FATALISTIC LOVE ✓

XLI

for once, life feels bearable.
for once, life feels bearable without you.

I was so used to it being bearable with you, so this is a massive step in my recovery.

I wonder how you are, what are you up to? do you think about me? I try so hard not to look up what you're working on in your career. my therapist said it would be a good idea not to.

things are finally settled in my family. if you asked me years ago if things would be okay in my family life- I would've laughed. but today, it's relieving to say things have changed dramatically.

I didn't get married to Elias! how crazy is that!

I persuaded Rhea to admit to our parents what her and Elias really had- their relationship. that our parents trusting us begins with us trusting them.

it was a ghastly evening in summer and I remember sitting on the couch with my hands pressed under my thighs, my eyes darting across the floor as Elias and Rhea came inside- hands interlocked.

Rhea did it with endurance. they told our parents and guess what? they're married happily.

rings on each of their hands and they're in love (also pregnant which is ... nice?)

however, I haven't found the one yet and I've accepted the fact that I may never find the one.

I told my parents about you which still sends shivers down my spine. I told them months after Rhea's surprise. not just about you but also my past abusive relationship. they were mad that I didn't tell them but mainly shocked, they felt sympathy because when I fell onto the floor- sobbing for you, they held me and comforted me.

so they understood and helped me. by spending more time with me, having me open up to them, going on more trips as a family, listening to my thoughts and feelings and paying for my therapist.

but I'm working again now. yes, there's still financial difficulties in our household, but it's better and we're happier.

today was an autumn morning where the wind was irritating me by blowing my hair everywhere- I didn't realise until later that I was walking past your apartment.

suddenly my physical state changed and I hated how- the thought of seeing you after so long made my heart race.

and the world hates me because I really did see you.

you were parking your motorbike- swinging your leg over it to stand on the ground. you shook out your murky hair and looked up which made our eyes meet.

I stopped in my tracks and immediately turned around to walk away from you.

it was a natural response.

you dropped your leather bag, stumbled in your steps as you ran after me.

you stopped in front of me- holding me securely. "val ... don't run away from me. hey."

and we were in each other's presence for the first time after forever.