Her eyes

Chapter 62

When the water grew cold Archer picked me up like it was nothing, wrapped me in a towel and set me on the counter. He wrapped another one around his waist and then started moisturizing my legs. Then my arms and shoulders. He hesitated at the opening of the towel waiting for me to either nod or deny him.

I nodded, when the towel fell away, and all of my flaws were bared wide open in the bright spotlights of the bathroom I looked away from him swallowing hard.

He proceeded to lotion the rest of my body in a clinical way. There seemed to be no apparent interest on his face, and in a way I was grateful but I also couldn't help but feel like perhaps he wasn't as attracted to me as he had been previously. I tried ignoring that thought, but I kept circling back to it.

When he was done he covered me up again and started on brushing my hair. And then he turned it into a plait. My eyes had been glued to the floor when my toothbrush appeared in my line of sight. "Do you want to or should I?" He asked softly.

I didn't say anything I just took the toothbrush from him and held it out waiting for him to apply the minty paste. When he did I started slowly brushing, I honestly didn't have the energy to do even that. Archer brushed his at the same time still standing between my legs.

When he was done he waited for me, handing me a cup of water to rinse and then he picked me up again and I had no choice but to wrap my legs around him.

"Sweatshirt and shorts?" He asked as he placed me on the bed. When I shook my head he tried again. "T-shirt and shorts?" He tried again. I nodded.

He helped me put on my clothes and then he tucked me into bed. When he turned the lights off I saw the bright shining star sitting in the night sky facing the flat. "That's your star." Archer said softly.

"Maybe it knows when I need it." The first words I'd spoken since asking him to get in the tub with me. 

"Maybe it does." Archer replied wistfully.

When he used that tone it made me realize that perhaps my sadness had a bigger effect on him than I realized. This was a partnership and his feelings mattered too, yet I'd somehow selfishly and continuously made this all about me.

When he laid down beside me, I hugged his arm to me. "I'm sorry that I keep hurting you," I said softly.

"You're not Layla," he turned on his side. "You've never hurt me." Our noses brushed against each other innocently, yet my stomach flipped.

"C-can I kiss you?" I asked.

"You never have to ask, I am yours." He replied softly.

I leaned in slowly not wanting to break the serene spell between us. I kissed him slowly hoping to convey everything I was feeling in this kiss. All the gratitude, and happiness he made me feel. When his lips parted mine softly, it was like coming finally home.
                                          •••

The next morning, Archer drove me to my flat or rather studio now, in silence. He had hired someone a few months ago to kill all the mold and had inspected it thoroughly, so I spent the day painting. It was never a conscious choice what I painted, I would place my pen or brush against a blank canvas and then I would enter a trance.

I wasn't aware of my surroundings or what was in front of me. I would disappear into a corner of my mind. And when I came back, whatever was in front of me had turned into a painting. It was like my body was on autopilot.

When I was 12 the council in my hometown had decreed a new project for youths. It was a kind of summer job to introduce kids into 'work life' the pay was 10 quid a day. And all we had to do was pick up rubbish for 8 hours. I immediately signed up, I wanted to make my own money somehow.

Most of the benefits my mother received went straight to drugs, sometimes if she was in a good mood she would tell Leo to purchase the food shopping of the month. But that food usually lasted a week, two if we were lucky.

The rest of the time was spent in constant hunger or stealing something inconspicuous from the store, more times than I could count I had to go through restaurants garbage bin hoping to find something salvageable.

The money that I carefully saved up was enough to get me by that summer and well into the fall. But when I saw a painting kit in a old shop that sold knickknacks and other random stuff. I decided to indulge for once. The kit was half a days pay, but it was well worth it, because it introduced me to new world that wasn't this one.

When I came back from my trance I realized that I had painted a pair of pale hands with familiar silver rings cupping a bleeding heart that had similar wounds as I did on my thighs. My heart dropped and I released a silent scream as I threw the whole easel to the ground. Archer had helped me cover the whole floor in newspapers and a plastic covering so I wasn't at risk of getting fined for leaving spots on the landlords precious moldy realm.

I sighed, I didn't want to be reminded of last night at all. I got up and went to sit at the kitchen counter instead. And I sat there until the sun descended and the stars rose. I didn't think, I barely breathed. My mind was empty, just how I liked it. The emptiness helped clear my head, I also hoped that it could help me be the perfect girl for Archer.

I didn't want him to think I was more trouble than I was worth. I know he said I wasn't, but feelings were fickle sometimes. I thought about my father, he was a fickle man. He always said one thing but did the other. He knew the right words to tell my mother, what she wanted to hear. And then he ruined her.

I knew Archer would never deliberately lie and lead me on, but at the end of the day he was a man and I wasn't a good girlfriend. He was bound to look in another direction soon enough, he was a good man, yes.

But so was my father in the beginning. One thing my mother taught me was that all men were the same at their core. And if Archer left me, I didn't know what I would do, it would be my ruination. Just like my mother's.