Big girls don't cry (Aleida series #1)

8. Desire to die

Aleida's POV

Oh, moon goddess... I'm stuck in the void again. But this time, it's a different kind of void. I don't have any ability to see my happy memories. The only thing I can see and feel is every bad thing that ever happened to me.

The first time Jonathan hurt me and made me start to be afraid to cry, fearful of being seen or feel weak. I don't have the ability to be sad and cry anymore, because I know that Jonathan is right. Every time they told me that big girls don't cry, it wasn't at all with the same love as my parents once used when they told me the same thing.

My father was hard on me when we trained, and when I cried, he always said that to me. The big difference is that when he said those words, there was love behind them. When Jonathan or anyone else said it, it was always with anger and disgust.

The weird thing is that I don't know why they hate me so much as they do. I never did anything to them and never spoke with anything less than respect towards my elders. I was raised to be polite and to respect others, so why?

Why did they always treat me like I forced them to give me the world, while all I wanted was to be loved at least one more time in my life? I used to be a caring and loveable character; now, I don't care anymore after I have to relieve all this pain. Not in the slightest. How can I care about others when all they do is hurting me?

Once again, I get dragged inside my dark mind. Every punch, every harmful word, and all the disgust towards me wash over me once more. I don't know what happens, but this is all I can fell in this dark void; no one saves me; I can only feel how both my anxiety and depression grow deep inside my chest.

I know that I'm not in the real world; my connection with my body is gone, and I'm starting to get scared that I never will come back to reality. I still can't understand the pain and anger I feel towards those who have done nothing but help me. Why did I say that they killed my family?

I can't know if it's the truth, since it was Jonathan and Cathrine who told me this. And even if it was, why haven't this pack killed me already? Since I'm a big part of my parents and have powers I still can't find, they probably should have. I can feel them sometimes though, deep inside, growing.

I don't want to be here anymore, why can't I make it stop? Why isn't anybody trying to help me? How long can I survive inside my own dark mind that pains me with every single passing second? I don't even know how long I've been here; a minute, an hour, a day, a week, months, or years? I don't even know anymore.

All I know is that I seriously can't take this anymore. My biggest desire now is to die; my mind is slowly killing me anyway, so why do I feel reluctant to let go? Something is holding me back, and I can't understand what it possibly can be. Am I afraid of dying? No, I'm so much more fearful of living. Sparks, sparks in my whole body! What the hell is this?

Miliano's POV

My eyes open slowly, and I try to get used to the light inside my bedroom; the light is seeping through my blinds. I sigh and sit up in my bed with my head in my hands; I can feel my fingers tingle. The same makes an appearance in the back of my mind.

I sit up straight, concentrate, and tries to open up the sudden connection. Seconds turn to minutes, and I come up with nothing. The tingling keeps spreading throughout my body, and I can't open any link to who ever it is trying to contact me.

Go to her. I jump when I hear my wolf inside my head.

What, who? I ask, and he chuckles lightly at me.

You know who Milo, go to mate.

She needs her rest, and we shouldn't disturb her...