Turpin x reader

Chapter 36

Warning: grief

You woke, feeling emotionally empty. You had no idea what to do. William was still asleep, holding you like he did when you woke up in the night. You felt wrong, dirty, awful. You felt sick and dry reached, nothing came out and you couched. Your stomach and legs ached but most of all your heart ached. How could this have happened? Was it the kidnapping? Was it you? Was it something out of your control? Questions flooded your mind.

"(y/n)" William murmured. "You've been crying" he said, whipping them away. You hadn't realised that tears had been falling down your face and you sighed, leaning into William, unable to say a word.

"What would you like to do today darling?" William asked, his hand resting on the small of your back.

"Nothing" you muttered.

"We can go for a walk, go to a cafe, carry on snuggling, get some of your favourite breakfasts" he trailed off. He was angry, angry at himself. He promised to look after you but now look at you.

"I just want to lay here" you mumbled.

"Why don't I call for some breakfast, we can stay in bed and relax"

You nodded and William called the bell. The maid came in, surprised to see you in this room but nodded to breakfast. "Also, change the sheets in the master bedroom, if you don't want to do it, hire someone" the maid looked confused until she saw and immediately went white as a sheet, feeling so sorry for you and him.

Breakfast was brought up and you slowly ate what it was, your mind empty. William stroked your back, wishing to be as close to you as possible, not bearing what had happened. He tried to be strong for you but he found it hard. Something like this had never happened to him and he wished it to never happen again.

You finished your food, feeling slightly better for it. However, you still felt empty. You put your hand down to your stomach holding it slightly. It was weird and you hated this feeling. William put his hand on yours and frowned.

"We can try again" William whispered.

You nodded slightly. "Not for a little while" You replied.

"No, we will take as much time until you are happy too" William said firmly.

"What if I kill it like" tears spilled down your face.

"It wasn't your fault love" he said firmly.

"But if I" you started.

"Didn't you hear what the doctor said, it is not your fault" William said, kissing your head, he was getting angrier at himself.

"Then it isn't your fault either" you said. I can tell you are blaming yourself also.

"I just should have protected you both better" William said.

"But it's not your fault" you said louder. "It's mine"

"No, if I hadn't let you get kidnapped this might not have happened" he said loudly back.

"If I hadn't sneaked out" you shouted.

"If I hadn't left you alone" he retorted.

"It's not your fault" you screamed at him, getting up from the bed. "You were not the one to carry the baby it was me, my fault"

"Stop (y/n)" William commanded, following you out of the room as you fled to the back door and tried to get out, finding it locked, you huddled next to it, tears falling down your face.

William watched you for a moment before advancing and kneeling down. He sighed. "I love you" he said, "you did not choose to hurt the baby, something happened and we lost her. It is none's fault"

"But if -"

"Shhhh" he cooed, placing a finger to your lips. "you do not deserve to be so hard on yourself, please love. Listen to the doctor"

"I will" you murmured, collapsing onto him

William gently rocked you again, trying to calm you down, trying to show you how much he loves you. You sat in silence, both of you just listening to your different thoughts for a while.

"Would you like to get dressed?" he asked quietly.

You nodded slightly and slowly you got up from the bed, going towards the master bedroom.

"I can get your things" William called, scared the bed has not been cleaned. You opened the door and saw the blood and amniotic fluid on the bed and collapsed back onto the floor. William knelt down, looking at it himself and going deathly pale.

"I can get your things for you." he murmured, "Go back to the spare room"

"I'm sorry" you whined, unable to take it in.

William just held you, not knowing what to say. You stayed just holding each other for quite a while. In the end William let you go and ventured into the room. He looked down at the bed, he would have to buy a new one. Not that it mattered, even if the stains were cleaned a mental stain would be over the bed. William turned and got some clothes and high he brought them out. He saw you had returned back to the guest room, gently tugging your nightdress off. You looked numb and sad which broke his heart.

"We could go out for a walk" he prompted. "Out of the city"

"I would like that" you murmured, taking the clothes from William and getting dressed.

You both left the house and after a short carriage ride you were walking together in a large park. The wind felt wonderful and the sun blazed down. You felt a little more alive than before.

"I know what would help" William said, your arm in his. "A holiday"

"A holiday?" you asked.

"To the seaside" William said, "I heard the sea air helps all ills"

"We could" you murmured.

"A week of the seaside would do us both good" William said.