Just a Pucking Prank [COMPLETED]

Chapter 33 - Guilt

Lydia

"You want to hit the party tonight?" Trisha asks a couple of weeks later at lunch in the cafeteria.

"It's Wednesday," I say.

"So?"

I shake my head. "Not tonight."

"Don't tell me," Trisha exaggerates a sigh, "you have to study?"

"You know I'm trying to take this seriously."

"Yeah, but ever since you started that job, it's like you don't want to do anything. It's been over a month now, and I feel like we barely see you."

"It hasn't been a month," I say, hesitating.

"More like a month and a half," Pres chimes in. "And Trisha is right. You never want to do anything anymore. Just come tonight. Everyone is going to be there."

I look up from my lasagna. I have no interest in going out anymore. Getting hit on doesn't give me the same thrill anymore.

"I have to study. And we still do lots of stuff together."

"Not nearly as much." Pres is frowning.

"We went out last weekend and we're going to the hockey game on Saturday. And we went to Antigua."

"Even when you're with us, you're not really there," Trisha says.

"I've just been putting more effort into my studies." My face is burning. It's not a complete lie, but it's not exactly the truth either. "I'm trying to get my grades up. Professor Turner said she might be able to get me an internship next summer."

"Just come by if you change your mind," Trisha says.

"I will. And I'll make more of an effort to live in the moment." I grab my tray. "But right now, I have to go."

"See you."

I bus my tray and hurry home to the apartment. It has not been a month, has it? I check my calendar. It has. I've been sleeping with Wes for a month.

I can't remember the last time I was with the same guy for an entire month. But we're not really together. It's just sex. He's made that very clear.

I put those thoughts out of my head, something I've become better at doing lately, and focus on my studies. The internship at an actual tv station is looming in the distance and I realize I want it.

When Professor Turner first brought it up, my heart nearly stopped. It's not a done deal by any means, but she told me if I keep doing some extra credit and get my grades up, I might have a good chance.

"Lydia?"

I look up from my laptop. Ellie is in the door on her phone.

"Yeah?"

"I'm ordering food. You want some? I'm thinking sushi."

"Sure. Fish is good for the brain, right?"

Ellie takes my order and leaves. I get back to the video I'm working on when my phone buzzes.

It's a gif of two hockey players slamming into the glass in slow motion. Their faces are in full view and it's cut to look much more suggestive than I know it is.

This could be us. ;)

I shake my head. Wes does this sometimes, sends me things he thinks are funny or sexy. I put my phone aside. The food will be here in a bit and I want to get this done.

After a while, my phone buzzes again. This time it's a gif of a hockey player warming up. I've seen this move before. There must be some muscle or other it's good for, but it looks like he's humping the ice.

Want to be the ice? ;)

"That's the first time I've seen you smile genuinely in a while," Ellie says.

I put the phone away. And wipe the smile off my face.

"Is the food here?"

"It just arrived."

I get up and leave my room. My room that is less messy than it usually is. Maybe it's because I'm spending more time there, or because I haven't been going out as much. But I like that it's not covered in clothes and make-up.

At some point, I started caring about things like that. Tidying my room. Especially before Wes comes over.

It's not like I've changed. That's not it. I wouldn't change for a man. Especially one that just wants sex. Sure, he's fun to be with and I like waking up next to him, but it's just sex.

I cast a last glance at the bed. He's spent the night a couple of more times. When Ellie and D have been away. Or when I've been certain Ellie is spending the night at D's.

Judging by how he reacted when they caught him driving me home, I don't want to risk anyone seeing him with me. Not that I care. I don't. But his reaction hurt.

Even when we see each other at parties, we pretend we're strangers. I'm just glad I haven't seen him with anyone else.

Ellie is unpacking the sushi and I notice I'm hungry.

"I..." Ellie hesitates and I instinctively freeze. I'm not sure I want to know what she's about to say.

"I've noticed you seem to be doing better," Ellie finally says without looking at me. "Last year, I think you weren't doing so good, but recently, you've been smiling again."

Guilt hits me like a bucket of ice water and my hand moves to my scar. Am I forgetting them?

"I haven't been smiling."

"It's a good thing," Ellie says. "You should smile."

"No, nothing's changed." It's still my fault. Somehow, I forgot that. I forgot that I'm responsible.

I grab my food and head back to my room.

"Lydia, I just want you to be happy."

I slam the door to shut out her words, her kindness. Not a single part of me deserves it. I gasp for air as the tears come. How could I forget?

I try to put it out of my mind. I set down my food and take a bite. It tastes like ash. I turn back to my studies, but my head is spinning. My mind is flooded, and it's all too much.

I reach for my phone and ignore my first instinct. I can't call Wes, because it's just sex. So I find Trisha's number. I text her. Then I turn up the music and get ready.