been comfortable if it weren't for my inward pain.

A bed...? Why am I on a bed?

...What happened last night?

I tried groggily to recount the events of the previous day, a day which, upon recall, seemed to be a few years longer than normal. So many things had happened; so many catastrophic events had taken place. The flood of it all returning to my mind was confusing, to say the least, and utterly overwhelming, beyond the point of my immediate understanding, to say the most.

Memories of the coffee shop with Kurapika, the sound of easy laughter and the calm atmosphere of morning, floated back through my thoughts, followed by the bizarre stress I'd experienced for the duration of the day. But that stress had only been a subconscious manifestation of the lack of responses I'd received from Chrollo.

Chrollo.

He'd come home early, and earlier than I'd initially thought by the time I'd been sent those two fateful words. He'd seen us, me and Kurapika, at the coffee shop, before I was ever even given the chance to tell him the truth, and remained alone with his thoughts, coming to his own conclusions while I unknowingly destroyed the beautiful soul that had been gifted to me, leaving it more fragile and broken than before it was placed in my palms. His silent fury, the pained rage emanating from his aura, still singed the edges of my depleted energy. My heart sank in my chest as the taunting, mocking image of him on his knees replayed relentlessly, the tears which had traced his breathtaking face never ceasing in their efforts to drown me.

I hurt him. I hurt my only lover.

That one, simple thought tore apart the frayed remains of whatever composure I had maintained. The pounding in my temples increased as my body curled into a tighter ball beneath a pile of cold blankets, and my shoulders shuddered under the weight of what I'd done, the weight of reality.

I didn't want to do this anymore; I didn't want to hurt anymore. And I didn't want to hurt the one who had only ever offered his love to me anymore.

I laid still, suspended within an indecent amount of physical, emotional, mental pain, desperately trying to grasp at my memory for something which might allow me hope—just one bit of fleeting, transient hope.

Had I been able to use Feeler Inversion?

Yes... and then you ran away. You ran away from reality and let your fears overwhelm you again.

Coward.

I would've given anything to redo the previous night at that moment. I wasn't necessarily thinking clearly yet, but I was thinking clearly enough to know that I would've stayed if I was offered a chance to relive those terrifying events. How foolish of me to run away, to leave my lover at the throes and the aftermath of my turbulent emotions and the assumption that I didn't love him—it was utterly agonizing to know what I'd done. Now, I wanted nothing more than to be near him, to hold him. God, I wanted to hold him so badly.