Her eyes

Chapter 38

Archer brought me some soup, and we ate it sitting in my bed, after that I had a well needed shower. I was washing the shampoo out of my hair, and my mind went back to the previous days. When Archer hadn't called, or at least when I thought he hadn't called, my mind spiraled. I had thought the worst that could've happened, happened. I had lost my only friend and I couldn't cope with it.

I had returned to my previous patterns of emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness and emptiness chased me. But mostly sorrow and grief, I felt as if I had lost someone dear to me again. Even if these few days had been bad, I think it had brought some clarity with it as well.

I needed help, bearing the burden of my brothers death, my mothers issues along with my own struggle with being bullied for most of my life and my anxiety. I needed real help. I didn't know the next steps. How to start, where to turn to, who to call, so I figured I could do some research.

I needed to change, I was tired of living like this, constantly tense waiting for my next breakdown where my bones felt glued to the bed, my brain foggy with nothing and everything at the same time. I had never told anyone about my mother before. I hadn't really even divulged much to Archer but what I had said had been a relief to me. I felt like a small weight had been lifted of my shoulders.

And he hadn't reacted in disgust, so maybe if I could talk to someone about it, I would feel lighter and quite frankly I wanted to move on to the next chapter of life without a dark cloud hanging over me.
When I got out of the shower I didn't even brush my hair I really couldn't be bothered with it at the moment.

When I exited the bathroom Archer was sitting on my bed, his strong legs hanging off the edge, really it was the only place for a person to sit, if it wasn't that miserable chair.

Archer looked up setting his phone down, and asked "do you want me to brush your hair?" It was like he could read my mind.

I nodded and grabbed a brush and some products.
He sat up straight and placed a pillow on the floor. "Sit."

I sat between his knees and he softly brushed through the knots, taking his time as to not to hurt me. I pulled my knees up to my chest and waited patiently until he was done, his fingers and the comb running through my hair almost put me to sleep. When he was done he added the product I'd brought and made a single long braid.

"Thank you," I said quietly.

He grabbed me under the arm and placed me on his lap like I was as light as a feather, which I wasn't. And hugged me from behind. "No problem."He kissed my neck.

"Do you want to stay the night?" I asked.

"If you want me too?" He questioned.

"I do, but I don't have anything for you to wear and it'll probably be a tight fit on the bed." I said playing with the golden strands of hair on his arm.

"I'll manage don't worry about it." He kissed my cheek. I had learned that Archer and his family were very affectionate people, but I didn't mind. I liked it when I could feel his skin on mine in any way.

We settled into bed, and I was laying half on top of him so we could both fit but I secretly enjoyed it.

"What was your childhood like?" He asked after a while.

I paused thinking through my answer, "It was dark and most of my first memories were scary. But I think after a while I adapted, and I learned how to stay out of the way. I also learned how to become observant. I listened to where everyone was at all times so I could avoid them. I knew when my mother was on her way to a breakdown, and when she was happy, or mad or manic." I sighed,

"It was also very confusing, because at times I felt such deep pity for her, and at the worse of times I felt an even deeper resentment. Sometimes... I thought we would all be better off if she died. Which sounds so bad, but at least then she would be free from the drugs."

He kissed my forehead. "Where was your brother in all this?"

I decided to be honest now that he had heard most of it and hadn't ran off. "He was another issue on its own," I sighed thinking about Leo, "my first maybe 5 or 6 years, he was the one taking care of me, and when I'd gotten old enough to take care of myself. I guess his duty to me was done. He was still living at home but we didn't really have a relationship, he spent most of his time running drugs for the older dealers in the neighborhood, I realized that after a few years and somewhere along the line he changed. He became angry and volatile."

"I think it was learnt behavior from our mother. Anyways, I stayed out of his way as much as I could, living in the same house and all. After a few years he climbed up the ranks in his gang or whatever they called themselves." I cleared my throat.
"And then he started going in and out of prison." I trailed off.

"Why didn't anyone do anything, surely the teachers at your school knew the conditions they left a child in?" His voice had risen an octave, he was angry. I rubbed my hand over his arm, like he was doing to me right now.

"They knew, but they didn't care. If you live in a poor area where everyone has their own issues and everyday a new problem arises I don't think anyone has the energy or care to do anything but try to survive. And it wasn't like I was special, most kids lived under similar circumstances."

"That's so fucked up," He said shaking his head in disgust, I could tell he was still fuming but trying to hold it in for me.

"I know." I agreed nodding.

"Layla, I don't think you don't realize how remarkable you truly are, despite what you've been through." He placed his hand on my cheek angling my face up towards him, "I am so fucking proud of you, I don't even have the words for it."

I swallowed hard, my eyes falling on his full pink lips. The lamp on the floor beside the bed was still on so I could see every detail of him.

"Thank you" my own lips raised in a small smile. And when he kissed my cheek again, I almost melted through the bed. "We should get some sleep." I said before I did something stupid like kiss him.