Her eyes

Chapter 49

My mind was scrambled, it jumped from one thought to another like a bee deciding which flower to settle on.

"Say something." Layla said after a while.

"I don't know what to say..." I trailed off.

"D-do you not want to be my friend anymore?" She asked her voice so low I had to lean in to hear her.

"Of course, I want to be your friend. It's... it's just a lot to take in." I sighed, "I know how hard telling me must've been for you. Let alone living it, I can't even begin to imagine. And no words will be able to convey how my heart breaks for you. You didn't deserve any of this." I said with a penitent voice.

"Do you think I'm a bad person now?" She asked biting her lip.

"Why would you think that?" I replied confused.

"Because I killed my brother..." she was looking at me now for the first time since we sat down, her eyes as sad as the first day we'd met.

My eyebrows straightened from their narrowed expression, she couldn't be serious? "Layla, you didn't kill him." I shook my head.

"I did though... It was my fault that he was stuck there in the first place." She gave me a small rueful smile, before her eyes started to water.

I inches closer placing my hands over hers. "It wasn't, he was the one that committed a crime knowing he could end up prison. And he did it anyway. You can't blame yourself for someone else's actions. And even if you had helped him, who knows he may still have been convicted either way and his death would still transpire." My voice dripped in conviction I lowered myself to my knees in front of her.

"I know you feel guilty over it, but he was a criminal. If he hadn't been murdered in prison someone else would've done it on the outside. The people in the crime world kill each other for the smallest of things, that's their norm, it's what they do." I cupped her face with my hands. "We all have choices to make and sometimes different paths all lead to the same outcome, don't place blame where it doesn't belong."

"You shouldn't for a second think that you could've stopped it, he made a choice to follow that path knowing what may happen. And it is unfortunate that it resulted in his death but the only one responsible is his murderer. Not you. Do you understand me." She was crying softly now her eyes squeezed shut obscuring my view of her thoughts. But she nodded her head. 

"Thank you," she hiccuped wiping her eyes, "I needed to hear that."

"Come here." She crawled into my lap and we sat on the floor holding one and other.

She had told me about her mothers addiction, but she hadn't told me about how she would constantly misplace her drugs and beat Layla and sometimes Leo when he was younger for stealing her things, which they hadn't but in her drug induced state she suspected everyone.

She had only told me generic things about Leo previously, the only thing I knew was his name and age. She had told me about school, how she would get bullied and ridiculed for existing. She had told me a lot and yet my mind couldn't process it. It couldn't process how she had endured everything, how she didn't have one single safe place to go. She didn't have anyone to confide in, to protect her, to help her.

She only had herself and somehow, beating all the odds she had turned out to the be the most remarkable woman I had ever met. She hadn't turned to self destruction or substance use to ease her pain. She had fought her way out of hell and she had won.

But all of these things and horrible people that had happened to her had left their mark on her. When she told me the story, her voice had been robotic and emotionless like she had detached herself from it. Like she was talking about someone else, or a story she had read. I think a lot from her past explained her behavior last night and the day in her apartment.

Her far away eyes was her way of resetting, like when you restart a phone when it's lagging and when it powers back on its like nothing had happened. I wondered where she went.

"I'm so proud of you," I told her sincerely. " I'm so proud that you choose to keep fighting every day, that you're here with me now." I kissed her temple. "I'm so lucky to have meet you," I kissed her cheek.
"I'm so grateful for every second I get to spend with you," I kissed her nose. "Words can't explain how much I appreciate you," I kissed her other cheek.

I softly cupped her cheek as tears dripped out of her eyes, "But most of all I am in awe of your strength and resilience, you have fought to live every day, and you persevere. I will never let anything happen you again. You're safe. Do you hear me? I swear it on everything." Her tears were making my own eyes water.

I loved her, I loved her so deeply my soul hurt for her. But it also came alive only for her, it shone for her. A bright luminous light, like the moon not reflecting any light on its own but instead reflects the light of the sun. She was the sun and I was her moon.