Jaan-Nisaar| ✔️

.fifteen.

Unedited

Devaysa looked at Sona sleeping peacefully on their bed, and quietly made his way out of their room. They have been with his mom and dad in their house since he had come back from Kerala. Time spent with them was warm, it reminded him of his childhood, the care, the love. His parents love was like a big fluffy warm blanket wrapping around him from all the side, making him feel safe. Every night all four of them sits down every night after dinner, chatting away till late night. However, the voice still came back from time to time, whenever her mother said something sarcastically or in a taunting way, it came and it stayed. Stayed till the dawn broke, till Devasya's mind couldn't focus anymore on his work, till Sona would wake up to notice his absence from the bed, till his eyes screamed and screeched at him to close them. It told him all type of things, the bad overpowering the good, as it always have.

How strange is human mind? It can conjure up a foe or a friend. It can tell you all type of things, make you believe them too. It can make you loose your mind, it can overpower your body. However, today the voice has another topic on it, it told him how selfish he was. How he couldn't look after the only thing that has given him solace. It told him about his uselessness. It told him how Sona can always do better than him. How he was not worth it. How he never was.

People say mental health is a myth. It doesn't exist nor does it matter. They say how it depends upon how strong your will power is, they say if you can't control it then you're a weak man, they say that it's all in your head, they say that you love to victimise yourself, they say that you don't know half of how much they love you, they say that you are an attention seeking human, they say you're selfish.

People say a lot of things about the issues of mental health, the one Devasya deals alone with. Sometimes, he thinks they are right. He thinks that its true, its true he loves victimising himself, he loves the attention. But then everytime his mother scowls at him, he rethinks and re-evaluate everything he has dealt with, his entire life. He doesn't know anymore if he is living an illusion or is this the real world. Does every breath that he takes, real? Does every time his heart beats, it pumps the blood forward? It's all confusing and absolutely tiring.

Devasya is tired.

He doesn't know what he can do to make everything right, he can't afford a therapist because he doesn't have enough money, he can't tell someone because everyone thinks mental health issues are an illusion, a fake scenario you tell everyone about to gain sympathy and attention. He doesn't know how to tell Sona that he never meant to forget about her. He doesn't know how to talk to her about it when her eyes shows the blackness and hollowness like of the planet, Pluto that has been left behind by everyone, deceived by its own sun, left out by its own friends. He doesn't know how to solve the case he has been on in his company. He doesn't know why would the company deceive him. He doesn't know what people gather by stealing and by lying, what do they gain by giving pain to others? Today, his mamaji looked at him like he never had. Devasya could never forget that single speck of doubt peeking out his eyes today.

Devasya is tired now.

Of holding himself together all time. This time he might just let go.

****
Maya dumped all the dirty clothes in the washing machine and washed her hands. Turning on the washing machine quickly, she turned around with a million things running around in her head. She stopped dead in her track seeing her son with his head in his arms. The scowl on his face enough to tell her about the distress of his life. His furrowed eyebrows hurt her heart. She moved towards him swiftly, all work forgotten.

Devasya felt a hand running through his hair and he flinched. Standing up quickly, he noticed his mother's shocked expression. He has never ever flinched from her touch. Well, everything has a first time. He looked into her eyes with the voice screaming at the back of his mind. It won't shut up. He want to shut it up, he wants it to go away, he scrunches his eyes shut and focus on chanting the hare krishna mahatmantra in his head. Devasya only has had one friend in his entire life, Krishna.