Persphyni : I am Destruction

45

I let the walkie fall from my hands. My chest tight as I pressed my head back into the seat. My now empty hands clutched around air as I laced my fingers gently in my lap. The calluses on my palms briefly rubbing before I stopped moving.

My chest rose and fell as the suddenly cold Rover nipped at my bare skin. Exhaustion weighed down on me as I let myself succumb slowly to the weight on my shoulders.

They need you.

I slowly opened my eyes, exhaling as I pushed away the emotion. Pushed away the pain. Pushed away the desire to cave.

I stood and crawled my way into the back, my hands grabbing my long sleeved shirt that had time to dry out from being scrubbed with clean water and threw it on over my head. The material slightly damp as I adjusted it over my torso.

Once my shirt was on I pulled my hair back into a ponytail, taking my time so I could steady my thoughts. I needed to distract myself from the world outside. The parent and son, the Black Rain, Praimfaya, the Ark, the New Dawn Bunker, everything.

I pulled tighter on my hair before looking up and making eye contact with Bellamy through the mirror. Our eyes saying the words we couldn't at the moment.

Silently, Bellamy rose from the driver seat. His hand gently setting the Rover's walkie back on the dash radio and silencing it. I unhooked and pulled down the bench seat in the back as he made his way over.

The two of us falling in unison, our backs pressing against the front of the bench as our legs spread out on the floor in front of us. Gazes fuzzily focused at the wall ahead.

"Tell me." I whispered finally. My words piercing through the silence as I leant my head on his shoulder once he moved his arm to rest on the bench behind us.

"O hates me." He whispered, his head leaning on mine as we continued to stare straight ahead. "I don't know if there is anything I can do. She loved him, so much. And now he's dead. It sent her off into the darkness." I listened carefully as I let my lungs fall into sync with his breathing.

"My sister isn't anywhere to be seen. Even if I can physically see her, she isn't there. She would be if I hadn't lost myself. I thought if I could get to Peter and Mark, if I could save them then it would bring me one step closer to finding myself. To try and make up for what I've done. But it's only making me hate who I am. If this is who I am, then I'm a failure. A fake, just like you said." I shook my head against his shoulder before pulling back to look at him.

"Bell, what happened with Octavia is something neither of us can control. We can only keep offering our hand, a way out. I'm watching her and seeing the cloudy look settle over her. I can see her being consumed and it's killing me that I can't help her. But you, you have to help yourself first. I know you love her, but you need to love yourself first so you can truly love her." I placed a hand on Bellamy's chest over his heart.

"It's hard. Feeling like everything's against you— including yourself. You aren't a failure, you aren't a fake. You are Bellamy Blake. Selfless, brave, considerate, caring. You never back down from a challenge, or else you would have left me a long time ago." I saw the ghost of a smile cross his face as he let a dry chuckle out.

"No one can tell you who you are or who you aren't. So forget everything I just said, because in the end— you decide your own fate. You get to write you own story. A wise old man once told me that you can't change the past, but what you can make is the present. The sun rises everyday, and it sets when it's done. And when it rises again, it's a blank page for you to write upon. I've taken those words to heart." I saw a smirk settle over his lips as he stared into my eyes.